I meet these people
I talk with them everyday
and if I try hard enough, I can remember the days
when I used to think like them
the days when I used to say those same things
but I never got comfortable with it
I was always unhappy about it
I was always waiting for somebody to tell me
"That's not true."
but when I tell these people that, they look at me like I'm crazy
they really aren't interested
they don't want to hear any more about it
because they're not looking for a way out
they're just looking to fit in
they admit that we all have choice
they admit that none of the mistakes of the past were inevitable
they admit that it all could have been different
but once the future is added into the equation
they won't play ball anymore
none of this matters, because we're all dead
our race is in the spiral and there's no way out
and with all the people who think this way,
I wonder how we will get out
maybe we won't
but I'm not going to let us go down that easy.

I'm inspired by people who impress me
I'm reassured by their confidence and their ability
their pride in themselves instills the same emotion in me
but sometimes I'm inspired by just the opposite
I'm inspired by the ridiculous, insane pettiness of people
the total lack of a sense of self-worth they display
and their clumsy, bludgeoning attempts
to take a few others down with them
which oftentimes succeed
because the others had been just waiting
for an excuse to fall all along
I feel sickened by them
but I'm almost glad of their presence
because when I can't find someone to be proud of
they're all I have left
they're all I have to remind me and to spur me on
it's hard without an example
either from the people who do everything they can
to make the most of their lives
or those with no sense of personal nobility whatsoever
to them pride is just a matter of birthright
which none of us were lucky enough to be born with
but it's not for me to worry about
it's hard enough to keep my own head above water
I can't help everyone
just the one's who are willing
to try to learn how to swim.

A difference
between me and a lot of people I know
is that we may have a similar level of ability
a similar level of talent
but I have a working conception of how to use it
a vision of a world where integrity
and the quality of the product
are what move the world
rather than being the rare exceptions.
integrity is definitely important
for instance, a lot of mainstream bands write very listenable music
but they leave me with a sort of uneasiness
I have to wonder if they would have made it
without all the media bullshit that let them reach me
would I have ever heard of them otherwise?
would they have had the perserverance
to keep plugging away at the medium they supposedly love
long enough for their fan base to reach me?
in a lot of cases, I highly doubt it.
it's not just about the music, it's about the entire package
I'm not looking for good songs, I'm looking for good human beings
and if they happen to write good songs, so much the better
finding an artist I can respect is such an incredibly rare thing
that it makes me glad just to be aware of their existence
there are a lot of independent hip-hop artists
who I think highly of
although I find myself constantly disagreeing with their words
(there are a whole pile of them who just can't shut up
about how fucking brainwashed we all are
which gets pretty goddamn tiresome)
but they're definitely dedicated
gaining their fans one at a time
and occassionally making some incredibly beautiful music
the more I listen to them, the more intollerant I get
of all these artists who don't have enough self-confidence
enough pride in their own ability
or enough certainty in their own potential
to go the road alone
to struggle without the help of a bunch of businessmen
who don't even understand their own product.
of the many industries in this world
the music industry is by far the most ridiculous.
if any other industry tried to function
with such an inaccute understanding
of what they're selling and why people want it
they'd crumble in an instant
but the artists themselves are even worse
because a lot of them don't even understand
that they are the ones who keep the ball rolling
none of it would be possible without them
though in the mainstream music scene, they're becoming more covert
hiding in the background with thinning hair and a keyboard
writing the music for all of the teen-age heart-throb bands in the world
everybody pays attention to the smiling frontmen
but nobody pays any attention to the people in the background
who actually wrote all of these number one hit songs
the singers are essentially ballast
the music industry may have originated this sick premise
but they can't create a mindset in people
they can suggest it, but it's up to each person to embrace it
and that's the part that sickens me
millions of people all over the world
have been more than happy
to broadcast their value system loud and clear
letting everyone know that their favorite band is phony
that their highest ideal is bullshit
these are the people you meet everyday
you can still get along with them
and you can still be their friends, to an extent
but if a record exec were to walk in
offering promises of hollow celebrity
and thousands of worthless fans
you know that they'd take it
while I'd just laugh in their face
because I know we can all do better.

Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with this book
at arms length
because while it may be a fairly accurate mirror of myself
it's not quite a mirror of what I want to be
there's a certain worry to it
a definite uncertainty
I don't want be an angry youth
I want to be a confident one
sometimes I've got that confidence, other times I don't
but I can't fabricate a fake mindset on paper
I have to be experiencing it at the time
as I get older this voice will probably change
as my confidence in myself grows
my words will get easier to read
or more fun to read, at least
that's the plan, anyway
but for now, I'll settle for this compromise
this teeter-totter of some days wondering
exactly who would want to read this book
and other days thinking
that reading it would be the greatest thing in the world
for anybody even remotely similar to me
honesty is extremely important
I want to be an easy patient for any psychologist to analyze
I don't want anyone to see anything in me
that I may be hiding, ignoring or evading
before I see it first
I know it's bound to happen
somebody, who has come farther along than me
will recognize things in me I haven't yet seen
but I'll always try to be on top of it
I'll make sure that any mistakes I might make are honest
and not the result of a simple refusal to see
I want people to be able to agree or disagree with my ideas
without having to second guess what I might be trying
to hide behind them.
it terrifies me to imagine myself, in thirty years,
looking back with confusion and a lack of understanding
on my present self
I want to look back, see the good, see the mistakes
and see the ways that I fixed the mistakes
and integrated everything into who I am now
I want to know that I always did my best
to search every corner and investigate every branch
I want to be proud of my past actions
regardless of my possible past ignorance
I don't ever want to feel alienated by my own life
I want to see it as a progression
a continuous process of growth
and I will.
I'll likely become a different person, in certain respects
but I won't wake up one day
and find myself changed
instead I'll watch myself change
I'll take notes of the things that happen
so that I'll never be confused about what I think and why I think it.
three or four years ago, when I first started high school
I used to write piles of bullshit about how rotten people are
with no conception of them behaving any differently
instead I just assumed that all people were petty and shallow
I wondered about it
and I hated it
but I never saw any real examples of people acting any differently
so I was kind of stuck
but eventually, I did see
I found evidence that people can be more than they commonly are
and I pounced on it
and it felt damn good
because it's what I had been looking for all along
my old writing makes me feel a little uncomfortable now
but it proves, at least, that I didn't give up
I concentrated on the situation
and refused to leave things as they were.
even though I didn't exactly know what I was looking for
I still kept looking
that's why I can still be proud of those days
perhaps my situation might not seem to have changed so much
having gone from "Why do people suck so much?"
to "Why do people suck so much when they could be great?"
but it's a world of difference to me.

I've noticed that phenomenon
of people mysteriously "changing".
in some people's perception of the future
they say things like
"future generations will know more about us than we'd like them to"
or "who knows what future generations will think
of such and such a thing"
implying that, instead of our current global society
growing, changing, expanding, and becoming that future generation
we will instead somehow cease to exist
and the human race will wake up the next day as something else
the first thing that jumps into my mind
is the nuclear armageddon theory
or some similar catastrophe
leading to the near total destruction of our current way of life.
is that the only way people can see something better developing?
most people don't even really think about it
they just spout off these phrases
taking it as general, common knowledge that we all have to go away
before these "future societies" can develop
which pretty much guarantees that any change
will be in spite of them
and not because of.

It's weird for me to meet people who I really like
people who can look after themselves
and who will do things with their lives
people who will search for and will find their own happiness
without needing anyone else to urge them on
or to constantly remind them of why they're here
it surprises me to meet them
because some days I forget that they really exist
once I slip under I assume that everyone else has done the same
but there's always someone, somewhere
living their life in the way that I expect people to live.
infinitely more shocking and hard to accept, though
are the people I meet who believe ridiculous things
such as: we all have devices in our brains
which make us think we're making changes to the world
little pieces of biochemistry
that let us imagine we are capable of altering our environment
while the actual truth is that we can't
the truth is that this is all a giant deception
just one big illusion
nothing really means anything
and everything is ultimately pointless
I don't even know what to say when I meet these people
I watch them say these things
without hesitation, reservation or doubt
just stated as simple, uninteresting fact
none of this means anything
none of this has any point
get used to it
I walk around in a sort of daze for twenty minutes or so
wondering about these people
thinking of the unhappy careers they lead
pondering the mates they live with who they don't really love
looking at the way they spend their free time
watching them as they waste it all
I used to be a little fucked up
I used to wonder what the point of humankind was
I used to think that we didn't fit
I used to think that maybe it'd be better if we weren't around at all
I used to have a lot of the wrong ideas
but never
even in those darkest days of my adolescence
did I ever undermine the very basis of reality
never did I perceive the things I saw and experienced
as anything less than real
I never thought of the world as a fundamentally unknowable place
how does a person become such a coward?
how does someone just let everything drop
and claim that nothing they or anyone else has ever done
has really mattered at all
and nothing they do in the future will matter either
using, as their "proof", the idea that nothing really exists?
and then
once I get past all that
I think of the times they've told me
of the music they like listening to
of the authors they like reading
of the movies they had liked watching
of the things which had impressed them
and I wonder how I can teach them
that the world is not all in their heads
that it is a separate, distinct and real entity
which will continue to exist, with or without them
but no amount of rocks to the back of head can convince them
because if they don't want to know it,
no outside force can make them know it
our minds can travel limitlessly in any direction
which includes the ability to travel down the path of self-destruction
or, even worse, the path of refusing to recognize the self
as even being real at all.

"I just want to be right by them
I just want to be their friend..."

I'm always thinking about aliens
not the normal way that people think about aliens
but as though I were an alien
walking down the street
on a planet I've never been to before
smiling easily and immediately at all the things which impress me
all the things which suggest that life on this planet might be fun
the things which show that the planet's occupants
have more or less figured out their purpose
and are progressing steadily through that process
the process being the pursuit of a state of elevated happiness
people are meant to be happy
not by default or by definition
but by the work that they put toward it
if work doesn't make you happy
then you're doing the wrong kind of work
or so says my alien logic
I keep walking
looking around, seeing things for the first time
piecing them together into a big, impressive picture
until something strikes me wrong
a song playing through a speaker outside a shop
the way people don't look at or greet each other on the street
or the way that most people never show even a hint of a smile
at any point during their entire day
once I notice these things, a layer of distinct unhappiness
begins to take form
and I have to figure out which aspect of the word is superficial
and which one is the base
the happiness
or the unhappiness
but I can't quite do it, because I'm no alien
I'm a part of the mix
and as far as I've figured out, both possibilities are equally viable
happiness or unhappiness
clarity or confusion
I can see things clearly sometimes
more clearly than others seem able to
sometimes for days at a time
sometimes for just a couple of minutes
I try to see that way as often as possible
I take a good, clear look at the world
and see what needs to be fixed
in the world in general and in myself specifically
I've done it enough times
to become extremely certain about certain things
though rather than helping to keep me steady and level
I've found that it causes my emotional state to jump around
far more than it used to
because I've lost almost all my old understanding of certain things
whenever something of mine would get stolen, for example
I'd be angry, but I'd always kind of understand
I always kind of knew that it was bound to happen
and that there was nothing I could really do about it
and I'd remember the times I'd stolen things
all little things, but stolen none the less
and my anger would subside
into a dull, grey frame of mind
but now, it hits me a lot harder
because I've worked through all my old rationalizations
and I can't find any excuse or explanation for certain actions anymore
it paralyzes me with a need to act
a need to do something, to try to fix things
even when nothing can really be done
I get locked in with the anger
no longer able to slip into the grey.
but what I can do, which I couldn't do before
is bounce back to being happy
in one step
all I have to do is find something that I like.
before, I could eat, say, an incredibly tasty sandwich
and say, "bah, so what? it's just a sandwich."
but now I can think about that and just smile
at how great and tasty and wonderful that sandwich was
that must sound incredibly stupid, but it's true
I've seen enough evidence of the greatness of life
I've caught enough glimpses
of the amazing and endless capacity for joy we all have
that it doesn't take too much to remind me of it any more
it's made every chocolate bar more fun to eat
and made the albums I own sound better
except for the few where the people involved
obvious didn't care and just weren't trying
it made those ones worse, almost unlistenable
it's also made me forget things
I used to know how people could look at a beautiful skyline
see an incredible movie, hear an amazing song
or see a genuinely happy, smiling human being
and not be interested
but I can't find those reasons any more
I swear I used to know them
I used to pull them out and exercise them every day
but they're gone now
I might go from happy to sad
happy sad
but I don't get stuck in those greys very much anymore
I used to be in them all the time
just floating through life on a cloud of greyness
letting the current push me wherever it wanted
drawing scowls from all the aliens
who were walking down the street for the first time
that's where most people still are
stuck with their greys
they might not be unhappy
but they sure aren't happy either
so what can I do with them?
I usually get along with them all right
but after a point it just can't go any further
because they'll argue for pointlessness
for the uselessness of life
and for the lack of importance of everything
until they get bored of arguing
and let the stream carry them somewhere else
so I have to change my tune
and fall back on:

I don't give a damn
if you don't like me
'cause I don't like you
'cause you're not like me...

but really, I wish I could make them see it
because they are like me
or at least, they have the capacity to be
not that I want everyone to be like me
but sometimes I think it would be fun, a world of nothing but me
I sure would miss seeing smiling girls, though
and boys too
and people who catch me off guard with their ideas
people who shock me with sudden bouts of cleverness
or unexpected jolts of initiative
sometimes I still miss that
but those people are out there
and I'll find them
once I finally find a person with that capacity to smile
a smile born from an understanding of the world and of themselves
a smile of confidence and certainty and happiness
I know that I'll be able to meet them there
I'll finally have a chance to pull out my own smile
for someone who'll recognize its full meaning
but until then I'll be content just to smile to myself
because it beats the hell out of trying to maintain a positive disposition
around someone who only wants to wilt your happiness
which most people do without even realizing it
maybe they've never realized anything important
in their entire lives.

"find the GWAR reference for cash and prizes"

I was just reading back through some of the stuff I've written
every time I talk about humankind's limitless potential
every time I mention the perfection of our minds
I bet someone out there is going to snort
they're going to sigh at my tiresome sermones
the same way that I do
whenever I read about our lack of potential
or our inherent flaws
because to some people, that's the game
that's how it works and that's how they want it
after all, there's no sense in responsibility
there's no sense in attempting to make something of your life
if you're already dead
yeah, don't they fucking wish...
all the lazy and useless of the world
self made men and women, every one of them
I was watching a show on MuchMusic today
debating whether or not it was a good idea
to air a particular Marilyn Manson video
due to the fact that it may influence teens to commite suicide.
there were of course the standard couple of wackos
(one of whom was a christian, coincidentally enough)
who said Ban it!
get rid of it!
we could never muster up the ability to create something ourselves
so what do we care if we tear down somebody else?
think of the children!
thankfully, there were also the few
who told the rest to fuck off
pointing out that it's just a stupid video
and any kid with a brain would recognize it as such
battling against the unspoken message that teenagers have no brains
and that they need to be protected from their own refusal to think.
at one point they showed a quick interview clip
with some young woman on the street
who said that she was "very influenced by visuals"
and that if she were to see a video which depicted suicide positively
(such as the Marilyn Manson video supposedly did)
she didn't know what she would do
she... she just didn't know
my brother and I exchanged incredulous looks and laughed
at that woman's almost spoken message
which was that she just might kill herself
she just might throw herself in front of a subway
because of something she saw on tv
why doesn't she just scoop out her brain right now
and toss it in a fucking garbage can
I mean, jesus
I have no tolorance for people like that
if she did kill herself I'd do a little dance
I'd point it out to all her friends
just to see how many of them would be "visually influenced" by it
to the point where they'd follow her onto the track
this is not a lack of compassion
for me, compassion is only possible
when some outside influence ruins a person
if a person ruins themself, I can't feel bad
watching a music video is not a significant outside influence
in fact, nothing short of a gun in your face
is a significant outside influence
the world cannot kill you
other individuals can kill you
forces of nature can kill you
but the world as a whole can't touch you
it's you who decides
what stays in your value system
and what gets tossed out
when people kill themselves, they really do just that
they kill themselves
they'd already been doing it for years
the actual act being only the final dot
at the end of a story they'd been writing their whole lives
you can try to help them
you can try to reach them
but in the end, it's no one else's fault
I don't mean to focus this entirely on people who've commited suicide
because millions of others play out the exact same storyline
but without that final point.
the living dead are all around you
and if you find one who you think you can save
I truly wish you the best of luck
because humankind needs every head it can get
but if you can't, don't feel sorry for them
they've chosen their own path in life
and in the end, that's what everyone has to do
right from the start, that's what everyone has to do
I'm not trying to convince anyone, I'm just identifying a truth
there is no escape from the responsibility
of having to live your own life.

I've had this feeling that I belong on the earth, and that I'm worthwhile, and that my life is important, and it feels crazy. I feel like I must be insane to feel that way, because it's completely incompatible with this world, and nobody else seems to feel that way at all. Eventually it goes away, and it isn't until it comes back that I realize how long it's been gone, but I knew about it the whole time. I knew it was there, but I couldn't get to it.

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