Welcome to the 19 Feb - 21 Mar archive of Stream - you can click the planet to the left to get back to Jimbo's World if you're lost.

   STREAM OF urine
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21 March 2000
17:53 As promised, a very weird product
And from the I Can't Believe Somebody Actually Manufactures This Shit department, we have... drum roll please... Grow-A-Date!   Yes, that's right, grow-a-date.

There are apparently both male and female varieties, but the female variety was sold out at the gas station I found these at, so... anyway, let me tell you what, the chick behind the counter gave me a really odd look when I bought this.  But wtf do you say?   "I really wanted a female grow-a-date, but you didn't have any, so I'm settling for a guy?"  Technically true, but probably wouldn't go very far towards explaining the whole thing in a way that makes gas-station-chica any more comfortable.  Oh well. wink.gif (135 bytes)




17:52 Ever had one of those conversations...
...where you remember something hysterically funny that got said... but you have no fucking clue what the hell led you to say something like that? 
PeeT:  And what is the moral of our little story?
Jimbo:  Uhhhh... never give an orangutan a dildo?
PeeT:  Exactly.

Anyway, that little gem transpired - for some reason - while PeeT and I watched this old crusty tape of sorta-kinda-the-original-pilot-episode of the original Star Trek series last night.   (It was only "sorta-kinda" because it was actually just pieces of the original black-and-white pilot pieced in with (color!) footage from an actual episode of Star Trek.)

You have no idea how campy the whole thing was.  I think the best part was the introduction, in which Gene Roddenberry was explaining earnestly to you that Star Trek was so very different from all the other TV shows because he "insisted on characters with real depth, with understandable motivations... genuine characters."  What, like William Shatner as James T. Kirk?  Bwahahahaha!


17:51 Old crusty fax humor that still kicks ass

Does the damn thing work?




Hahahaha, I hadn't seen this flowchart since the ridiculously early nineties, when I was "haze gray and underway" (translation: active duty Navy, on sea duty) and other boats used to fax stuff like this to us.

But it's just as applicable now as it was then. wink.gif (135 bytes)

Sent in by Rand al'Tuna - alert reader, CGI guru, and quadraplegic extraordinaire.


05 March 2000
14:09 And in the "entertaining lines" category...
I saw Play It To The Bone with PeeT last night. ::sigh::  That movie just wasn't really all I'd hoped it was gonna be.  For that matter, it wasn't what the L.A. Times reviewer had cracked it up to be, either.  But it did at least have one hilarious line in it...
Antonio Banderas:   "I am not a fag!  I was just experimenting with a lot of things for a year."
Woody Harrelson:   "What do you mean you're not a fag?!  If I had a dick up my ass, it wouldn't take me a year to figure out I didn't like it!"


Anyway, I'm going to be out of town again for the first part of next week... but I've already got something tasty lined up for you when I get back, from the I Can't Believe Somebody Actually Manufactures This Shit department.  I just need to drag its ass across the scanner now, and the scanner is (shhh!) at work.  So it'll be next week before I can share. 

Until then, don't forget the official mascot of the I Can't Believe Somebody Actually Manufactures This Shit department, the Pocket Trout™... because everybody needs a Pocket Trout™!



Everybody needs a Pocket Trout!


02 March 2000
17:21 And in modern medical news...
In medical news today, the science of gene-splicing has been advanced further with the first successful inter-genus cross-breeding... that's right, folks, simply mouseover here and you can see the world's first - and only - viable shar-pei / water buffalo hybrid animal.

And apparently, it needs a bath.  Any volunteers...?  No, I didn't think so.


Thanks to alert reader Chuck for inflicting this abomination on us all!



It's a shar-pei!  It's a water buffalo!  It's... *nasty.*
Can't take any more?  Mouseover here
to make it all go away...  you wuss. wink.gif (135 bytes)


19:03 Oh, those wacky cow-orkers of mine

Nena.jpg (25989 bytes)
Yes, this really is a coworker of mine - although I
have a sneaking suspicion that she may not be returning
to work.  (The  blacked-out areas are place names.)



Shumate is charged with unauthorized removal of a dead body and destruction or desecration of human remains.  She is accused of trying to saw off his left leg after he was dead.  (Speculation at work is running wild as to whether he didn't fit in the freezer worth a damn, or she just got hungry.)

Police said Shumate is a flight risk and asked [Judge] Guedalia to impose a high bail.  She is engaged to marry a 28-year-old man from England who arrived in the country about three weeks ago, Phillips said.  (She also had only "met" him in an AOL chat room a few weeks ago.)

Police do not believe Shumate and O'Neil were romantically involved, Lucas said... O'neil's family had not spoken with him since early 1999 and had reported him missing in June, according to James Peacher, a private investigator hired by the family.  Peacher said he began looking for O'Neil in October and had spoken with Shumate several times.

Police went to the home on Tuesday with a warrant to search for evidence of illegal use of O'Neil's funds.  While at the house, police discovered the body and notified the County Sheriff's Office, which has jurisdiction of the area.

Shumate allegedly told police she found O'Neil dead in his bedroom in February 1999, Phillips said.  Police say she bought or rented a freezer to put him in and stowed it in the garage.

Some of Shumate's neighbors in the Woodside Manor subdivision said they were unnerved by the incident.  (Well, duh!)

(All text in orange was excerpted
from the continuation on pg 11-A.)

At the risk of repeating myself...
No, I am not kidding.


28 February 2000
17:18 I finally got a copy of Photoshop 5.5 today...

So naturally, the first thing I did with it was to create something truly disturbing... if you were wondering, that used to be a really sexy pic of Sharon Stone.  Um, sorry 'bout that, Sharon... forgive me?  Thanks babe... smooches! wink.gif (135 bytes)

Hey!  Now that I've posted that little abortion on the left, it suddenly occurs to me that most of you probably haven't seen the "modified" Microsoft 1978 staff pic that it draws on in part... and it's pretty damn entertaining:



Ph34r my skillz, y0.


Shagadelic, baby!    


The guy in the middle row on the far left donated his mustache and nose to the cause... don't ask me about the guy in the upper row all the way on the left, 'cause I didn't have anything to do with it.  Looks appropriate, though, doesn't it? wink.gif (135 bytes)


24 February 2000
17:23 Not really Theatre For The Jaded, but what the hell
Bwahahaha... this slew me.   Have you seen that Budweiser commercial where the guys are on the phone going "Wazzup... wazzup!  waZZZZUUUPPP!"  (Don't worry, nobody at my office has, either.)  Even if you haven't, as long as you're old enough to remember sitting in front of the TV on Saturday morning watching the Superfriends, this'll probably entertain the hell out of you. wink.gif (135 bytes)  If you're a dialup loser like me, this is about 4.5MB.   (If you're on cable or DSL, why the hell do you care?)  Play clicky-the-picture to download.    




19 February 2000
08:06 3 offices... 3 major cities... 2 states... 2 days...

I really needed to unwind...
900 miles of interstate traffic can make you a bit tense.



And I feel wonderful. Yeah, right... and Michael Jackson was born that color, too.  After 900 Interstate miles in two days, most of which was in the demonic state of North Carolina, I am more convinced of the lackwittedness and general incompetence of my fellow man than ever before.

And that, my friends, is why I'm about to answer some of the most unfortunately unasked questions about the rules of the road... so look just below, dear reader, for answers to all your questions about how to at least pretend you look like you know what the fuck you're doing on the Interstate.

note: if you are from the UK or some other place where they drive in the left lane, please make all the appropriate mental adjustments.  (Duh?)


Interstate Q&A with Jimbo

Q. I'm in the left lane, and this guy about 3 or 4 carlengths back is barreling down on me hard.   There's a couple of carlengths empty to the right, he could probably manage to pass me there... but he's still charging at me!  What should I do?
A. Get the fuck out of the way, you moron!   No, really.  You know how they say "always pass on the left, never on the right?"  That won't work if your sorry ass won't move to the right so that faster-moving cars can pass you on the left.  Duh?
Q. But I'm already driving x mph over the limit!  Why should I make it any easier for him to drive too fast?
A. In NASCAR, the first object of the competition is to get around the track as fast as you can.  The second object is to prevent anyone else from getting around the track faster than you are... even if they are faster.  What you may or may not be aware of is that NASCAR is also home of the catchy phrase "rubbing is racing" - and unlike NASCAR drivers, you don't have an integral rollcage built into a custom tube frame chassis, a Nomex (fireproof) racing suit, and a five-point restraint harness with submarine belt - and you probably don't consider the sheetmetal on your car "expendable and unimportant", either.

So why the fuck are you trying to drive like Mark Martin in the lead with Jeff Gordon coming up strong on the inside?  Get the hell out of the way, dammit!

Q. I really wasn't paying attention, and I didn't notice that guy barreling down on me until he was only a length or two behind me.  I think he's getting ready to pass me on the right.   What should I do?
A. Hey, it happens to all of us every now and then.  If you're sure he's already begun a lane change right, just stay where you are - swerving into the lane he's trying to pass you in is not a good idea.  If you're not sure he's already committed to pass you on the right, then turn your right turn signal on, and look in your rearview - if he's still coming on straight, move crisply to the right long enough for him to get by.  (If he starts to swerve to pass you on the right anyway, turn the signal off and stay where you are.)
Q. I'm driving the speed limit, and I'm in the right hand lane.  Two or three cars doing ten or fifteen over are coming up behind me in the left hand lane, and there's a knot of three or four cars ahead in the right lane doing two under.  What should I do?
A. Wait for the faster-moving traffic to get by before you pass, dammit.  It's a lot easier for you to wait for a couple of cars going 12 to 17 mph faster than you are to pass you than it is for them to wait for you to pass the folks in front of you at only TWO mph faster!
Q. I'm in the same situation, except there's a steady stream of faster-moving traffic to the left.   I really can't stand driving as slow as the people ahead of me, but I don't want to drive as fast as the people in the left lane are, either.  What do I do?
A. Wait for a decent opening to get in the left lane, then get in there and accelerate!  You don't necessarily have to go as fast as the left lane traffic, but you'd damned well better keep your foot on the go-fast pedal until you're driving at least 5 mph faster than the folks you're passing.  As soon as you're clear of them, signal immediately (to keep anyone behind you from getting impatient and trying to force a pass to the right), and crisply change lanes back to the right lane.
Q. I'm feelin' ya, man!  But I'm the guy in the left lane, and I'm barreling down on some dickhead driving five under and pacing the traffic to his right.  There's nowhere to go around, but I see some empty space in the right lane, fifteen or twenty cars up - and this schmuck won't get there before next Christmas!  Now what?
A. I'd suggest that if the guy isn't speeding up any, you get at or just barely short of one carlength behind him, and stay there - this is just close enough to psychologically infringe his "personal space".  Most people will briefly speed up when you do this... which, of course, is the idea.  Flash your lights very briefly twice when he's about one carlength behind the empty space to the right - odds are good that if he's dull enough to need to get his personal space infringed upon just to go fast enough to pass the traffic, he's also going to need a hint before he's aware that he needs to move right to let faster traffic go by.  Don't make a huge production out of riding his ass incredibly close, or attempting to use your highbeam/lowbeam toggle fast enough and repeatedly enough to initiate an epileptic seizure - that's a lose-lose situation.  After all, if he's too dull to get the point already, he's still not going to get it when you do your little routine - and if he did get the idea already, why are you trying to piss him off?  Give him a chance to get out of the way, already!
Q. But Jimbo, driving close is unsafe.  They taught me in Driver's Ed that I'm supposed to maintain one carlength per 10mph of speed.  How can you tell people to tailgate?
A. Well, they say driving close is unsafe... and they're right.  But what they won't tell you is that bigass knots of traffic snarled up behind some jackhole that won't get out of the way are just as dangerous, if not worse - because when people get frustrated, they start doing dangerous things.  Keep in mind that if there's a really big knot of fast traffic stuck behind some jerk that's barely moving faster than the traffic in the right, and you're maintaining six or seven lengths between you and him, they're going to start passing you on the right just because they're frustrated.  The worst mistake you could make now would be to try to put six lengths in between you and the guy that just passed you on the right... because now, you're going even slower than the guy causing the original problem, and there's going to be a steady stream of people trying to pass you on the right until you finally get the hint and close the distance enough to keep the people behind you happy.

Causing a steady stream of traffic to barrel around you on the right is considerably more dangerous than closing the gap is.

However, with that said... yes, getting close enough to cramp somebody's "personal space" and make them speed up slightly is dangerous.  So take your cruise control off, and maintain a very sharp state of readiness and alertness until you can get around the rolling obstruction in front of you.  If you are extremely tired and can't maintain razor-sharp alertness, then you need to move right and let the frustrated people around you.  (You might also consider getting the hell off of the Interstate for long enough to chug down a couple cups of coffee or glasses of tea or coke, or even taking a nap in a Waffle House parking lot.  Highway hypnosis is a Bad Thing™, mmmkay?)

Q. Hey Jimbo, what do you do when you want to drive fifteen or twenty over and the asshole in front of you won't do more than five or ten over, and there's nowhere to the right for either of you to go?  Do you flash your lights at him, or crowd him, or make little speed runs at his bumper and then hit the brake, or what?
A. How about none of the above, you fucking asshole?  Now look, if you wanna go fifteen or twenty over, I'm the last motherfucker out there wanting to stop you - hell, I've been known to drive that fast myself, although I try not to anymore for police-and-insurance related reasons.  But if there's nowhere to the right to go, and he is moving considerably faster than the traffic on the right, then you're just going to have to slow the fuck down until there's somewhere for him to go.

Stick two-and-a-half to three carlengths behind him, and flash your headlights twice.  Do not repeat.  Now he knows that you really do want to go faster, as opposed to just closing a gap between the two of you for some retarded reason.  Wait.   Hopefully, as soon as there's an opening, he'll happily get out of your way - after all, if nothing else, you're going to make him a lovely front-guard against the inevitable speed trap.  If he doesn't go right when there's a reasonable opportunity, then you can begin treating him as a rolling obstruction as outlined above.

But this is America - so he's innocent until proven guilty, not the other way around, OK?

Q. You know, it really irritates me that you're making all these comments about people driving the speed limit.  Why do you act like there's some kind of shame in driving the legal limit?
A. You've got the wrong idea.  Every now and then, I see somebody driving the speed limit - or five under - in the right hand lane, who encounters somebody moving more slowly than they are - gets in the left lane, accelerates to crisply pass the obstruction in front of them, and then immediately shifts back into the right lane.  And you know what?

Every time I see that happen, I wish I could shake that person's hand.

There's not a damned thing wrong with driving the speed limit, if that's what speed is comfortable for you for whatever reason.  I don't want to try to tell you what speed to drive any more than I want you to tell me what speed to drive... I just hate it when people get in the fucking way.  I didn't like it in high school hallways, I don't like it in the mall, and I don't like it on the interstate.  But hey, if you want to drive slowly and competently... more power to you, and I sincerely wish there were more on the road like you.



Click here for 11 February 2000 Stream



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