Welcome to the Dec 1-27 1999 archive of Stream - you can click the planet to the left to get back to Jimbo's World if you're lost.

        
   STREAM OF urine
CONSCIOUSNESS
   This is the part of the site where I don't have to screw about with formatting, or layouts, or anything else.  I just bang on the keyboard like a diseased monkey, and *poof* - instant content!  Guess what part of the site's most likely to get updated on a regular basis?  Right.   
    
27 December 1999
18:43 Those damnable Chinese are at it again
I got a fortune cookie today at lunch with two fortunes in it... here they are, presented in order of appearance within the cookie:

renegotiate.gif (5312 bytes)harm.gif (3084 bytes)

Wtf?

This kind of thing never happens when you go to McDonald's.  >=\

 

26 December 1999
22:05 Keep that Y2K bug out of your bedroom with...
y2kyjelly.jpg (15338 bytes)

 

01:07 Theatre for the Jaded: this is not  a normal yoga exercise
dhalsim.jpg (4918 bytes)



This scrawny Indian fucker is really, really strange...  Here's
1.4 MB worth of skanky-ass mpeg showcasing his, er, "talents".

No Russian wrestlers were harmed in the making of this video.   dhalf.gif (4300 bytes)

 

23 December 1999
23:56 I know I haven't been updating, and of course I have a whiny-ass excuse...
But do you really want to hear it?  No, I didn't think you did.  Fuck you anyway - I still don't feel like updating.

But hey, what the fuck, merry Christmas.
    

blindwinolinker.gif (6850 bytes) Go to www.blindwino.com and read stuff.  Seriously... this guy is insanely cool.   I'm not sure how often he updates, but if it's fairly regularly, he's definitely going to get a spot in the linkbar.  (Thanks to Jason of shitnews for the tip... he's had me in the Site of the Week spot for about three weeks now, and I'm just now getting around to returning the linkage.  Am I a fucking bastard, or what?)
heroicdog.jpg (14575 bytes) Then go check out this Onion-style article from the Spark... this is so mind-numbingly cool, you can actually feel the drool escaping the corner of your retarded, lopsided grin just before it starts dripping off of your chin.

I considered blind linking a bukkake festival from the phrase "dripping off of your chin"... but, what the hell, it's almost Christmas.   Be thankful for my merciful holiday spirit.

comicstoregeeks.jpg (13536 bytes) Comic store geeks are often kinda amusing when they're at the top of their form.  Of course, it's a damn shame that they so rarely have the requisite social skills to avoid horrifying everyone around them for that 90% of every waking hour that they aren't at the top of their form...  Ah, well.
godsdrill.gif (3888 bytes) Who doesn't love a nice loony-ass Christian?  When I was 15 years old, my next door neighbor used to provide me with hours and hours of unintentional entertainment.  I'll never forget her telling me how she'd "just been having tea with Jesus yesterday".  Once, I told her that she really should either get a chain for her son's bike, or else let him bring the bike into her walled-in back yard... only to have her explain to me that she preferred him leave his bike unchained and outside the wall - where it wasn't even visible from inside the yard or the house - because "Jesus would watch over it for us."

Needless to say, sonny boy was walking everywhere he went within a week or two.  I told her that apparently Hayzoos was indeed watching over her house - and hoping for more valuables.  But I think the point eluded her.

This guy is even fucking crazier than she was.

 

19 December 1999
16:32 If you're reading this...
Then you're reading it on the new, First Amendment approved jimbosworld.org server.  WOOHOO!   Lemme know if you find anything broken; trying to move the entire site from one server to another is a real pain in the ass.

 

18 December 1999
16:43 Which competitor would you like to exterminate today?
Microsoft's Linux Focus Group      Props to Philbin for bringing this little jewel to my attention.

 

 

 

have you smeared fecal butter on a cens0r today?

 

17 December 1999
16:39 Important announcement
I have been cens0red.  Clearly, this is a temporary condition.  I have already located a new host, and it will require approximately a week or two until I can move the domain there.

Don't think.
Don't read.
Don't breathe.

The First Amendment is nothing but scurrilous trash, kiddies, and if you don't do exactly what the Man tells you to - and nothing but what the Man tells you to - your innocent, fragile little brains might be tragically warped.

Or you might learn something.

And we can't have either of those things... now can we?

Please stay tuned, folks.  Jimbo's World is NOT dead, and it is NOT going to remain censored for long.  Like I said, I've already located a new host - one that still believes in those little inconsequentials like freedom of speech.  I'll be paying them a visit tomorrow in person to negotiate the final details for my service there, but only good things will come of this, believe me.  So give me about two weeks, and all those pig-fucking ugly "censored" graphics will be gone, the content will be back, AND LIFE WILL FUCKING WELL BE PEACHY.

Thank you for your support.

 

15 December 1999
19:50 íLos bandidos del refrigerador, se guardan!
Sadly, there seem to be some burrito-stealin' motherfuckers at work.  That's why I posted this sign on the fridge:

I wouldn't eat that, if I were you.

You can pick up a simply incredible amount of surprisingly useful information in six years of Naval service.

 

18:28 Stay away from the seafood
Hmmm.  It seems as though there may be something very "speshur" about the Jade dishes in Chinese restaurants.  Examine closely:
    

12/1/99, Comrade Delusion orders Jade Chicken:    

r33t fortune
                                       

12/15/99, Jimbo orders Jade Scallops:     

chinese dwarf no like big gwai-lo in suit

Coincidence?  I think not.   Ordering the Jade dishes is like playing with a magic eight ball.   Specifically, it's like playing with a magic eight ball containing an angry chinese dwarf floating in tequila, scribbling shit on the little cube just to fuck with your head

One of these days, I'm gonna make that little bastard pay.

 

14 December 1999
01:27 In defense of "Geoshitties"
You know, everybody - and I do mean everybody - bags on Geocities.  And there was a time when they richly deserved it - fucking awful connectivity, shitty-ass watermark thingies that did some jive-ass jitterbug scroll up and down to stay in the lower right-hand corner of the page all getting in the way and shit... eh, it was almost worse than Crosswinds, and let me tell you, Crosswinds sucks unwashed ass.

But have you looked at any Geocities pages lately?  You know, for a free provider, they've actually gotten pretty mackin'.  I haven't had a connectivity problem or a significant bandwidth problem while looking at a Geocities-hosted page in quite some time now... and that pig-nasty javascript watermark has been replaced with what has got to be the best-behaved ad banner I have ever seen on a free page.

Instead of splashing a bigass banner across the top and/or bottom of the page - or, worse yet, inserting a big ass-nasty pop-up ad that gets in the way and usurps the focus from the current browser - Geocities' new system opens up a small, well-behaved little square in the upper-right-hand corner of the page that stays where it is, doesn't steal the focus from the page you're browsing... and it even minimizes itself all on its own if you haven't done anything with it in fifteen seconds!

I'm not real damn fond of advertising at all; but let's face it - "free" shit is only "free" to you because the provider can find a way to make money off of someone else... which makes the presence of advertising on free webspace pretty much an inevitability.

I never ever thought I'd say this, but... given all of the above, if you find yourself in need of some free webspace (and you aren't an unethical little bastard who'd rather just defeat the pop-up ads on one of the other services), I'd definitely recommend that you go check out www.geocities.com.

Somebody shoot me... please?

 

00:57 Theatre for the Jaded: An Audio Presentation
I laughed until I fucking cried the first time I listened to this MP3 clip promoting Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute's new-skool efforts.

(note for the IQ deficient: this clip is under a "Theatre for the Jaded" header for a reason.)

 

 

00:20 Let me clear something up for you fine folks
rightball.jpg (17119 bytes)        

 

wrongball.jpg (16076 bytes)

sometimes, you're
there to play ball...

and sometimes, you're there
to kick some fucking ass.

    

 

13 December 1999
00:03 Go go hooker skates!
Ahahaha, this fuckin' slew me... It's hidden behind a mouseover for the usual reason, of course. Mouseover here to check it out, penismightier really outdid themselves this time.  You can go there if you want to see more of our special little inline skating friend... they've got a sort of an "action sequence" thing going.

Also as usual, you can mouseover here if you don't wanna see it anymore... or if you hear your boss heading your way, or whatever.

 

Rude, crude, and immature
Remember a while back when I posted a link to an archived copy of that oldskool favorite, Mirksy's Worst Of The Web?   Well, imagine my surprise when, a couple of days ago, I got an email from the guys over at Kill Ugly TV...  heh heh heh, I remember when they made Mirsky's for their article describing "vagina" as "a condition that we have discovered fully half of the world's population is afflicted with."  (Can you say "misogynistic"?  I knew you could.)

Stile definitely wasn't kidding when he described the Kill Ugly TV guys as "more immature than I am"... and while their Ask Dr. Bastard column might have the same basic format as the Ask Professor Stoner column, I gotta tell ya, Dr. Bastard is definitely a bit more rude to the clientele.

Speaking of which, why the hell haven't you people been asking Professor Stoner any questions?   Go on, go on, make with the clicking, I know you people have questions that need answering.

 

09 December 1999
08:06 I'm back, I'm bad, and I'm nationwide
Woohoo!  Everything didn't go quite as planned with the move to the newer server at my host, but it's all good now.  Most of the broken content is fixed, and the rest of it (like Josh's favorite Gummi Worm pix) will get replaced later on tonight.

Didja miss me?

 

08 December 1999
12:15 Hosting status
OK, folks... I got in touch with my host this morning.  They were very accommodating, and all is now well.  Expect the broken content to be restored and functional again later on tonight, and we shouldn't have any more problems like this.

I dunno if you feel better, but I sure do.

 

01:10 A non-update
Yes, I'm quite aware that I have a bunch of broken images on the page.  There will be no update tonight - I have some shit I need to straighten out with my webhost as soon as they're open for business tomorrow morning.  Never fear - I have the entire page archived locally; if things go badly with my host tomorrow then I will simply put the page somewhere else and redirect http://jimbosworld.org to go there instead of here.

The worst you might possibly have to put up with would be a redirect page here that automatically sent you to the new page, until I could get the domain name itself to point to the new server.  Hopefully, none of that will even be necessary - at this point, to be frank, I am planning on changing servers, but hopefully we can get that accomplished without any of you even noticing.

More news tomorrow - and I'm sorry if this made your day suck a little bit more... but just think how much it made my day suck, eh?

 

07 December 1999
01:29 A friendly warning
There's nothing quite like the feeling of calling up tech support for a service you're paying good money for and, upon identifying yourself and your problem, immediately being asked "so, you don't believe in God?"  Um, yeah.  I really felt like dealing with that today.  If you're reading this - and you know who you are - then let me make one thing perfectly clear: fuck with me just a little bit more, and the next thing you're gonna be asking a customer is "so, you want fries with that?"

Get it?   Got it?  Good.

 

The obligatory daily skank
Man... I dunno if I could pick just one stupid caption for this pic..  I mean, there's just so many places you could go with it: "The Perfect Woman - Flat Head Not Required!"  "Australian for Poontang!"  Well, fuckit, you get the idea... so come up with your own smartass captions just this once, okay?

Anyway, the usual naked-hoochy-genitalia warning applies - but if you can handle it, then mouseover here to chiggity-check the skank, and here to make it go away again.

Self-righteous types are so entertaining sometimes
One of my clients is a local video rental chain.  The peeps working there are pretty cool for the most part, so when I have to go visit one to lay the smack down on an errant old crusty computer, I usually wind up hanging around and socializing for quite a while after I sign out in the logbook.   Tonight was no exception, and since some people had recently been fired for colorful reasons, it was a particularly entertaining night to socialize and swap war stories.

Which is how I came to be loudly stating "oh, great, that will fuck the database" just as a middle-aged, somewhat hefty, primly-dressed pinch-faced woman pokes open the door, dumps a movie in the drop box in the counter, glares at me disapprovingly, and ducks back out the door again to go back to her car, which is still running by the sidewalk.

"Shit," I think, "I had to go enthusiastically yelling 'fuck' right when some church-going customer opens the door.   THAT really makes your clients happy with you.  Oh well..."  But then Brandy goes over to the drop box, pulls the movie our disapproving matron just dropped, and grins from ear-to-ear.  "Um, I don't think you have to worry about that after all..."  Brandy holds out the movie to me, and the title is "I SWALLOW!"

Rule. /laugh.gif (135 bytes)

 

03 December 1999
20:57 If only *I* was this flexible...!
Is there really anything to be said other than "ohmygod?"  (No.  There isn't.)  I've been astonished at just how flexible women can be on more than one occasion in the past, but... wow.   As far as I can tell, the original picture (click the gif to see the considerably larger original jpeg) was not faked.

Yeow.

I want this woman.

Forum work in progress
I'm workin' on it, chilluns... I downloaded the scripts, I'm going to start working on them tonight.  So don't get too frustrated if the updating is a bit on the light side for the next few days... remember, you asked for it.

 

02 December 1999
23:01 Theatre for the Jaded
Heh... I only wish I had an actual .mpg of this... but the more I think about it, the more I realize that jpegs are quite enough, thank you.                    

If you don't want to see some guy that has a gummi worm jammed several inches deep into his dick, then whatever you do, don't mouseover here!   (mouseover here to make it go away again)

And for god's sake don't click here if you don't want to see a motion-capture still-frame sequence.

Props to Stile for supplying the skank - let's all hope his server resurrects itself soon.

 

01 December 1999
01:57 NEWS FLASH: New Quarter Homepage Takes No Quarter
Damn.  Megan delivered an excellent take-no-prisoners tirade against cynicism on the web - go check it out.  While you're there, I recommend poking around at all the rest of the goodies she has there... what Megan lacks in flashy HTML phunk, she more than makes up in thought-provoking intellectual goodness.

You go, girl.

 

 

Click here for 15 November 1999 Stream

 

 

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