Does capitalism always have to be so... gaudy?     
 

  

Welcome to the 28 Dec - 11 Feb archive of Stream - you can click the planet to the left to get back to Jimbo's World if you're lost.

        
   STREAM OF urine
CONSCIOUSNESS
   This is the part of the site where I don't have to screw about with formatting, or layouts, or anything else.  I just bang on the keyboard like a diseased monkey, and *poof* - instant content!  Guess what part of the site's most likely to get updated on a regular basis?  Right.   
    
29 April 2000
12:47 Stoned discoveries
Accidentally knocking an almost full bottle of Armor-All™ off of a kitchen counter, so that it shatters on impact with the linoleum floor, is a Very Bad Thing.

Think about it.

And once you're done thinking about it, you should reinforce the lesson by clicking these three links to other inadvisable personal experiments.

Along those same lines, could someone please tell me why this device is supposed to intimidate an attacker... or, failing that, be much assistance in incapacitating him?!  Oh well.   And now, on to a completely different topic:

Anybody else remember Eliza?  Eliza was an old "Artificial Intelligence" program somebody wrote in Fortran on a machine at MIT in 1966, which everybody and his kid brother eventually ported to BASIC on their favorite crusty old 8-bit PC. 

As you can see, Eliza can be rather entertaining to abuse, but there was never any real opportunity to engage it in a Turing Test back in the day - it was all too obvious, back then, that there couldn't possibly be anybody at the other end of the keyboard.  Well, times, they're a-changin'... and apparently, it's also important to note that the results of a Turing Test rely on not merely the quality of the test subject, but also the quality of the "normal".

 

 

 

Eliza

applet ganked from www.chayden.net

    

A note for the terminally retarded and/or impatient: you really, really should click that last blind link.

 

07:39 I had the most fucked up dream this morning...
OK... I quit my job and went back home to Alabama, to this really great job I had lined up there.  Only when I got there, I couldn't remember who the fuck I'd lined it up with, so I didn't know what to do... so I joined the Navy again, hating myself for it the whole time but not knowing how else to get some money so I wouldn't starve.  So I go back to boot camp in Orlando again, and I arrive and get assigned to my company really really late that night, after all the other guys in the company are already in bed.  So I go find a rack, still in my civilian clothes, and go to sleep.

Funny thing is, I wake up in the morning, and the berthing  is empty!  (In retrospect, looking at this from an outside-the-dream perspective, it occurs to me that it SHOULD have been fucking empty, because the Orlando boot camp has been closed for YEARS now.  Along with the entire base.)  My company went off to go do all the boot-camp-y things without me!  Wtf?  OK, I know from previous experience that company commanders are really, really touchy creatures.  Maybe they're waiting to see if I'll leave the berthing without permission?  So I kick around the berthing for a couple of hours, peruse really really ancient technical magazines about 8-bit computers I owned fifteen years ago, and get really hungry.  Eventually, being not even a tenth as scared of grouchy company commanders as I was the FIRST time I went to boot camp, I decide "fuck this, I'm getting breakfast, I'm starving."  So I head down to the chow hall, and get myself a tray of slop.  (Nobody fucks with me about wandering around boot camp alone, in civilian clothes, with no chits or anything.  Very strange, but not something I decide I really want to bitch about, remembering how people who did that sort of thing got treated the FIRST time I was in boot camp...)

Well, after I've eaten my fine fine Navy breakfast and thrown the slop tray to the boots washing dishes, I wander around boot camp aimlessly.  I wind up by a stream walking by the edge of the woods, and I meet up with a couple of other guys - from my ORIGINAL boot camp company, back in '89 - that also decided to reenlist and showed up last night and the same thing happened to them.  We express our mutual feelings of wtf? and wander around some more, until finally we're accosted by my girlfriend, who is a female lieutenant -but, in the dream, I don't know her.  (But I still wanna get naked with her.)

She asks us if we're "Torches."  Wtf is a "torch?"  It occurs to me that maybe that was the word for the program for returning veterans in boot camp, who I remember don't really HAVE to do the usual boot-ish things (that's NOT the word for it, btw - it's "NAVET" for Navy veterans and "OSVET" for veterans of other services)... but she just won't answer us about wtf a "Torch" is, so we just follow her.  She leads us to this abandoned farmhouse grain tower (we're still in boot camp!), not explaining wtf is going on - and then takes us inside, and up and up and up all these stairs to the "top" room of the grain tower, which is really dilapidated and has all these places where there were secret compartments but somebody found them and broke them open with a crowbar, leaving bigass ripped holes in the floor and the walls... and tells us that we're not going to believe this, and somehow gets us into some secret room above the room we're in.  She then explains how we're all going to be spies, and leads two of us from there into a secret tunnel out of boot camp and into Disneyworld.

Yes, Disneyworld.  Well, wtf, it is also in Orlando, okay...?  So we go down the tunnel, and then the three of us ride a pig (!) down a trail that is absolutely FILLED with little varmints - gophers, squirrels, cats, small dogs, and a simply ASTONISHING number of skunks.  I'm kinda nervous about the skunks, but our pig calmly charges straight for the thickest part of each knot of varmints - rather than trying to go around them (this is a really narrow trail, and there's a really steep grassy cliff to the right and impenetrable woods to the left) - and the varmints, sensibly, get the fuck out of our pig's way.  I remark about how the pig is the perfect animal to ride through all this crap, because a horse would have balked at all those skunks... then we get to the end of the trail, and ride the pig through another farm.  Somehow, from the farm, the trail leads to a really shitty hotel a church youth group I was in twenty years ago stayed in once on a trip, and the lieutenant smuggles me and her onto a plane.

The plane makes a really short flight, and when it lands, she hustles me out of the emergency exit and into another plane via one of the emergency exits.  She tells me this is the plane to where I have to do the spy stuff, and she can't go with me any longer - it's up to me now.  She gives me a big loving hug and a kiss, and runs back to the other plane.  Suddenly, I realize I don't know WHAT I'm supposed to do when my plane gets there!  I mill around the plane nervously, wondering if it's something that I'll just know to do when I get there, but afraid I won't, but also afraid to go after my girlfriend/handling officer because I don't really have a ticket to be on this plane, and although it's still very very early in the morning and they haven't put together the line for normal people to give their tickets and board the plane yet, they will any minute...

Finally, I run out of the plane to go ask my girlfriend/handling officer what I'm supposed to do when I get there, but when I look around for it, the plane we'd arrived on (and she got back on) was nowhere to be found - oh no, it must have taken off!  So, disconsolate and hoping mightily I'd know what the fuck to do when I got there, I went to get back on my new plane... only to discover they'd put up the checkpoint where they took your ticket and the line to get there.   And me with no ticket!  Being a master spy, I began sidling inconspicuously closer and closer to the door to the plane, gauging my chances at slipping in when nobody was looking... and still worrying about what the fuck I was supposed to do once the plane got wherever the hell it was going...

And then I woke up.

This complete waste of time has been
brought to you courtesy of Jimbo's unruly
subconscious mind...  If you'd like to take
a stab at translating it, please feel free.

 

27 April 2000
18:28 Stolen content that ownz me

closet-livin' white-haired black fairy

   

 

 
Hee!  Hee!

What can I say about this, other than the fact that it fucking ownz me?

Oh, right... I suppose I probably should say that monkeys I gleefully stole it from PageOfMisc.  (Oops.  Sorry 'bout that, Butt-Head.  Hrm mm hm hm...)

 

02:52 MP3 of the Week is back!
Tasty, tasty European techno goodness... fuck you with a splintery-ass broomstick, RIAA, you don't get to rape this artist anyway.   Download Star Wash - Strong Like A Lion.mp3 - and do it now!  You'll thank me once you hear it.

On an unrelated note: you may have noticed that during prime time hours, it's often difficult to get the server respond... that's because even though there's bandwidth to spare, bla-bla is getting so many simultaneous uniques that they're actually running out of individual pipes to the servers!  But that's not as much of a problem as it might sound like, because we're not on a single server - the bla-bla webfarm is a cluster of parallel servers, and they're in the process of dumping more server-y goodness into the cluster even as we speak.  So bear with us for a week or two, and in the meantime, just keep clicking 'til the fucker responds - it may take you a few tries to get a response, but you will get good bandwidth once it does.

 

26 April 2000
07:49 Multimedia goodness
I have a couple of tasty little items for you today...

If you're familiar with the infamous bootlegged phone tapes from Apple's tech support department, you don't need to download this.  But if you aren't, this is a real gem... and since I compressed it to MP3, it's only 90K (instead of about 700K like it used to be.)  Think different!

And just because that little Cuban kid got his ass booted back to Castro-land doesn't mean we can't still make fun of him.  Clickity clickity click for the Elian Gonzalez version of the infamous WAZZUP! video... I know, I know.  But this one's particularly entertaining.

Oh yeah, and please email me if you know how to convert Flash movies to AVIs or MPEGs or even (god help us all) MOVs... thanks.

 

25 April 2000
10:39 Pointless story
Heh... yesterday was a truly fucking awful day, spent out-of-town fighting a crusty computer, an even crustier set of bank software (why, oh why, must financial institutions only hire programmers over the age of 50 who haven't learned one fucking thing since the days when they rode their dinosaurs to college?), and a mischievous printer.  Of course, it started pouring fucking rain down the minute I got on the interstate to head 120 miles home... and yes, great, here it is, the Great Rubbernecker Parade at 20MPH past some accident on the side of the road.  Morons.

Hey, but wait!   Is that... yes, yes it is.  An SUV.  On its side like a dead fucking turtle.  Heh heh heh... and there's the little fluffy blonde owner, cuddled up against the State Trooper's car while he takes her information, clearly in shock, shaken, and terrified.  Hey, imagine that, lady - your SUV rolled over...?   Who'd have thought that an SUV would roll in an accident, huh?  And you felt so safe in it!  (Fairly often, I hear people - generally women - who own SUV's talking about how safe they feel in their godawful enormous deathtraps.  Morons.)

Of course, it would be nice if this experience taught her to check the statistics on SUV's... but most likely, as soon as the insurance company pays off, she'll just go buy a bigger SUV so she'll feel more safe.   (Sing it along with me, folks... Canyonero!)

People are idjits.

 

23 April 2000
01:17 Keeping The Faith kicked serious ass
If you're looking for a good movie to see, then go see Keeping The Faith now.  I said now, dammit!

If the name isn't ringing any bells, that's the Edward Norton - Ben Stiller - Jenna Elfman flick in which Norton and Stiller are, respectively, a Catholic priest and a rabbi, both of whom fall in love with Elfman.   The trademark scene from the trailers and ads on TV is the one in which Norton starts choking on the smoke from a censer, sets his robes on fire, and jumps ass-first into the holy water font to put the fire out.

PeeT and I went to see this flick tonight thinking "this is going to be cheesy, it's going to be contrived, but hopefully it will have at least one moment like that that wasn't in the commercials."  Well, we were wrong - this, like all the other Edward Norton movies I've seen recently, turned out to kick serious ass.  There's enough laughing-til-the-tears-come-out comedy in the movie to satisfy anybody, but there's also an incredible amount of thoughtful craftsmanship put into the movie that you just don't ever see anymore.  There really wasn't once in the movie that I was brought jarringly out of immersion with the thought "god, how fucking cheesy can you get...?"  And if that sounds like faint praise to you, you obviously don't realize just how rare that is for me.

OK, I'm not going to gush about this flick any more, and I'm not going to give anything away either - but if you're looking for a hilarious comedy, see this movie.  If you're looking for a thoughtful and meaningful story about relationships, see this movie.  Whatever, just go fucking see it, okay?

And on a completely unrelated note, I really want to see that Jackie Chan flick coming out in May.

 

22 April 2000
12:32 The ogre bitch returns
That's the infamous corpsicle-keepin' ex-coworker of mine, Wynema "Nena" Shumate.  She has now made it to the pages of the inestimable National Enquirer, based on her escapades with a British internet fiance, a year-old corpse, a rusty saw (the Enquirer got it wrong, it wasn't an ax), and a rented (!) freezer.  (Do you think they're gonna rent that thing out again to somebody else?)

Click extra hard to load a scan of the entire article (JPG, 83K)... believe me, it's worth taking a look at.  Not only do you get to hear the whole sordid story, from the naked pictures (thankfully, not included) she mailed to the limey to get him to come over all the way to the corpse in the freezer, but you even get to see a picture of the Brit - and hear what his outraged mum has to say about the whole thing.

Delightful.

Stay tuned for the local redneck pic... scanner problems got me down, but I should still have it up on Monday.

   

 

The would-be AOL bride... in cuffs

                    

20 April 2000
22:24 All quiet on the Western front
On The Prowl mpegs are back up.  Other than that, not a lot going on... just me beatin' motherfuckers down with the crowbar in Kingpin.

I should have a couple of entertaining pics for you tomorrow, assuming the replacement for my broken scanner is copacetic: an entertaining cover from a local redneck magazine, and... remember Wynema Shumate?  The cow-orker of mine that kept home boy's frozen corpse in the freezer for a year?

Well, she made the National Enquirer.   I may or may not scan the whole article tomorrow, it's pretty entertaining... but at the very least, you've got to see the pic they published of ogre-bitch in handcuffs.   Truly frightening stuff.

 

12:11 Jimbo's World: it's back, and it's blinding fast, baby!
Hi guys... welcome to the new server.  Holy shit, is this thing ever fast.  (If you've ever avoided looking at my guestbook because it's just too damn slow... I suggest you make with the clicking and check out what it looks like on a real server.  Woohoo!)  Thank you, thank you, bla-bla.com!  This has been without doubt been the easiest server move I've ever made, and this is also without doubt the very nicest server I've ever had the privilege to host the page on... and the guys that host Jay Stile definitely believe in the first amendment, so no more bullshit censorship worries, either.

Look for addition of a little bit of bla-bla related content over the next few days; I'll be rotating a banner exchange with other bla-bla sites, among other things.  I do have final control over what banners get rotated through the page, however, so if you have a complaint about any one particular banner (for instance, if anything godawful like a strobe effect or a "punch the monkey" shows up), drop me a line, and if it pisses me off as much as it pisses you off I'll make it go away.

Finally, for anybody coming here from badassmofo looking for the On The Prowl mpegs: sorry, the trailers are down right now.  The files are at home, so I won't be able to put 'em up on the new server until later on today or tonight.

 

19 April 2000
10:37 A note for those of you enthralled with that one guy...
All you folks that have been commenting in e-mail and the guestbook about how supa-fly "Jimbo Suave" is need to make very, very sure to click his "friends" link.  But wait!  Entertaining as that is, you're not done yet... keep going.  There's a "next" link, and you do not want to forget to click it.

On a completely unrelated topic, I'm in the process of switching servers as we speak... so if there are a couple of glitches (like the newest posts disappearing temporarily), then bear with me, we'll get it all straightened out.

 

18 April 2000
17:23 I am not a beautiful and unique snowflake

   Jimbo's World **

Jimbo's Small World

 

Link to Jimbo's World?

Jimbo's World

  LEGEND:

Jimbo's World

      "JIMBO'S WORLD" ++

*   Actually worthwhile

Jimbo's World

Jimbo's World?

+   I hope you know Japanese

  Jimbo's World +

Jimbo's Realm

**   particularly amusing (or confusing)

Jimbo.net

Jimbo's Firehouse

             ++   contains so much crap, your browser

   Jimbo's Apartment **

    Jimbo's Attitude Page ++

  may appear to lock up for several

   !jimbo.land! **

  Jimbo's Dating Dilemmas *

  seconds while loading

Jimbo's Font?

   Jimbo.org **

A word of warning: prepare to stomach a lot - an awful lot, and yes I do mean awful - of background MIDIs, embedded wavs, blinding backgrounds, and animated crap of various kinds before you decide to peruse the collection of links above.  And is it just me, or is that one Jimbo apparently pissing in the boat?

Hmm... maybe I am a beautiful and unique snowflake after all.

** UPDATE **  Fothermucker... somebody
registered jimbosworld.com, too.  Great.

 

15 April 2000
22:33 Overheard at la casa del InThrees, while watching "Hackers"
J: "This movie is incredibly gay, PeeT."
3: "Oh, come on, man, you have to look for the humor in it."
J: ::thoughtfully:: "Y'know, PeeT, there's probably a lot of humor to be found in gay porn, too... but that doesn't mean I wanna watch it."

 

Final word on "The Thong Song": props to wrongforum
Wrongforum over at badassmofo wrote to me and laid down the definitive smack on Sisqo's "dumps like a truck" line:
  
   

 

closet-livin' white-haired black fairy

   

 

Thought this might be the final word on the subject. I just read a small interview in TIME with Sisqo, that white-haired fool. They bring up the truck quote, and here is the little back-and-forth.
 
Q:
You compliment a woman by saying she's "got dumps like a truck." Is that line really a good way to woo a woman?
A:  In my crew, we say girls with a nice butt "have dumps." Whenever you see a dump truck, you think of a truck backing up. Everybody likes to see a girl back up.

So there you have it. It's still at the point of utter stupidity. That white-haired black fairy needs to hurry up and quit over-compensating for his homosexual inclinations and just bust his ass outta the closet.

-Jeff, aka wrongforum

 

10:48 Badassmofo "On The Prowl" trailer

Sharkey from badassmofo has promised us - again - that the first full episode of Bolt Boy "on the prowl" in Vegas would be available this weekend.  Is this a sure thing?  Less sure, perhaps, than death or taxes... and speaking of taxes, notice the date?  ::sigh::

At any rate, to tide you over until Sharkey gets episode one up, here's the On The Prowl Trailer in glorious, glorious MPEG quality!  That's right, folks... poor Sharkey's apparently been languishing in wrongforum's evil Macintosh kung-fu grip, because all they had available was QuickTime over there, but not me... I gots the goods.  Hah!  Take that, you evil blueberry boxen!  

Bolt Boy takes one in the kisser    On The Prowl Trailer, 7.94MB    Ridiculously High Quality MPG
On The Prowl Trailer, 2.49MB High Quality MPG
On The Prowl Trailer, 856K Medium Quality MPG

A note for the platform-conscious: even the 856K mpeg is at least as high quality as the 3.4MB
QuickTime file over at badassmofo.  Why the hell does Apple insist on pushing their shitty
proprietary AV format when there's an open standard that's vastly fucking superior?

And by the way, yes that is Bolt Boy taking a feminine left hook to the jaw.  Do you need any better reason to watch the trailer?!

 

My, what lovely cun- um, curtains you have!

   

 

And once again, the lovely Kathleen mails in a picture she took that's dead in between "strangely amusing" and "just fucking strange"... in other words, exactly the kind of shit I'm likely to post.

And y'know, when it comes right down to it, I've seen worse illustrations in medical textbooks.

                    

 

Click here for 07 Apr 2000 Stream

 

 

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