Does capitalism always have to be so... gaudy?     
 

  

Welcome to the 02 Feb 2001 archive of Stream - you can click the planet to the left to get back to Jimbo's World if you're lost.
        
   STREAM OF urine
CONSCIOUSNESS		    This is the part of the site where I don't have to screw about with formatting, or layouts, or anything else.  I just bang on the keyboard like a diseased monkey, and *poof* - instant content!  Guess what part of the site's most likely to get updated on a regular basis?  Right.   
    
02 Feb 2001
06:20 The wave has not yet crested! (Keith M)

My hits for Smile have been going up at a fairly rapid pace in the last few months, aided significantly when I moved to Jimbo's World at the end of November. It was looking like this would be the month that acceleration ceased, but I'm glad to report that entropy has been staved off for another month! Check these stats:

Sep - 378
Oct - 626
Nov - 976
Dec - 1327
Jan - 1368

It was close, but January just barely managed to beat out December. I figure February will finally lead to a decrease, so now that my fanbase has stabilized I'd like to thank everybody for reading. And hey, if you've never done it, sign my guestbook. The motherfucker's been drawing flies, here. Just let me know how long you've been reading or how Elizabeth's been pissing you off lately or how you'd suck my dick if we lived in the same city. And hell, sign Laural's too. Our "owner of the loneliest guestbook" competition is getting pretty fucking lame...

So in closing, deshalb ein Bursche Spaziergänge in einen Stab und ist er alle "Hey, ist welcher der Wichser auf Wichser?" und sie sind alle "Sie, swine Ficken!" und er ist wie, "Klar. Klar..."

   

  


I always wanted to use this pic,
but Elizabeth doesn't smoke

          

01 Feb 2001
11:27 Adolf Hitler: dictator, mass murderer, artiste (Baldghoti)

Rottdam

  

  

Many people know Adolf Hitler as a famous and fanatical dictator, but it's a little-known fact that his planned occupation was that of a professional painter.  Unfortunately, he failed to gain admission to the Vienna Academy of Fine Arts, sending him into a tailspin of blame upon the Jewish-homosexual-gypsy conspiracies his mind created.  His art is surprisingly peaceful and calm, and frequently religious in nature--very in line with his extremist Protestant religious views. 

As with all artists, after death the value of paintings goes way, way, up--especially when the artist is a psychotic madman dictator bent on the extermination of twenty million Jews.
00:53 No time to get Yoru's clips up yet, but... (Jimbo)
Sometime soon, folks, we're gonna have a few tasty clips of reader Yoru (from The Citadel) quite literally gagging on Tamarind.  Yes!  Unfortunately, as of yet, yours truly has been too fucking lazy to downsample them enough for posting and find some space somewhere to put them.  No!

Good news is, you don't have to languish in a deplorable lack of multimedia hilarity in the meantime!   I fell off my fucking chair about halfway through this clip here.

  
31 Jan 2001
13:32 The Conscious Beast - Week 9 (Baldghoti)

Just a reminder to all of you that Chapter Nine, the final chapter in The Conscious Beast saga, will be posted on Friday. Why not read it from the beginning and catch up?

Special thanks to Dr. Mike Moulton, Associate Professor of Wildlife Studies here at UF for his inspiration and hopeful aide in selling The Conscious Beast to a publisher.

Shortly after The Conscious Beast is completed (this Friday) I'm going to begin work on another novella, following the same science-fiction/environmentalist themes. This one will tentatively focus more on science fiction and almost certainly be more of a black comedy than The Conscious Beast. More details to come as I hammer out a plot.

Oh, and by the way.. did you know that Jesus was a black hermaphrodite? (Not to be confused with any other black hermaphrodites running around out there...)    

 
29 Jan 2001
13:32 Smile, motherfucker (Baldghoti)
... and speaking of hermaphrodite pornography, Smile is updated today!

Wait, noone mentioned hermaphrodite pornography.  I was just thinking about it.

    

25 Jan 2001
18:50 Monkeyshines (Jimbo)

the monkey that stole the election

  

  

...and if the morph I made of Curious Dubya isn't enough to entertain you, look what comes up #1 when you search Google for "dumb motherfucker"... heh heh, poor Dubya.  Considering his luck with Internet press, we're probably going to go straight from Al Gore, Inventor Of The Internet to George "Dubya" Bush, Dismantler Of The Internet.

Heh... heh... heh.  Um.  Well...

That's really not all that funny, when you stop to think about it.

05:44 It's my birthday! (Jimbo)
Yes, it really is my birthday... and for my birthday, Kat sent me a picture of a naked girl smoking a bong!  Woohoo!   Thx Kat!  Thx School of Ass!

Mouseover here for the latest installment of bong pr0n, and here to hide it from your less-than-cool coworkers.

   
                   
24 Jan 2001
18:33 Brother Nimrod explains... police corruption (Baldghoti)

Now, mah good friend Reverend Rob, who is a right upstanding lad and fellow MotC (that's "man of the cloth" to you lay-people) has told me that a lot of our more lib'rl brethren and sistren are embracing such varied and sundrous odd-ball causes as "ecolology" and "stopping po-lice corruption" and "women and blacks votin' rights".

Now, I'm pretty sure he's jes' jokin' about gals' and nee-grows votin'--why, that's almost nearly downright un-constitutional!

However, po-lice corruption is another matter entirely. In fact, po-lice corruption is an entirely and utterly impossible crime. Our good law enforcement off-ishals are just using their god-given rights. You see, when you work at a diner, you might get yo'self a nice half a pie when closin' time rolls around. Ain't no one else gonna eat it. When you work at one o' them fancy-schmancy "dee-partment stores", the boss man usually gives you a nice wholesale price on your coveralls.

Well, why should it be any different for our hardworkin' boys in blue? All they're doin' is takin' their em-ployee discount! Why should we give 'em such a hard time if, say, they don't get a ticket for, say, drivin' their car a little fast, or borrowin' a kilo of co-caine, or beatin' the hell out of an innocent nee-grow motorist in Los Angeles? Hell, if'n he was in Los Angeles, he was pro'lly doin' something i-llegal anyways, warn't he?

It's all good in the eyes of the Lord Jeeeesus, so long as they remember to tithe their ten percent.

---Reverend Nimrod ( nimrodr@anti-humor.com )

 

    Rodney King better not set foot here in Mayberry!
23 Jan 2001
07:41 Somehow, I don't think Jesus would approve (Jimbo)

Being as how I live in a town which occasionally goes by the nickname "the Holy City", I often get all sorts of Jesus-related crap unsolicited in my mailbox... but this one takes the cake.

On the front, "Divine Help" appears to be a simple ultra-cheap large-print paperback, full of bizarre selections of scripture and even more bizarre selections of poorly-rendered Jesus art.  Odd thing is, even as cheaply made as this little booklet is... it's still a bit on the expensive side for your average Jesus bulk-mail.  What gives?

Mouseover here to flip to the back cover and see the driving force behind "Divine Help"... that's right, ladies and gemmun, it's a chance for you to take God as your financial partner!

Now, the fact is, I'm not even faintly Christian.  I'm a hardcore agnostic.  So my only grounds for being offended by this piece of crap are merely the ones that anger me whenever I get the hook for any amoral scam thrown in my general direction.

Real Christians, on the other hand, should probably be lining up around the block to treat this guy to a good old-fashioned Jerusalem-style stoning.  "Take God as my financial partner," indeed!

If that ain't blasphemy, I don't know what is.

 

   
unsolicited Jesus and unsolicited investment "opportunities" - the two great scams that scam great together!
mouseover here to flip back to the front cover

 
21 Jan 2001
16:37 "Trailer-park entertainment fetish" (Keith M)

Alright, let me set something straight right now: WWF is not trailer-park entertainment. Goddammit I'm getting tired of all you snot-nosed non-wrestling fans. Whenever people walk into the comic shop while I'm watching WWF they display one of two reactions:

"Hahaha!"
or
"Hey, Summer Slam '99, right?"

    Mick Foley

        
You'd be surprised how many people are the former; wrestling fans are everywhere, it's the most popular show on tv, but most people keep it to themselves because of its "redneck" stigma. Granted there are a lot of morons who watch wrestling -- Stone Cold Steve Austin baffles the hell out of me, he's just this big dumb guy who drinks beer and people love him. But what you've gotta understand is that wrestling is a package designed to appeal to a large number of people and is the only show that actually succeeds -- for every character aimed at stupid hicks there are a half dozen aimed at the smart people in the audience. Pick any non-animated comedy or action show (with the possible exception of the unfortunately titled Buffy: The Vampire Slayer) and I'll guarantee you that wrestling kicks its sorry ass several times a week, week in and week out. I'd also like to point out that wrestling's not funny in an ironic, "gee isn't this stupid" way, it really is funny. I swear on my right testicle that if you fucks would just watch the motherfucking thing you'd be as hooked as I am.

I understand your situation, however. WWF only pulled itself out of its pit of awfulness in the last few years, and before that it truly did suck. I also thought it was garbage designed for the very young and the very stupid until I was cajoled into watching a few episodes, and wrestling has definitely changed. It's one of the most well written, genuinely hilarious and exciting shows around. So stop running your fucking mouths and just trust me on this. Next Monday when you've got nothing else to do, get a bunch of friends and watch  RAW. Once you get to know the characters you'll be kicking yourself for not watching it sooner. And keep in mind that it's not wrestling itself that rules, it's just the WWF -- their competition, World Championship Wrestling, puts on a shitty show that I wouldn't recommend for anything beyond seeing the occasional half-naked woman, which WWF's got covered anyway.

And don't even start about wrestling being fake -- "real" wrestling is boring as piss and I've got no desire to actually see people get hurt. Think about what you're saying before you pull out that tiresome argument; if it was "real", would you start watching? No? Then shut the fuck up!

I'm telling you, I could make a great wrestler. "Misrepresented Guy". I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!

(Jimbo sez: actually, I do watch "real wrestling" - it's called shootfighting.)

    

11:42 Ask and ye shall receive: bong pr0n! (Jimbo)
I've gotta hand it to reader caffeinated: s/he didn't find a naked chick hitting a bong... but s/he did find a naked chick with a bong.  And not only did s/he find me a naked chick with a bong, s/he found me a naked natural redhead with a bong.  Impressive!

Mouseover here to share in the bong pr0n... and if you hear your pastor walking in behind you, just mouseover here to change the picture to an adorable little kitten.

   
                   
00:56 The Redneck Report (Jimbo)
Not only did I attend my first Monster Jam (monster truck show) tonight... I bought a T-shirt.  And screamed myself fucking hoarse.

I guess Keith M is no longer the only one around here with a seriously trailer-park entertainment fetish... but dammit, that shit was awesome.   I've always loved great big powerful motors, and even though I'd always kinda considered monster trucks, well... odd (my tastes run more towards hardcore street performance machines) the show was great fun because these guys are simply not afraid to bury the tach doing donuts, catching air, going "freestyle", and, well, ripping shit up out there in the arena.

You gotta love that.

  

  

    
Monster Patrol
Monster Patrol was definitely the most
consistently impressive truck/driver combo there.
            

the American Guardian
At least I'm not listening to Lee Greenwood songs...!

    I mean, yeah, so normally I like street performers, not ludicrously over-lifted trucks bouncing around on 66" tires... but god damn, I never get to see a 1200+ hp performance sedan doing 7000+ RPM donuts around a big concrete arena, either.  Sweeet!

On a final "how much of a redneck am I?" note: the sight of a great fucking big truck with a great fucking big motor and American flags, bald eagles, and a POW-MIA flag or two plastered all over it rippin' shit up at redline actually roused a hint of, well, patriotic spirit...!

I can't believe I just admitted that.

 
                     
20 Jan 2001
13:27 The voice of a generation (Baldghoti)
I just recieved my copy of "Death To All Cheerleaders" (Amazon link), by the seminal author Marty Beckerman.  His biting cruelty (he was fired from the Anchorage Daily News for asking a cheerleader how it feels to be a "stain on the toilet seat of America") and complete, utter cynicism make him undoubtedly the greatest possible idol for those too young to properly be described as Generation X.

And speaking of seminal authors, The Conscious Beast is updated.  Go get some.

    

15 Jan 2001
08:36 People are stupid, and so is People magazine (Jimbo)
I'm not making this shit up, people.  (And speaking of people who work in the sleazy "comic-strip-joint" industry, Smile is updated today! )

But actually, as entertaining as it is, that little "obituary oops" wasn't why I bought a copy of - gag - People magazine.  I bought it to scan in and share with you a picture of Garth Brooks and his ex-wife.  Why did I want to share a picture of Garth Brooks and his ex-wife, you ask?

  

  
     
garthandtim.jpg (11075 bytes)

  

   Because I had a feeling I wasn't the only one who didn't know Garth Brooks was ever married to Tim Allen, that's why...!

I did not doctor this image in any way what-so-fucking-ever.

Is that some scary shit, or what?

14 Jan 2001
21:12 Terrible marketing ideas, but I still give MTV props (Baldghoti)

Within three minutes of MTV, I came across three terrible marketing ideas--two of which were MTV's fault..

1. The Superbowl halftime show... featuring N*sync. I'm gonna miss these guys when an entire arena of post-pubescent, testosterone-crazed Neanderthals mob and tear these teenyboppers into tiny shreds. Aerosmith is much more like it.

2. Extreme milk-chugging. Milk and workouts don't mix. Hello, projectile vomiting and passing out. There's nothing like the feeling of an entire stomachful of sour milk when you're working out. If you want to sell bottled milk, don't use a recycled Gatorade commercial.

3. Making The Band. The story of a boy band's rise to mediocrity. The show's so bad that they don't have a webpage for it.

Okay, now that I've done the obligatory slamming of MTV, I want to tip my hat to them for their "Anatomy Of A Hate Crime", a special on the story of Matthew Shepard of the University of Wyoming, who was beaten and left to die solely because of his homosexuality. After the two hour, no-commercial special, they aired 18 hours (!) of descriptions of racial, gender, and sexual hate crimes, most from within the last three years. A big thumbs-up to MTV for this wake-up call.

    

12 Jan 2001
22:51 Search engine madness (Jimbo)
I would like you to know that, according to my stats log spies,  some sick fucker got here a few minutes ago by searching for "how to use Rohypnol."

Great.

Look pal, instead of traumatizing some poor girl with your inept attempt at druggery and buggery - thereby fucking it up for the rest of us, some of   whom might otherwise one day have an honest shot at that tail - why not just put on a dirty robe, grow a beard, and get religion?

It shouldn't be much of a stretch, if it's the Jesus on the right you're going to emulate - I could be way out in left field here, but I'm guessing you've already got the weasel-whippin' part down pat.

   
jesusjerk.gif (17586 bytes)

everybody's doin' the Jesus Jerk!

  

       

    

   On the other hand, I'm definitely feelin' the vibe with the guy who was searching Google for "pictures of stoned hippie chicks."  Right on, brother!  Wanna see a naked stoned hippie chick?  Mouseover here.  (Mouseover here to get bong girl back, and here to hide your filthy, filthy browsing habits.)

I gotta tell ya, it's surprisingly hard to find pictures of naked girls with weed.  Why is it that I can find a video clip of a girl wearing a stripper bikini firing a machine pistol in 10 seconds flat (go here if you want to pay money to see completely naked girls doing this kind of thing), but after an hour of dedicated searching, I can't find a single picture of a naked girl taking a bong hit?!

There's something very, very wrong with that.   Not that I'm anti-gun in the slightest, of course, but, well... "gunfire" and "naked girls" just never really went together so much for me.  It's bad enough having to worry about wearing a jimmy-hat, do I really want to have to wonder if she's got the safety on?

On the other hand, "girls with guns" videotapes remain awfully popular in some circles.  So maybe it's just me.

(What I really wanna know is this: why the fuck do so many people keep coming here looking for "Johnny Knoxville naked?")
00:35 More Nigeria-bashing (Baldghoti)
Here's a quick list of the ten most         
corrupt countries on the planet:           		And just for the sake of positivity,
the ten LEAST corrupt countries:
  
10. 
9. 
8. 
7. 
6. 
5. 
4. 
3. 
2. 
1. 		 Mozambique         
Kenya
Russia
Cameroon
Angola
Indonesia
Azerbaijan
Ukraine
Yugoslavia
Nigeria

 
10. 
9. 
8. 
7. 
6. 
5. 
4. 
3. 
2. 
1. 		 United Kingdom
Netherlands
Iceland
Norway
Singapore
Canada
New Zealand
Sweden
Denmark
Finland

 

The United States scored 14th, with a 7.8 out of 10.0.

(Stats from http://www.gwdg.de/~uwvw/icr.htm - the Internet Center for Corruption Research)

On another note, The Conscious Beast is updated today--guaranteed 100% corruption-free.

ADDENDUM: Just recently caught this story from dotcult, and it relates to those crazy Nigerians: Nigerians go insane due to eclipse

    

00:34 Classic comedy for the "engineering geek" mentality (Jimbo)
Most of you whippersnappers - even the few Niven fans among you - have probably never seen this veritable masterpiece of logical farce.

Prepare to laugh your geeky little ass off at... Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex!

(thanks to Worthless Scum for reminding me of this classic!)

   
"I wish I was queer, so I could get chicks!"
11 Jan 2001
08:37 New Haunted Ninja Nun Walrus Fuckers! episode (Jimbo)

Well... sorta.  (I have a feeling Erik devoted more effort to his Smile "fanfic", which we should be seeing Monday morning...)

    

08:36 Returning briefly to the "cute little kitties" theme (Jimbo)
This picture, I think, manages to say as much about society as the article that accompanied it, which is a full-page piece on the State Of The Union between the Presidential Cat and the Presidential Dog.  (I only wish I were kidding.)

I'd like to think that the author of the article intended it as a work of irony... but the photographer that took this shot had to have been angling for exactly what he got.

I bet those guys would never treat Sean Penn's cat this way.

(thanks to Vyacheslav for the link to the article)

   

 

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