Does capitalism always have to be so... gaudy?     


Welcome to the 17 Nov 2000 archive of Stream - you can click the planet to the left to get back to Jimbo's World if you're lost.

   STREAM OF urine
   This is the part of the site where I don't have to screw about with formatting, or layouts, or anything else.  I just bang on the keyboard like a diseased monkey, and *poof* - instant content!  Guess what part of the site's most likely to get updated on a regular basis?  Right.   
17 Nov 2000
18:14 The fine art of fucking with elderly Wal-Mart cashiers late at night (Jimbo)

Turns out I accidentally linked the same fucking cute-little-kitten flash when I meant to (and said I did) link this mpeg here in that update about "what big kitties think of cute little kittens" down there.  Dammit!   Oh well, it's fixed now.

But on to the actual subject of the update at hand, I thought you folks might be amused by this little anecdote:

I've always told Trava that I would buy tampons for her if she ever needed them - which astonished her, since, of course, that's supposedly something that "guys just don't do."  She decided to put this willingness to buy girly stuff for her to the test last night, by sending me out to procure some pantyhose for her.  Aha!  The stakes have been upped!

So off I head to Wal-Mart at 11 PM, instructed in stern tones to make sure I get "L'eggs Silkenmist, color Nude, size A, one box sheer toe and one box enhanced toe."  Got it.  For you guys out there, who probably know nothing more about pantyhose sizes than I did, "A" is the smallest size available - Trava is 5'3" and about 110# .  (This seemingly trivial factoid will be important towards the end of our story.)

Once I located the pantyhose in the rather sprawling female clothing department at Wal-Mart, I made a discovery:

Pantyhose displays are not organized in any even faintly logical fashion.

This is doubly irritating when you realize that there are more varieties of pantyhose in a typical display than there are flavors of ice cream behind a typical Baskin-Robbins counter: in the L'eggs brand alone, the color selection includes (but is not limited to) Nude, Ebony Mist, Jet Black, Taupe, Off-White, Dirty Cream, White, Suntan, Snow, Yellow Snow, Colombian Cocaine, Caucasian Semen, and Asian Poo.  All of these colors are available in "Silkenmist", "Sheer Comfort", or "Gatorback Steel-Belted 50-series" varieties... and any of the resulting combinations can be had with "Sheer Toe", "Enhanced Toe", "Reinforced Toe", or "Shit-Kicking Steel Toe For Foundry Workers And Bull-Dyke Lesbians."

Once you've narrowed all that down, then you can worry about whether or not they've got the proper size.

Eventually, I secured the requisite two boxes of L'eggs Silkenmist, size A, color Nude hose (one Sheer Toe, one Enhanced Toe) - and off to the checkout counter I went, a mere 15 minutes before closing.  As it turns out, nobody but myself and the 68-or-so-year-old female cashier was in sight... and when she started casting nervous looks from the two boxes of delicate hosiery to the 220-pound man who just put them in front of her with an expectant look on his face, well...

That was when I knew the fun was about to begin.

The second time she looked from the hosiery to me while she was ringing it up, clearly confused, and just as clearly afraid to ask, I allowed a slightly puzzled look, followed by an enlightened realization sort of look, to chase themselves quickly across my face.  "Oh, those aren't for me," I said... with just the slightest trace of oh-so-subtle "sweetheart" tone in my voice, very carefully inflected to be audible, but only barely so.

Clearly even more confused and unsure, she darted an even more nervous glance between me and my purchases and nodded quickly, almost furtively, as I swiped my credit card through the terminal.

Again looking at the hosiery myself, I let a little grin out, made ruthless eye contact and said "oh come on honey... you know I could never fit into an A."  And with a self-deprecating little chuckle, I sashayed my way right on out the store.


17:39 No, we won't deal you in Mr. Nader - a few quick notes (Baldghoti)

I know the presidential election is close, but damn. Maybe being made of wood will come in handy for Gore--he'll need a good pokerface.. Oh, and Laural sent me a link to the single most tasteful and mature take on this election. (you'll have to scroll down a bit for the Flash movie, and you might want to make sure you can deal with penis humor) Enjoyed that, did you? You sick fuck. Go read Smile or I'll poke you in the nose. I still have The Conscious Beast lying around in TXT format somewhere on my computer--I'm considering releasing it in serial format after Smile's done, to keep the serial goodness flowing. Finally, now that I'm on a high-traffic E/N site, I want to request breasts... not for me, but for The Evil Project. You see, we've been trying to do Don Knotts a big favor...

I am in awe.

   Jimbo sez:

While on the topic of being mailed nubile young breastisses, or at least photographic likenesses thereof... I would just like to take the opportunity to state that this is, without any doubt, the single most awe-inspiring set of E/N "tribute pix" I have ever fucking seen.  Glow-in-the-dark tribute, for crying out loud!

I will now and forever more be jealous of that damn sn0wsurfer cracker.

Thank you.


08:20 Oh, shit! (Jimbo)
WARNING: secure all coffee cups and other potential sources of monitor-obscuring fluids before clicking this link.   Jesus fucking Christ, but the Onion is in top form!    



Kittens are ugly little fuckers (Baldghoti)
   Before I started going to elementary school I thought I was ALF's brother.

Pretty sad, isn't it?

My parents even went so far as to suggest that maybe I "ought to see a specalist" about it--we were living on a three acre "farm", with horses and chickens and stuff, and I had claimed the old chicken coop as my own personal "space ship". What can I say--I was four.

I don't know if anyone remembers the show ALF--it was a charming sitcom that aired weekly on NBC, and I was going through a phase where I was obsessed with astronomy and space ships, and such. Eventually I grew out of it--MacGuyver started airing opposite it on either ABC or CBS, and ALF took a backseat. I even got a mullet at one point to look like MacGuyver.

Anyways, my point is, ALF's favorite food was cats. Especially kittens.

Jimbo, stop posting all these pictures--you're making me hungry.


07:45 Did the cute kitty get on your nerves? (Jimbo)
Click here to see what big kitties think of cute little kittens. You'll feel much better. (mpeg, 1.7MB)   


06:48 Featured Content (Jimbo)

Keith M's ever-popular ongoing-serial-teenage-drama-with-naked-chicks, Smile, is now hosted here at Jimbo's World.  Read it, biatch!



Let's get naked! (Baldghoti)

I believe I shall challenge Jimbo, Erik, and Keith to a naked-off competition.  Here's the first entry--a 16-year-old RoBaldGhoti in his front yard, TOTALLY NUDE!

Ladies, line up.


Jimbo sez: 

The hell with this, where are the naked pictures of Laura?

mouseover here to whip it out and here to put it away.


14 Nov 2000
02:43 I imagine composing electronica must have been considerably more difficult in 1983 (Jimbo)

I went searching on Napster tonight for some "flashback tunes" - anybody else remember Tangerine Dream?  You have to respect those guys... it had to have been really fucking hard to be pure electronica before the mid-90's techno explosion.  What I didn't find were any songs from any of the old Tangerine Dream tapes that I owned back in the day... but sometimes, it's what you don't expect - what you've completely forgotten about - that grabs you the hardest.

What I did find is a rather poignant, if primitive by today's standards, ambient piece from the Risky Business soundtrack.  Risky Business was my very first "date" movie... and you know, I hadn't thought about that movie - which I never saw again - for years, but hearing Love On An L Train tonight brought it all back like it was yesterday.

I felt like the luckiest seventh grader in the world that day, "taking" two gorgeous girls, one of whom I was very much in young love with, to a movie.  (My mom, who kicks much ass, drove us to the theater, got us tickets for the R-rated movie through what she probably never realized was sheer force of cashier intimidation, and promptly drove away as soon as we walked in the door.)  And it was an adult-themed movie, with full frontal nudity (for you younguns, that was a much bigger deal in 1983 than it is now), at that!

You know, this may sound sappy as hell, but that was one of the very best days of my life.

Tangerine Dream - Love On An L Train (mp3, 4.8MB)


If artificial intelligence is a myth, how did it know I was Mr. Furley? (Jimbo)

Clicky-clicky, and play Guess The Dictator or Sit-Com Character!

(hint: when you get bored with playing "the right way", treat it as a personality test instead, and see who you turn out to be:  Jack Tripper?  Gilligan?  Ricky Ricardo?  ... or Fidel Castro?)


13 Nov 2000
22:03 Tamarind is Nature's candy! (Keith M)

Anyone who's been to The Ultimate Bad Candy Web Site knows about Tamarind, otherwise known as Mexican Devil Candy. I've always wanted to try some, and my friend Brad actually managed to track some down. The kind he got is from Thailand, though I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Here's the play-by-play of our Tamarind experience. (If you've visited my currently-treading-water website It's A Movie So Watch It you'll be familiar with the participants.)

Keith - Spit it out.
Mark - Spit it out right after Keith.
Matt+Dan - Just barely managed to eat it, complaining loudly of burning and terrible taste.
Brad - Successfully ate a piece, then later ate another just to prove what a hard cunt he is. Claims that you eventually develop a "craving" for Tamarind, yet refuses to take the bag of Tamarind back into his possession.

Matt tried all kinds of tricks to get his mother to eat a piece. No dice. I got my mom to try one by admitting that it tastes terrible. Another spit out.

Jimbo sez: Huhuhuhuh... Keith's mom is a "spitter."


tamarind.jpg (15345 bytes)
if ep-sample ever inspired a candy, this would be it.

Okay, now I'm gonna stick another piece in my mouth and type as I eat, stream of consciousness style:

smells sorta okay... alright, here it goes
okay, it's in my mouth... tastes a little gross, not too bad... kinda like fish, though i'm not biting... just tastes like the sugar/salt coating, mostly. This is alright... not great, but okay. supposedly if you don't bite it's not as bad. uh, more fish taste. okay, I'm gonna bite.

biting... chewing.,.,.f salfhk fuck.... really bad!Q!!! FUCK!! OHD SHIWHSS

(Mark transcribes my cries while I'm in the bathroom)
"Holy fuck! Jesus! Fuck, it's stuck in my teeth!"

Okay, I had to run to the bathroom and spit it out. I couldn't take it. The bits stuck in my teeth are still burning. I should have recorded this, so you could hear me break into spontaneous swearing followed by spitting and lots of running water. That's it, no more fucking tamarind for me, ever.

I mean, sweet fuck...

Jimbo sez:  Keith... send me a bag of that stuff and I will purchase, install, and operate a webcam for the sole purpose of recording the experience for our viewers.  Guaranteed.


20:31 Sorry this isn't about farting presidents or dancing cats (Chess Piece Face)

Pursuant to my life-long dream of not being fucking poor forever I have had to cave in and get a roommate for my apartment. Knowing nobody personally who needed a room to rent my only option was to advertise the room in the local paper and pray that they wouldn't all be freaks. And since pointing out people's flaws and laughing at them is a lot of fun, I figured I would share my experience.

Rather than scheduling appointments I held an open house on Sunday and let them arrive as they pleased. All names have been changed to descriptive generalizations in order to increase the amount of ridicule. Listed in no particular order:

Contestant #1: Buddhist Stoner Hippie (BSH). BSH was the first to arrive, but his punctuality was the only thing he had going for him. He was incapable of doing or saying anything without being prompted to do so. I had to ask him to come in three times before he caught on - the "Vacancy" signs were practically visible behind his glassy eyes. For a moment I considered how nice it would be to have a reliable source of good drugs nearby; but the downside was he was unemployed (and not very employable) and had spent the last year as a hippie farm slave.

Contestant #2: Hyper Nerd. Why is it that no matter where I go (in this case my own apartment!) there is always a pudgy dweeb who takes the slightest passing acknowledgment as a signal to latch on to me for an hour? This was that guy. He stayed the longest of anybody BY FAR, looked at everything at least twice, and started asking pointless questions just to extend what was probably the longest conversation he had in a while. "How well does the toilet work?" Fuck you, get out of my house!

Contestant #3: Frightened Hottie. She showed up literally thirty seconds before Hyper Nerd and I gave them both the five-minute walkthrough at the same time. Immediately afterwards she excused herself with an incredibly transparent and lame story. Whether this was because of me, the apartment, or Hyper Nerd (in which case I don't blame her for splitting so quickly) I will never know. But I got a good long look at her foyne ass going up to the attic and that pretty much made my day. AND I still have her phone number!

Contestant #4: American Freshmaker. This guy is so Keith M that it almost frightened me. He is roughly Keith's age, height and build; has about the same haircut, and lives with his parents. Whether or not he has worked in a comic book store is still a mystery. What's even more scary is that he will probably be my choice for roomie and might even end up hanging around the forum someday. We'll see how long it takes to cast him in the next Powerhole flick.

Contestant #5: Unwashed Alcoholic. I had my suspicions about this guy before he even showed up. The message he left on my phone sounded just like my drunk-ass dad, and when I called him back I talked to his current roommate who ALSO sounds just like my perpetually sloshed pops.  In an alcoholic haze he missed all of the verbal clues I dropped him trying to make him aware that a visit to my place was unnecessary and futile - he managed to finagle me into showing him the place. I did my best to rush him through hoping the odor wouldn't linger, and as he left I was tempted to ask him to not sleep on my porch.

Contestant #6: Tubs. A good warning sign that someone might be a freak is if their first question over the phone about an apartment is "Does it have a full bathtub?" Not how much, or where, or even how big - she wants a horizontal cleansing experience or no deal. When she came by I found out why; people her size can't stand up long enough to shower. And if they do, they can't reach everything. Nice lady, but anybody who weighs more than me (230+) is going to be hell on my already creaky floorboards. The steep flight of stairs leading up to the place made the decision for her, though.

And then there were the ones that didn't even make it to view the place:

Contestant #7: Captain Phone Tag. After reading my ad in the paper he calls my machine three times within eighteen hours and leaves two numbers where I can reach him - his work and his cellular. When I call his office they can't find him and confess that they are never quite sure when he will be there. The cellular number is disconnected. After ten or so attempts I finally talk to him and he agrees to stop by. Then he does not show up.

Contestant #8: ???. The mystery man! He sounded composed on the message he left me, but every single one of my return calls got a recording of two young girls singing about Miami. One night I even dreamed about watching Letterman and the musical guest was the two kids singing the Miami song. I left a couple of messages but never heard back.

Contestant #9: The Flake. This one was a pain. We only talked by phone and she couldn't decide if it sounded right to her. Then she couldn't commit to the nine months residency I demanded. Then she couldn't decide if she could make her decisions on my deadline. Our phone conversation went around in circles for about fifteen minutes with no concrete answers; so I blew her off. Interestingly, none of the three females could make a solid commitment to most of my requests. They wouldn't say yes, but they wouldn't say no. I forget, which gender has the fear of commitment again?


12 Nov 2000
19:13 Jimbo, Chess Piece Face, Baldghoti, and Keith M (Keith M)

Otherwise known as Jim, Erik, Rob, and Keith.  Abbreviated, that spells JERK.  Coincidence?   I'll leave it up to you fuckheads to decide.



More political-figure-bashing fun (Jimbo)


I usually hate forwarded funnies, but this one ruled, Laura.


Mike Myers would approve. =)


File under "so cute you just might hurl" (Jimbo)
kitten.gif (3748 bytes)
   Click the kitty to see it dance. (Shockwave, 300K)

(disgustingly cute kitty brought to you courtesy of Evil Zug and 450 Productions)


11 Nov 2000


Kudos to you, Circuit City! (Baldghoti)
Finally, someone has recognized that anorexic/bulimic women are the height of unattractiveness, not the height of gorgeousness.   Despite the continued attempts of fashionbois to tell us "no, really, she looks great if she's starving to death", Circuit City's current ad campaign has said, to misquote David Spade,
"Hey.  Calvin Klein.   Why don't you just get back to designing shirts and let us heterosexual guys decide who we should want to nail."

The aforemetioned Circuit City advert features an overweight man using a digital camera and a bit of slick graphic work to turn himself into a Chippendales' dancer, and sending it to a waiflike bird-woman.

Further proof that today's man prefers his dumps like a truck.




Oh my fucking GOD, I just went to Newgrounds and saw... saw...

Saw Algore and Dubya as Terence and Philip, that's what...!

Make with the cricky cricky, roundeye! (Flash movie is 600K)


Shut your fucking face, unclefuckers!


10 Nov 2000


Meet your future president! (Jimbo)

You know, on the one hand, java applets that distort images aren't exactly what you'd call new...

But on the other hand, I had an awful lot of fun with this one.

No matter which presidential candidate you hate - and if you're like me, you hate both of 'em - you can have fun distorting his external appearance to match his internal character here.  (Thanks for the link, Josh!)


George Walker Bush, President


09 Nov 2000


At least I can still type (Baldghoti)
While en route to my physics course (on a bike path, I might add), I can usually hit 20 miles an hour (it's mostly downhill). So, then some JACKASS decides to suddenly cross a bike path (on foot). By Florida law, a bicycle is a vehicle. And if you hit a pedestrian with a vehicle, and the pedestrian is injured, the fault goes entirely to the driver of the vehicle. Stupid law, but it's the law.

That flashed through my mind, and I turned. And turned. And went ass over heels. And, long story short, I'm now slingin' the old right arm--mister Pedestrian gave me a nice little fracture of the right radius, and some minor internal bleeding. I commented to the doctor that "all my judo training must have worn off", and he told me that I was damn lucky. In judo, you're taught to slap with impact, it takes the shock off of impact.

The doctor told me that if I HADN'T been trained in judo, I'd be sporting a cast right now.

As I was leaving the campus medical center, my nurse asked "Did you remember to ask the doctor if you should sleep with it [the sling]?" So, I turned around, went back into the doctor's office and asked, "Should I sleep with this? Or do I have to buy it dinner first?"

I love being a smartass, even if part of my skeletal structure is cracked.

(That's not all that's cracked, Rob. )


08 Nov 2000


The resemblance is rather obvious (Jimbo)

We've got a couple of new sites in the linkbar today - God You're Gay, and Murderize.  I'd like to spotlight an interesting analysis over at Murderize today:

Why Mario Is A Communist Icon

mario.gif (1923 bytes) stalin.gif (6813 bytes)

do I have to spell if out for you?



Keith Shabadoo's Big Adventure (Keith M)
Yep, this has been a hell of a day. I woke up at 2pm, a little earlier than I usually like to, and decided that it was about time to fix my scanner. And I did it, all by myself! So to commemorate this amazing event, I'm going to scan... a box of crackers!

My dad is a No Name junky, so much so that No Name brand is actually a little higher up the scale than he's willing to go. My parents are both real estate lawyers, so we've got plenty of money, but he insists on buying the cheapest food possible. This has led to some rather disgusting meals, but being a complete freeloader at this point in my illustrious life, I tend to keep my mouth shut. Today, however, my sense of tackiness was finally assaulted beyond all sense.

"Why Pay More?" crackers. The name of the fucking crackers is "Why Pay More?" So fuck it, I had to try some.

I'll tell you "Why Pay More": Because these crackers taste like shit. Fuck. I dunno, maybe this offends me a little more than it should. But I jumped on the phone and immediately registered the names "Not Shitty" crackers, "I Bet You'll Love These" crackers, "What Fantastic Fucking" crackers and "Sweet Jesus Christ You'll Never In Your Entire Life Eat A Better Box Than These Because These Are The Absolute Pinnacle of Mother Fucking" crackers. I also got "Maybe Single People Eat Them, We Don't Know And Frankly We Don't Want To Know" crackers, just for good measure. Damn! I haven't been this incensed since I saw my first bottle of the 7-Up/Sprite rip off "Spritz-Up".

So take it from me and my lifetime of torment: Brand name food really does taste better. A lot better. But I still ate half a box of those fucking crackers while I was fixing my scanner.

Hey Keith... I think we'd all like to know where that asterisk in the name leads... so make your inspection, and report back pronto.

Keith Sez:   The box of "Why Pay More?" crackers had made its way into the garbage since last time I saw it, so I have now officially dug through garbage for Jimbo's World. Make sure that goes in my eulogy somewhere.

The asterisk reads "You're stuck with the shitz 'cause you can't afford Ritz." Haha, little joke there. Actually, it just says "Trade-mark owned by Beta Brands Limited." I checked the ingredients for mention of pressed floor sweepings, and was disappointed to find that they couldn't even admit the truth. Bastards.


I want to know what the asterisk is for!


07 Nov 2000


Blow the monkey, and win a mouthful of monkey-cum! (Jimbo)

Sorry, I just felt like saying that.  (How many variations on the "punch the monkey" theme are they going to come up with before moving on, anyway?)

Anyway, our actual update for tonight has nothing whatsoever to do with monkey semen: it's just a link.  A link to, for crying out loud, the CIA Page For Kids!

No, I'm not kidding.

Click if you dare - but remember, They're Watching You!

(why are those black helicopters circling over my house... and who's that at the door?)


Shucks, kids, Mistuh Spook sho'
do have some tales to tell!



Random cartoon (Jimbo)

(btw Zippin', the link to your copy of this image is b0rked. )



Tabloid journalism (Jimbo)
From an article in Salon:
Nov. 3, 2000 | Cover your ears, Gwyneth!

Ben Affleck may be dipping into the Viagra again.

Witnesses tell me that the ever-randy actor got a little too frisky with a comely Secret Service agent during a photo op at a Los Angeles rally for Al Gore on Tuesday. Cher, Whoopi Goldberg, Ed Begley Jr., Martin Sheen and alleged onetime armpit-sniffer John Cusack were also in attendance -- but Affleck was the only star against whom the married female agent had to use a little self-defense.

"He's very bright and I'd love to sit down and talk to him sometime, but I was on duty," explains the agent, who says she was forced "to bend his thumb back" to break a rather constrictive hug.

Nookie monster Affleck also propositioned the hapless agent within earshot of reporters, suggesting that the two repair to a Holiday Inn. "I've always wanted to lay a Secret Service agent," he said.

Listen, Ben, it's not that kind of Secret Service. Next time, try an intern.

Now that's entertainment.  And on to the next celebrity... according to AltaVista, Britney Spears has "clearly shed her image as a pure-as-virgin-snow teen princess."  Uhhhh... what "pure-as-virgin-snow" image?  You mean somebody bought that whole "I only dress like a teenage coke whore to stay cool while I'm dancing on stage, why do all those creepy menfolk want me" line...?

Frankly, I don't see how nipple piercing and drunken bar dancing (sorry guys, that's not a link to a video clip) can do anything to further cheapen her image.

And before we end our morning of yellow rag journalism, a quote:

"I'm a little leery when someone runs up and tells me what a big fan they are. Why are they fans? I have become an accidental celebrity. And, truly, it wasn't hard to do." -- Monica Lewinsky

Heh heh heh... nice to know it comes easy to you, dear.


06 Nov 2000


More link whoring (Jimbo)

Entertaining stuff over at BBSpot these days - click the pictures to hit the articles.

it's like explaining quantum physics to a goat.

Ever tried to explain the difference
between "hard drive" and "memory"?

do you love YOUR mac?

Some people get a little too attached
to their Macintoshes...


05 Nov 2000


I'm not a Clinton-basher, but this one slew me (Jimbo)

I almost fell off my chair when I saw this over at Stileproject.


Sweet. =)


04 Nov 2000


Somebody finally stuck it to the bastard (Baldghoti)
If you're like me, and you enjoy mocking fundamentalists, then you've probably been to CAPAlert and had a good chuckle at their movie reviews. Well, someone's made a dead-on accurate parody of them, with a brilliant imitation of the author's writing style. You can check it out riiiiight here.

On another note, I'm working on a little parody of my own. Assistance would be appreciated - I've got a concept but very little content at the moment.



I really want to hate everything MTV airs... (Baldghoti)
....but I can't. Unfortunately. There are three shows that make MTV worth watching.
1. Tom Green. The first time I ever had hopes for MTV since the airing of the first episode of TRL. It's amazing he even got on TV in the first place. Perhaps the fact that they aren't making any new episodes is purely BECAUSE of the show's quality (or lack thereof in the case of Religious Righters).
2. Jackass. This show is undoubtedly the oddest and most surrealistic show I've ever seen. I'll watch any show with the phrase "Okay, now shoot me with the stun-gun.". If you haven't watched Jackass yet, it's a totally plotless string of short clips that feature Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, and a whole cast of undoubtedly half-retarded masochists making fools of themselves and others in public. It's a masochistic Tom Green.
3. Celebrity Deathmatch. Celebrity Deathmatch is a wicked social parody. I'll watch any show that's featured the deaths of Hanson, the Spice Girls, and Oasis. It works on two levels, much like the Powerpuff Girls, or South Park. There's the "Huh, huh! That guy died!" aspect, but there are some brilliant pairings: Mick Foley vs. Ernest Hemingway was my personal favorite. Odds are that ol' Hemingway's lines went over the head of the average viewer, but those of us with some grasp on literature had a great laugh.

Out of these three shows, the first is rarely aired, the second is aired only late at night, and is certainly destined for cancellation, and the third is back from a long absence that's sure to repeat itself.

My solution? A trade.

Comedy Central trades Win Ben Stein's Money and rights to the old episodes of South Park to MTV for the right to air Jackass and Tom Green. They're both owned by Viacom, and we all know that Comedy Central is where Jackass and Tom Green both belong.

Either that or we fire a cruise missile at 1515 Times Square during a taping of TRL. Either would make me happy.

(Win Ben Stein's Money rules, you damned Philistine. -Jimbo)


03 Nov 2000


I'd like my laptop in mahogany, please (Chess Piece Face)

Occasionally I will roam the web in search of information that is least likely to be found. This morning the topic of choice was Luddites - a group with a violently anti-progress mentality. Figured that looking for Luddites on the web would be as fruitful as diving for treasure in the local waste treatment facility. But I was wrong. And now I've discovered the next generation of PC technology. Luddite Industries is launching a line of wood-integrated computers; blending the best of modern advancements and old-world craftsmanship to form a truly superior product. Two seemingly incompatible philosophies come together for the benefit of all. A quote from their site gives a little background on their goals:

Luddite™'s integration of Eco-Technology Design (ETD)™ begins with the philosophy that surrounding ourselves with natural materials eases the intrinsically unnatural relationship with technology.

At the rapidly escalating rate the computers become obsolete, doesn't it make sense to manufacture them from a material that is both renewable and bio-degradable? It's amazing that this thought never occurred to any of the larger companies in the market today.

The "extended service plan" is STRONGLY recommended.
   Luddite offers a full line of woods, stains, and even a termite protection package. Both Mac and PC clones are available, customized to any need.

Check it out today!

tell your kids you remember the days when the computers were wooden, but the programmers were made of iron!

Oh shit, my PC has termites!

A note from the editor: Chess Piece Face is also known as "Cheese Piece Plate, Master of 13 Animal Styles of [F12]."

01 Nov 2000


You didn't dig far enough, CPF (Jimbo)

Chess Piece "I'm too good to post by email" Face hit upon a great idea in this thread in the Speakeasy - hey, there are student pages listed under the "Butte Pirates" home page.  What better way to see just how "piratical" the school really is?

Well, CPF, you did a good job as far as you went... but you should have kept digging.  'Cause it just does not get any more gay than that.

I didn't have the... er... intestinal fortitude to actually "enter."  I'll leave that to Keith.


far from "ambiguous"

Ah... I think I'd prefer to stay OUT of there, Jeff... but thanks...



Ahhh, the halcyon days of youth (Baldghoti)

Hi. My name's Rob, and I'm retarded. You know, I've seen some really stupid high-school mascots. A local high-school has the mascot of the "Purple Hurricanes", which sounds like a gay bar. (Come to Purple Hurricane's! You'll get blown away!) However, then I came upon THIS little gem... that's right, it's Arco, Idaho's very own "Butte Pirates."

Now, my question is this: what self-respecting high school principal would ever agree to name the school they'd worked so hard to get in such a manner? And then I looked at the principal. All I can say to Principal Erik Strom is this: sea lion mustaches went out with the wild west, girlfriend.

I bet he's upset that there isn't a "Purple Hurricane's" in Arco.


Click here to have your butte pirated!

"arrrr... we'll steal your booty, mate!"



Will Jimbo let me title this "Jimbo is a dirty fuck?"  I bet he will! (Keith M)
After my last post it was brought to my attention that some of you are already intimately familiar with any and every site that has ever been nominated "Cruel Site of the Day". Well fuck you guys; I'm gonna tell you about a site you've already been to, and you're gonna sit there and like it.

A few months ago Jentastic Jen led me to The Ultimate Temple of Charles Kerr Hatred. With a name like that I knew it had to be good, and a line in the opening page confirmed it:

"Those who have actually met (Charles Kerr) bring up the subject of physically destroying him with no prompting from myself."

Actually, the weird thing is that on my return visit to the UToCKH, it just didn't seem as funny. On my first visit I had a great time, falling deeper and deeper into the pit that is Charles A. Kerr as Jen and I sent quotes from the site back and forth to each other, holding our sides while we laughed and laughed. This time, however, I jumped in with a big smile and left half an hour later feeling eerily depressed. For a brief moment I considered not recommending the site, but if I start actually trying to reach some level of quality in my posts Jimbo will never reach the point of regretting letting me loose on his page, as I swore on my mother's deathbed (where she was sleeping restfully at the time) that he someday would. That would also explain why I'm writing this in the wee hours of the morning in a state which can only barely be referred to as "conscious", and why I let that last sentence run so badly.

With that said, I'll leave you with this powerfully moving quote, courtesy of the one and only Charles Kerr:

"God's a woman... God's a woman... God's a woman and a man, he's both. I think prolly he is. He's all things, isn't he? He? Or she?"



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