It is a dark and stormy night.

Princess: <stubbornly> "No it isn't."

   It is a bright and sunny day.

Princess: <happy now> "Yay!  That's more like it!"

   Princess Bukkake Hentaimoro sits at the table in the students' common area.  She is reading a copy of this month's Ninjapolitan, specifically an article concerning Ten Easy Ways to Drive Your Man to Commit Seppuku.  The day is sunny and bright.

Princess: "We already covered that."

   Right.  In front of her are empty breakfast dishes with a Hello Kitty motif, a pair of nunchukas, her ebonics textbook and a small bulbous rubber item.  Matt wakes up, tumbles out of the bathtub, snorts a line of coke and joins her at the table.  He looks like crap.

Matt: "You would too if you spent the night passed out in the tub."

Princess: <cheerily and a little too loud> "Morning junkie boy!"

Matt: <susceptible to loud noises> "Agh!  Yeah, morning.  What time is it?"

Princess: "Eight o'clock."

Matt: "Okay, now what day is it?"

Princess: "Tuesday, silly bear!"

Matt: "Wow.  Last I remember it was Friday.  What's this thing?" <picks up the rubber item in front of her> "Aww... little baby's got a pacifier.  Look at me; I'm Princess and I need my binky!" <puts it in his mouth and makes mocking baby sounds> "Goo goo, waaaah!  Widdle ninja girl make stinky pants!"

Princess: <annoyed> "Doy, that's not a pacifier, that's my buttplug!  Yer such a tard."

   Matt quickly makes the connection between her words and the lingering flavor on the buttplug and he forcefully spits it out.  The effort launches him into a horrible coughing fit which in turn causes his nose to start bleeding.

Matt: "Fucking hell *cough cough* cocaine *cough* nosebleed!"

Princess: "Geez.  Tilt your head back and I'll help you."

   Matt obeys, then Princess rises and walks over to him.  She sits down on his lap.

Princess: "Hold still."

   Cradling his head in her hands, she begins to lick away the blood that has dribbled over his mouth.  Once his face is clean, she seals her lips over his nose, leans his head forward and sucks out the rest of the blood from his nasal cavity.

Matt: <disgusted> "You freak!"

Princess: <disoriented> "Ahh.  Hee hee!  Whee!  Colors!"

   The residual powder in Matt's nose, along with the ever-present cocktail of drugs in his bloodstream, is more than the small and usually straightlaced Princess can handle.  She starts running around and screaming.

Princess: "I smell smoke... that comes from a gun... NAMED EXTINCTION!"

   Amidst this chaos, Head Master Wang ascends the back stairs with a scrawny, pale, brown-haired teen boy in tow.  The boy is hauling a large trunk behing him.  They see Princess in her altered state.

Princess: <singing at the top of her lungs> "EVERYBODY WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING!!!  THEM KIDS WAS FAST AS LIGHTNING!!!" <takes a flying kick at the boy's head>

   Wang grabs her in mid-flight by the ankles, holds her upside down and shakes her until she's sobered up.  He then turns to Matt.

Wang: <furious> "Matthew!  You are responsible for her condition?"

Matt: <cringing> "Sorta kinda?"

Wang: <extra furious> "Unacceptable!  My finest pupil ravaged by your illicit substances.  Will you never mature?"

Matt: <staring at the floor> "Sorry Head Master."

Wang: <slightly less furious> "Apology noted.  For your punishment, you must drive to the post office and collect the instructors' weekly delivery of pornography magazines."

Matt: "But... but that's like over two hundred pounds!"

Wang: "Indeed.  Also you must drive to the airport.  Edward is returning from his occult festival today."

Matt: "Yes Head Master."

   As Matt trudges off to his duties, Wang brings the new boy in to the students' area.

Wang: <to Princess> "Allow me to introduce Leon Fredericson.  He comes to our school from Canada and you will be showing him to his quarters."

Princess: "Yes Head Master."

   Wang leaves the pair to themselves.  Leon stands silently while observing his surroundings.

Princess: "Hello?  Earth to Leon?"

Leon: <shyly> "Hi."

Princess: "C'mon, let's put your luggage away.  Over here."

   Inside the boys room, Leon spaces out once again while checking out Edward's frightening sense of decoration.

Leon: <opening his trunk> "Creepy."

Princess: "Yeah, Edward is a real character.  Hey, are those movies?"

   Leon's trunk contains a small amount of clothing, a portable TV, a VCR, a copy of Atlas Shrugged and dozens of video tapes.

Leon: "Uh huh.  Everything I ever learned came from movies.  That's why I want to be a ninja." <sees Edward's coffin in the lower bunk> "Is that a coffin?"

Princess: "It's really comfortable!  Get in and try it."

Leon: "Uh..."

Princess: <pushes him toward it playfully> "Go on!"

   Leon doffs his shoes and climbs in.

Leon: "It is comfortable!"

Princess: <with an evil grin> "Makes you wish you were dead, huh?"

Leon: <scared> "What?!"

   Before he can remove himself from the box, Princess has pounced on top of him and is holding him down by his shoulders.

Princess: "Relax, cutie.  You've never done it in somebody else's grave before?"

Leon: <stuttering> "I.. I.. I.. I.."

Princess: "What's wrong?"

Leon: <looking away from her> "I've never done it - at all."

Princess: <sympathetically> "That's sweet.  But we can fix that."

   With expert dexterity Princess depantses herself and Leon, then starts nibbling at his ears and neck.  Leon lays petrified in fear and wonder.

Princess: "It's not much fun if you don't participate.  There might as well be a corpse in this coffin."

Leon: <can barely speak> "I don't know what to do."

Princess: "Here." <puts his hands up her shirt> "Play with those a little and lay back.  Me love you long time, G.I."

   Leon relaxes while fondling her nipples with his fingertips.  She closes her eyes, begins to grind her crotch against his, and in one fluid motion takes him deep inside of her.  Her knees clamp down on Leon's sides as she gains momentum in her rhythmic motion.

Princess: <moaning> "Ohhhhhh Canada!"

   It ends quickly.  Leon grips the edges of the coffin and arches his back in ecstacy.  Princess never even broke a sweat.  They linger side-by-side afterwards.

Princess: "You like?"

Leon: <warm with contentment> "Yes.  Very much.  I think I'll like it at this school."

   Later that afternoon Master Baytor has Wally and Kelly in his classroom with the door closed.  He is sitting on the front of his desk and is wearing midriff-baring pink angorra sweater, skin-tight jeans and pink pumps.  Kelly and Wally are seated together on a loveseat facing Baytor's desk.

Baytor: <maternally> "The word has been getting around that you two are nowadays something of an... item.  And that's okay!  Only natural.  But the time comes when certain issues need to be addressed - issues of intimacy.  Wally, since Kelly can't hear or see, you'll be doing most of the work."

Wally: "Rokay."

Baytor: <flips on some shmoove lovin' music> "Now Wally, take Kelly's hand in your flipper.  Good.  Lean closer to her.  Kiss her on the cheek." <Kelly blushes> "Now turn her head towards you and kiss her on the mouth.  Excellent!  Try to take off her habit."

   Wally slides down enough to get his flippers under the hem of her sacred robe, and then lifts it off.  Both Wally and Baytor are astounded to see that Kelly has no underwear plus an amazing, almost perfect, body and both become aroused.  Baytor's normally well-concealed man muscle bulges; the swelling strains the fabric of his jeans.  He unbuttons his fly to relieve the pressure.

Baytor: <attempting to compose himself, breathing heavily> "Okay, take a hold of one of her large, luscious breasts."

Wally: <complying> "Urrroooo... rarungas!"

   Skipping ahead of the lesson plan, Wally dives face first between her cleavage.  Baytor can no longer stand the heat and begins touching himself openly.  There is a knock at the door that nobody notices.  Leon enters the room, takes one look at a transvestite jerking off to hot walrus fucking, and blacks out.  His body striking the floor is enough to get the group's attention.

Baytor: <exhausted> "That should be fine for today.  Class dismissed."

   Princess has taken Leon to her bed and stripped away his garments.  With a washcloth and a bucket of cold water she is trying to bring him about.

Leon: <slowly regaining consciousness> "Unhhh."

Princess: "Welcome back."

Leon: <can't help but notice he's naked> "Where are my clothes?"

Princess: "Over there on the floor.  When people faint, you're like supposed to remove all restrictive clothing.  I learned that somewhere."

Leon: "What happened to me?  The last thing I remember is... is... Oh god!"

Princess: "Relax!  That was Master Baytor's sex ed class.  Wally and Kelly started dating last week and he's making sure they know the basics."

Leon: "Doesn't she realize he's a walrus?"

Princess: "No, we told her that he's a misunderstood fat guy who doesn't like to wear clothing."

Leon: <continuing her thought> "With tusks and flippers who lives in the pool out back."

Princess: "She's not very bright.  Slightly retarded actually.  Besides, they're so happy together!  Why fight it?"

Leon: "And sex education is taught by a tranny."

Princess: "Why not?  He is really dedicated to his teaching.  I've learned a lot in his class - wanna see?"

Leon: "Baby, I'm not from Havana!"

Princess: "You've had time to rest.  Let's try something new!" <rolls him over onto his stomach> "Do you know how important your prostate is?"

Leon: <straining his neck to make eye contact> "My wha?"

Princess: <can't believe how stupid this guy is> "Prostate.  It controls your spooge flow and is very sensitive.  I'm afraid to tell you it's only accessible through the 'back door'."

   With the proper education in place, Princess spreads Leon's thighs apart exposing his asshole and schlong.  She wipes him down briefly with the washcloth, lifts his ass up to her face and digs in.  Since he is still woozy from blacking out Leon's sphincter is very loose and Princess is able to drive her tongue deep.

Leon: <startled by this new sensation> "Yah!"

   But Princess is too tongue-tied to talk.  Now that she has a proper rim job going she commences to stroke him off.  Leon experiences the best orgasm of his life.

   Laying in her bed afterwards, Leon opens a conversation.

Leon: "Doesn't it bother you to have sex with someone you barely know?"

Princess: "What's to know?  You're a guy, I'm a woman, the pieces fit so put them together.  Insert tab A into slot B, y'know?"

Leon: "But doesn't sex have meaning for you?"

Princess: "Listen, I grew up in Japan.  Over there sex has so much meaning that the whole damn country is messed up.  Especially for the women - in Japan you are either a wife or a geisha, never both.  Coming to America changed how I think about it.  Anything is possible and should be tried at least once.  Master Dong turned me on to the idea of free love and I've been happy ever since."

Leon: "Master Dong taught you, but you didn't... with him?"

Princess: "Sure."

Leon: "But he's..."

Princess: "In his fifties."

Leon: "And you're..."

Princess: "Thirteen."

Leon: <freaks the fuck out> "Aaah!  I'm going to jail!"

Princess: "Don't worry, the others won't tell.  If you go they all go."

Leon: "All of them?  Everybody?  Even Wally?"

Princess: "You really wanna know?"

Leon: "No!"

   Leon and Princess emerge from her room to find Edward cleaning the meat from a freshly killed vulture on the dining table.

Leon: "Hey, people eat there!"

Princess: "Vulture meat is good, Leon.  We call it 'ugly chicken'.  This is your roommate Edward.  Edward, this is Leon.  He's Canadian."

Edward: <without interrupting his work> "Hello."

Princess: <walking away> "I'll see you later Leon.  I have to go look for Penis."

Leon: <once Princess is out of earshot> "Can't get enough, can she?"

Edward: "No."

   Leon takes a seat at the table as far from Edward's project as possible.  Edward continues cleaning the bird without looking up once.

Leon: "Soooo...  I was checking out some of your stuff in the room."

   This gets Edward's attention.  He sets down his scalpel and fixes Leon in his gaze.  He either has dark eyes or his pupils are fully dialated.  Leon can't tell the difference and it disturbs him.  The dark eyes are in such contrast to Edward's pale skin that he can't stop himself from staring.  Edward says nothing.

Leon: <getting nervous> "Your books!  I, er... was looking at your books.  Are all the books you have about occultism?"

Edward: <back at work> "Yes."

Leon: "And you follow that path?  Animal sacrifice, masochism, praying to demons and whatnot?"

Edward: "Yes."

Leon: "But how can you?  All of that destruction for some arcane superstition that almost nobody believes in.  I'm not trying to judge you here, but worshipping evil is... it's evil!  Why give your life to the forces of hate and destruction?  Why..."

Edward: <interrupting> "I have met my gods.  In person.  You have not.  You will, one day."

   Upon stating this Edward picks up a bone saw encrusted with animal guts and turns to Leon once again.  They are both distracted by Princess and Matt entering the room.

Princess: "Hi guys!"

Leon: <relieved to not be alone with Edward anymore> "Princess!  Find any penis out there?"

Princess: <laughingly> "No, just Matt."

   Everyone but Edward laughs at this.

Matt: <finally gets it> "Hey!"

Princess: "You two seem to be getting along all right.  Edward is a tough nut to crack.  He has a hard time making friends."

Leon: "Really now."

Princess: "Enough about him - tell us more about you, new guy!  Is Canada nice?"

Leon: "Canada is a fucking shithole.  Buncha damn commies, too cold all the time, worthless postal system, and awful products at high prices." <grabs a box of 'Why Pay More' brand crackers from his trunk as a visual example> "Nothing to do but watch movies and drive around." <opens the crackers and starts eating> "You guys want some?"

Princess: "Nah."

Matt: "Hafta pass, thanks dude."

Edward: <silence>

Bitchface: "Fuck you.  That line is so fucking old.  Piss off you wheat farming bastard."

Leon: "Can't blame you; they taste like crap.  Taste worse today than usual.  I hope they haven't gone bad."

   Leon finishes the last few crackers in the box and collapses.  His eyes roll back in his head as all signs of life escape his body.

Princess: "Edward?"

Edward: "Yes."

Princess: "When did you poison those crackers?"

Edward: "You were in your room keeping him busy.  He talked too much.  I've finished with this bird.  Put him on the table."

   As Edward prepares the body for disassembly Wally can be heard struggling up the back steps.  He wallows his way over to the other students, carrying a lump of long brown fur impaled on his tusks.

Princess: "Wally, what have you got there?"

Matt: <quizzically> "It looks like an anorexic buffalo."

Edward: "It is a wildebeest."

Princess: "In California?  That's funny!"

Matt: "It's funny, but it doesn't make any sense."