Haunted Ninja Nun Walrus Fuckers - Episode 1 "Introduction"

    A long, straight road reaches into the distance in Death Valley, California.  Bleached by decades of sunlight and covered in sand and dust, it is now barely visible.  At the road's vanishing point on the horizon a cloud of dust appears and begins to grow.  As is gets larger and closer a blur of yellow can be seen in the center, and as the blur draws nearer it emerges through the obscuring heat vapor in the form of a taxi cab.

    The cab pulls off the road in front of a weathered and crumbling adobe and stone mission, the only structure remaining for miles in any direction.  From the back of the cab an athletic blond teenaged boy in a letterman's jacket steps out, reaches back in and comes out once more with a large canvas duffel bag.

Cab Driver: <rolls down window> "This the place?"

    The boy squints up at the old church.  A carved wooden sign over the double doors reads 'Our Lady of the New Frontier'; only 'New Frontier' has been painted over with the words 'Poisoned Shuriken', and several other painted kanji adorn the building's facade.

Boy: <turning back to the cab driver> "Our Lady of the Poisoned Shuriken.  This is definitely the place."

Cab Driver: "Fare is $273.75.  Sure you want me to leave you out here in the desert?"

Boy: <with a smile> "Yep!  It may not look like much, but their brochures say this is one of the top martial arts academies in the U.S.  Here's $300, keep the change."

Cab Driver: "See ya!" <under his breath as he pulls away> "Wouldn't wanna be ya."

    Picking up his bag, the boy approaches the doorway and swings the heavy iron knocker three times.  The door on the left creaks open to reveal a middle-aged Chinese man with thinning hair gathered in a ponytail wearing a powder blue leisure suit.  The suit is freshly pressed but well-worn.  Around his neck the man sports a large gold medallion depicting a naked woman in a seductive pose.

Man: <genially> "Hello!  Welcome to our school!  You are Billy Armstrong?  Our newest student?  The karate champion?  From Massachusetts?"

Billy: "Um... yes, yes, yes, and yes."

Man: "Ah!  Most groovy.  I am Master Dong, the school principal.  Today I will show you the campus and introduce you to your teachers and fellow students.  Please bring your luggage inside and we shall begin."

    Once inside the doorway, Billy's eyes adjust from the harsh desert sunlight to the dimmer interior lighting.  The main room is as wide as the building and slightly longer than wide; with a raised platform at the far end.  All furniture has been removed and the floor is covered entirely with rubber gymnasium mats.  Wooden swords and staffs, practice dummies and exercise equipment line the walls.  Across the room a small Asian girl is pummeling a ragged white man with her fists and feet.  The fight is being overseen by an ancient Japanese man sitting lotus style on the raised platform.  All three wear simple cotton tunics and pants emblazoned with the school name and logo.

Dong: <explaining to Billy as they walk to meet the others> "This room was once the chapel but now serves as our workout area.  Much of your time will be spent here.  Please let me introduce you to Head Master Wang."

    The two move along the perimeter of the room until they reach the upper platform.  Head Master Wang shouts instructions to the fighting pair.

Wang: <angrily, but remaining still> "Matthew!  Defend yourself!  Take your arms away from your face and push her away!  Princess!  Why do you show mercy?  He should be unconscious by now!"

    Wang acknowledges Dong and Billy beside him then turns back to his students.

Wang: "Enough!  Cease your pathetic conflict and join me on the podium."  <standing up, addressing Dong> "This, I assume, is young mister Armstrong?"

Dong: "Yes, newly arrived from Boston.  Can you dig it?"

Wang: <bowing to Billy> "Greetings Mr. Armstrong.  I am Head Master Wang, school owner and founder.  In the coming years I shall instruct you in the superior fighting and thinking methods of the lands to the east." <gesturing towards the other students and farting softly> "Here you see my finest pupil, Princess Bukkake Hentaimoro..."

Princess: <bowing, then winking> "Welcome."

Wang: "...and perennial returnee Matthew Lugar."

Matt: <already doubled over in pain, can only muster a small word> "Hey."

Wang: "Enough!  You will have time to socialize later.  Now I must return to my lessons.  Dong, continue the tour."

    Dong and Billy bow and leave as Princess and Matt assume their combat poses.

Wang:  "Again, FIGHT!"

    Princess immediately connects a right kick to Matt's jaw and he crumples in a heap to the floor.

Wang: <contentedly> "Much better!"

    Dong leads Billy through a door beside the platform and into a short hallway with four doors.  A pounding bass line can be heard from the opposite end.

Dong: "These are the staff quarters.  All instructors live on campus year-round.  Here is Head Master Wang's room and office..."

    Wang's room is sparsely furnished with only a tatami mat, a desk, a chair, a lamp and a filing cabinet.  Behind the desk hangs an intricately detailed sword polished to a gleaming shine.  Dong enters the room across the hall from Wang's.

Dong: <proudly> "... and my swingin' pad..."

    Dong's room looks like a time machine to the 70's.  Thick harvest gold shag rug covers the floor and walls, a mirrored disco ball spins above a round waterbed, and several framed kung-fu movie posters are evenly spaced along the walls.  On the nightstand is an autographed picture of Bruce Lee.

Dong: "...furnished at the peak of western civilization." <pointing at a huge record collection> "Stop by if ever you want to chill out, spin some ABBA and get funky."

    At this point Billy notices Dong is standing just a little too close; he steps away and moves on down the hall.

Dong: <opening a hot pink door coated with glitter> "This room is Master Baytor's."

    Judging solely by the contents of the room, one would conclude that Master Baytor is a ten-year-old girl from a rich family.  Mostly filled by a king size canopy bed with pink satin sheets, lace fringe and several dozen stuffed animals on top, the room contains so much pink that it burns the eyes.  Pink wallpaper, pink carpet and a large pink armoire are set aglow by pink lightbulbs behind pink lampshades.

Dong: "Master Baytor patterned the room after Tori Spelling's.  Lastly is Master Penis's quarters."

    As Dong edges the door open the previously heard pounding bass becoming a painful thundering succession of explosive noise.

Dong: <shouting above the music> "Master Penis!?"

    The music cuts off abruptly.

Penis: "Yo, what up?"

Dong: "The new student is here."

Penis: "Send him in, bitch."

    Acrid crack smoke lingers near the ceiling in a room with bare stone walls.  Penis lounges in a beanbag chair next to the largest stereo ever looted.  An old mattress lays beneath a carpeting of dirty dishes, CDs, empty 40 ouncers and porno mags.  Master Penis stares at Billy through red eyes swollen to mere slits.

Penis: "You the new man?"

Billy: "Yes.  It's a pleasure to meet you Master Penis."

Penis: "Call me Master P.  We all friends here."

Billy: "Okay, Master... P"

Penis: <picks his crack pipe up> "Now get yo Wonder bread ass outta my place so I can gets back to 'meditating'."

    Billy shuts the door quickly before the music has a chance to start up again.  Dong directs him through a sizeable kitchen and out the back door.

    In the shade behind the school lies a large metal shed, a professionally built skateboarding halfpipe and an above-ground swimming pool.  Sounds of splashing can be heard from the pool.  They walk toward it and Billy peers curiously over the edge.  Inside a great mass of brown is slowly circling the bottom.  When it comes back around to him it breaks the surface and throws its flippers over the edge, soaking Billy.

Billy: <backing off, sputtering away the water on his face> "That's a walrus!"

Dong: "Yes."

Billy: "A fucking WALRUS!  What the hell is a walrus doing in the middle of the desert!?"

Dong: "Wally broke out of SeaWorld and is avoiding extradition by hiding here.  He is also a third level sumo student with a minor in computer programming."

Wally: "Gronk!  Reet!"

Billy: <thinking to himself> "This place is nuts!"

    A rickety wooden staircase on the back of the school takes Dong and Billy to the upper floor.

Dong: "On the second level you will find the academic classrooms and student quarters.  Follow me." <entering the first classroom> "This is Master Penis's classroom and office."

    The room is small, containing a few chairs, some Ebonics textbooks, two turntables and a microphone.

Billy: "Where it's at!"

    Crossing the hall to the other room, two women can be seen working at a sewing machine.  One is wearing a nun's habit and is seated at the machine struggling with the collar of a blouse.  Hunched over her is a tall redhead in a frilly pink dress and heels.

Dong: <clears his throat to announce his presence> "Master Baytor?"

Baytor: <sweetly drawling, squeezing the girl's shoulder> "Keep trying, honey.  Back in two shakes!"

    Billy can't help but scope out the action coming his way.  Starting low and working up he sees slender legs, graceful gyrating hips set in motion by a flawless strut, perfectly manicured two-inch pink fingernails, an ample yet perky bosom and a serious case of five o'clock shadow on Baytor's square jaw.

Baytor: "Oohwee!  What a sweet young thing!" <gently rakes Billy's cheek with his long nails, Billy cringes> "Dong, why don't we get more students like this?  So handsome and strong, mmm.  Tasty."

    With his mouth open and lips pulled back Baytor runs the tip of his tongue across the top row of his jagged, impacted teeth.

Dong: <trying not to look> "Ah, yes.  Hmm." <changing the subject> "How is your progress with Kelly?  I see she is sewing on the machine now." <aside to Billy> "Kelly Helner is a disabled student we are trying vigorously to educate.  She is deaf, blind, and possesses no language skills."

Baytor: <continues fondling Billy's chest> "Oh, Kelly.  Poor dear burnt her fingers this morning trying to read the waffle iron; so I thought we'd work on her sewing instead."

Kelly: <bellowing> "Aaaaahurrgh!"

    At the sewing machine Kelly has caught her thumb under the moving needle.  More than a dozen punctures are inflicted before she can pull away.  A powerful spray of blood rapidly paints both the machine and Kelly's body an alarming red.

Dong: "She also suffers from very high blood pressure and hemophilia.  And some other stuff."

Baytor: <brightly> "Looks like I'll be busy for a while.  You boys toodle on!"

    By the time Master Baytor has returned to Kelly the blood has spread over half of the classroom floor and Kelly has passed out with the blouse still sewn to her thumb.  Master Dong sees that Billy has gone pale and is transfixed by this scene.  He grabs Billy's arm and pulls him towards a central area with a dining table and chairs.

Billy: "Is she going to be okay?"

Dong: "Kelly?  Oh yes.  She has survived much worse.  There was an episode when she was chopping carrots that..." <Billy starts to lose color again> "...that we can talk about later.  Chill out, cool cat!  She's fine.  Why don't you sit down?"

    Billy takes a seat at the table while Dong pours two glasses of water.  As Dong busies himself at the fridge, Billy takes a look around.  Around the area are various potted plants, a half-filled bookcase, cabinets, a small sink, a refrigerator, and three doors.  One door is for the bathroom, a second shows part of a bunk bed and a closet overstuffed with women's clothing (the girls room, Billy correctly guesses), and the final door is closed.  This last door is painted (or burned?) a charcoal black and bears an inverted crucifix made of small animal skulls.  Above the door a brightly colored parrot is perched.  The parrot notices Billy's glance.

Parrot: "Howdy there shitfucker!  Pheep!"

Billy: <startled> "Hello.  Pretty bird.  Polly want a cracker?"

Parrot: "Rawk!  Stick it up your ass, queercakes!"

    Billy decides to stop talking to the parrot and returns his attention to Dong, who is now seated next to him.

Dong: "I observe that you have met Bitchface."

Billy: "Bitchface?"

Dong: "Matthew's parrot.  Obtained years ago on a field trip to Mexico and now a permanent resident of the school.  He has shown great promise in both the arts of ninja stealth and in Master Penis's music class."

Bitchface: <demonstrating> "Smack my hos!  Rawk!  Smack them hos 'til they bleed!"

Billy: <astounded> "I see."

Bitchface: "Pimpin'.  Phreep!"

Dong: <reclaiming Billy's attention> "May I inquire as to why you have chosen to join our school in the middle of a term?  For curiosity's sake."

Billy: <looks away, scratches his head> "It's kinda embarrassing."

Dong: "Nonsense, my man!  Many of our pupils have come here for less than honorable reasons.  Matthew, for instance, is the son of a Midwestern Republican senator.  He developed a drug problem and is here both to overcome his addictions and be kept away from the media, so as not to affect his father's image."

Billy: "Well... okay.  It's like this.  I took a girl to the homecoming dance this year and it was our first date.  One of the hottest chicks in school and I put on a real show for her - flowers, French restaurant, limo, the works.  Even managed to score a bottle of J.D. through some college friends.  I hit the bottle pretty hard but she wasn't really drinking.  On the way to take her home we started making out, and I was moving along pretty quick.  First base, second base, hell, I might have even skipped second base on my way to third." <Dong is mesmerized by the story and a thin mist of sweat appears on his brow> "Then she went cold on me, you know?  Backing out of a done deal after everything I gave her.  But I got her dress off anyway and slipped her some hot cock." <Dong takes a sharp breath> "Really laid the pipe right, one of my finest performances.  After that I don't remember much; all of the booze and hard work must have knocked me out."

Dong: "Continue.  Please."

Billy: "Anyway, the next day her parents got with my parents for a talk.  Turns out our little night of romance wasn't  - what was the word the lawyers used? - consensual.  Wasn't consensual.  So part of the deal to keep me out of jail was that I stay away from her from now on, and here I am!"

Dong: "Intriguing!  The stories you students bring never cease to amaze me.  Ah!  It grows late and I must attend to my administrative duties.  The last student you will meet, Edward, is in the room you two will share." <stands, places his hand on the blackened door, and then heads for the stairway down> "Now is your chance to introduce yourself to him.  Later jive turkeys!"

Billy: "Yeah.  See ya."

Bitchface: "Sayonara you disco fuck!"

    Billy sits staring at the door, more than two score empty eye sockets staring back at him.  He is in no hurry to experience the room behind or meet the weirdo who collected all of those skulls.  But he knows the meeting is unavoidable; and with great apprehension he rises from his chair and knocks.

Edward: <flatly> "Enter."

    Using all of the courage he has, Billy opens the door and steps in.  For the second time today he finds himself adjusting to a stark difference in available light.  The room is illuminated only by a few candles.  Most of these candles are on the large black stone slab in front of which Edward is kneeling; they are lighting the large, yellowing, hand-scripted book he is studying.

Edward: <without looking up> "Close the door."

    After Billy shuts the door he can see his surroundings more clearly.  One wall is taken up entirely by Edward's desk/altar, the second by floor-to-ceiling shelves of ancient manuscripts, and the third by a set of bunk beds and a closet, just like the girls' room.  Only Edward has removed the mattress from the bottom bunk and replaced it with a black-lacquered coffin with plush interior padding.

Billy: <tongue-in-cheek> "Top bunk is mine, huh?"

Edward: <still focused on his reading> "Yes."

    Billy tosses his bag up on the bed and realizes that the mattress is very firm, almost like it has never been used.

Billy: "Ed?"

Edward: "Edward."

Billy: "Edward.  I'm just gonna hang some of my clothes up, okay Edward?"

    Edward does not answer.

Billy: <feeling dominant> "Alrighty then."

    Taking off his jacket and extracting the first few articles in his bag, Billy then opens the closet.  It contains no clothing whatsoever, and is completely filled with unlabeled jars and drawers.  With no place to hang his clothes Billy braves one of the drawers, and finding it loaded with cleaned and sorted bones he slides it quickly back into place.  Still holding the knobs of the drawer, he leans closer to the jars.  The contents become clear.

Billy: <in a panicked whisper> "Eyeballs!"

    Before he can turn to run Billy feels a pressure, then a puncturing, on the back of his neck and he can no longer move any muscle below his head.  As he tries to scream a blade passes across his throat, cutting deeply enough to sever his arteries and vocal chords.  The snaking shape of the blade can be felt in four distinct waves of pain, each one smaller than the last.  Edward has begun chanting in an unrecognizable dialect behind him.  Unable to move or speak, Billy simply feels the warmth of his blood as it cascades down his chest until the candlelight flickers into blackness.

    A few minutes later there is another knock on the door.

Edward: "Yes."

Princess: <speaking through the closed door> "There's a lot of blood coming from your room.  I take it you met Billy?"

Edward: "Yes."

Princess: <furiously> "Thanks for sharing, buttwipe!  You didn't even give me a chance at him!"

Edward: "He saw the closet.  It frightened him.  My actions were necessary."

Princess: <resigned to the truth> "Yeah, I guess.  Dibs on his weewee, 'kay?"

Edward: "As always."

The End

Tune in next week for another life-affirming installment of 
"HAUNTED NINJA NUN WALRUS FUCKERS!"