Welcome to the Nov 1-15 1999 archive of Stream - you can click the planet to the left to get back to Jimbo's World if you're lost.


   STREAM OF urine
   This is the part of the site where I don't have to screw about with formatting, or layouts, or anything else.  I just bang on the keyboard like a diseased monkey, and *poof* - instant content!  Guess what part of the site's most likely to get updated on a regular basis?  Right.   
15 November 1999
23:27 Now I see how they get away with it
Hahahaha, I could get away with murder if I felt like it...

If you didn't already catch it, go scroll down to the yogurt post.  Look at the last line.  Look close.   Are you horny yet? /laugh.gif (135 bytes)


21:40 Props to a badassmofo named wrongforum
Thanks for turning me on to Mos Def, man... that album is phat.  I can't quit playing New World Water and Know This. (Fuck the Empire, I strike the Empire back!)

As for all the rest of you foolios, if you wanna pick up the current MP3 of the Week (Just Like You Imagined, from the new Nine Inch Nails CD), you better hurry it the hell up - because something tasty from Mos Def will be knockin' it out the box in the next day or three.


18:17 Must... consume... foul... goo...!
Laura wrote a little something something in my guestbook today...

Mmm. Yogurt. Someone needs to write about yogurt, damnit... you'd think something laced with bacteria wouldn't taste quite so good.

I have to agree with you there - not necessarily about the need to write about yogurt, but just the whole "this should really be a lot ickier than it is" concept.  I personally have been utterly unable to comprehend why all those commercials for "go-gurt" keep making me want to go buy some.

I mean, it's this tube, and when you squeeze it, thick, oddly colored gunk comes out of the end.  Which, of course, sounds like nothing quite so much as Preparation H, or some other substance with properties both medicinal and, somehow, evil.

And I want to eat this stuff?   Jesus.  There have got to be messages involved in that advertising campaign...


14 November 1999
16:29 Quasi-Buddhist Philosophical Meanderings
Every form of life on this planet is threatened by violence from every side on a daily basis - rabbits have to run from foxes and hawks, foxes have to run from wolves, hawks have to run from bigger raptors who want the same territory... whales have to worry about sharks, sharks have to worry about dolphins and vice versa... it's an endless cycle of daily violence.

Except - for the first time in four billion years, there has emerged a species so fucking powerful that avoiding that species has actually become an instinctual survival mechanism in everything else on the planet.  That's right - homo sapiens, aka you and me.  We're the only bunch of critters as far as the eye can see that don't have to fight for our lives, every single day.

And what the hell do we do with this - literally singular - opportunity?  We choose to live largely as we did when we were just a bunch of weak-skinned, small-toothed, helpless simians.  Yeah, that's right.  We may have our air-conditioned houses, our powerful cars, even sophisticated electronics and the occasional space-going vessel - but as far as living a life immersed in violence, nothing has really changed.

In the absence of natural enemies, we attack ourselves.

And this isn't some late-night Sally Struthers squeaky-voiced infomercial, either - I'm not talking about military action in the Balkans, or starving children in some benighted chunk of Africa, or even the plight of the homeless on American streets.  I'm talking about us.  Yeah.   You and me.  The "enlightened" bourgeousie of the most advanced societies the world has ever seen.  The productive ones.

We pick on people weaker than us.  We pick fights with people stronger than we are, to prove our mettle.  We abuse others - mentally, emotionally, and physically.  We get into arguments instead of debates - you know the ones I'm talking about.  The ones in which each side goes into verbal battle, determined to prove themselves on the side of right, no matter the cost - even if it turns out that they're wrong.

And we all do this.  Whoever you are, reading this, thinking "oh no I don't" - yes, I'm talking about you.   It's funny; sometimes I've been mildly horrified at comments people have left in my guestbook about other people who have been there.  Some of our little community has made fun of that guy that does "Icedmarkland" - which I thought was in poor taste; perhaps the guy's page isn't all that interesting, but he tried.  He's a person.  And one post per guestbook isn't exactly "spamming", you know?   So why attack him?  The same goes for a more recent candidate, Stuart The Web Maniac.  Sure, he's a bit odd.  But he seems like he means well, and certainly he hasn't attacked or made a nuisance of himself to any of us.  So why is Philbin calling him a n3tp1mp?

Which led me to wondering what the difference between Stuart and Mahir really was.  How could I be mildly shocked at Phil making fun of Stewart, when I myself made fun of people like Mahir and the Jesus Rocks guy?  I did figure out the answer - in my own twisted little head, Mahir and Seņor "Jesus Rocks" weren't real - whereas, since Stuart himself had "spoken" to me, after a fashion, by leaving a message in my guestbook - and better yet, one which made it clear that he had listened to what I was "saying" on my own page - Stuart was "real."

Of course, Mahir and "SJR" are most certainly real themselves.  And in the final analysis, I can't say I'm any better than the rest of us hairless apes - we all, in our own ways, find ways to make other people "not real" so that we can attack them with impunity.  It just shocks me, sometimes, how easily we make that transition from "real" to "not real".   How little internal obfuscation we have to employ to make a designated target "not count."

And even the do-gooders of the world seem to miss the point - have you ever noticed how the people who abhor racism insist that "we're all the same"...?  The intent, of course, is to draw all the races inside that imaginary circle of "real people" - to pretend that everyone is "just like us" in order to make them "real" and therefore protect them from the savagery with which human groups tend to attack "outsiders".  But that effort is doomed to failure - because it is quite obvious that yes, Virginia, there really are such things as racial differences.  Instead of attempting to pretend that we're all inside a narrow circle of "reality", we should be attempting to expand the circle

::sigh:: Well, there's my rant for the day.  And it won't change anything, in the end - humanity will go blunderingly, aggressively forth as always, attacking everything that doesn't smell like it.  And, in all likelihood, before long I'll have managed to forget the distaste for our narrow quasi-tribal aggressions that I'm feeling now, and there'll be another n3tp1mp gracing the pages here.  But for now, I'm feeling philosophical.


11 November 1999
22:54 So Tracie thinks she can just blow me off, eh?
Wanna up the ante, Tracie? /wink.gif (135 bytes)   
I *told* you not to mouseover the bird...!

don't mouseover the bird!
(mouseover here to resurrect)

This is not, of course, really Kiki.
This fact can be easily demonstrated
by observing that I do, in fact, remain in
possession of both of my testicles - which
would clearly not be the case if I had
actually stolen Tracie's cockatiel.


Bizarre search strings for the day
"Bob Barker girls with swimsuits" at google.netscape.com
"my baby dress" at google.netscape.com
"r33t" at yahoo.com

Interestingly enough, I actually came in just above R33T.org itself on that search for r33t at Yahoo - which just goes to prove, once again, that Yahoo is the only search engine completely maintained under the influence of yellow crack.

But I'm not complaining about the free hits, either.  /wink.gif (135 bytes)


10 November 1999
23:27 This one was just too good not to share
r33t haiku:
So tasty, yet vile
Your sister is wild in bed
I guess I'll give in


08:12 Heh heh heh
Chickenhead's banners can be pretty entertaining sometimes.

podiaphile.gif (6949 bytes)


00:25 Good clean Christian family fun
You guys have got to go check out the guestbook at the Christian BDSM (Bondage&Discipline/SadoMasochism) website...!

Yes, that's for real.  A bunch of dungeonmasters in leather tights wielding flyswatters at squealing chicks that they've tied to the cold water tap in the kitchen sink... and they're Christians.  Not just any Christians, but let's-make-a-point-about-this Christians.

i just happened upon your site..have to say i was rather pleased indeed..is good to see that cristian beliefs are not persay contradictory to D/s relationships(loving/trusting relationships). already i placed a advertisemnt & look foward to posibly finding my special someone.. traditional over the knee spankings & corporal punishment spoken openly with religious ways..is a great site indeed..others need to know & see this site..good luck in it's continued success may GOD be with you all Sincerly Bob
Bob <stern_disciplarian@usa.net>
L.I., ny USA - Thursday, September 30, 1999 at 20:07:04 (EDT)

You have got to love the keywords for the site...

<meta name="keywords" content="Christian, bdsm, D/s, husband, wife, wives, concubines, Bible, Scripture, submission, submit, Dominate, Domination, sex, sexual, flogger, floggers, crop, handcuffs, bondage, rope, spank, discipline, paddle, cat, whip, gag">

Oh, and there's a chat room, too.  /wink.gif (135 bytes)


09 November 1999
22:22 Those catholic school girls are bad
...even after they grow up to be nuns themselves.  According to the Chicago Sun-Times, A 66 year old catholic nun who had been working as a staff chaplain at Provena St. Joseph Hospital and Medical Center in Chicago, Illinois was convicted of scrawling racist graffiti in the bathroom last Thursday.  The hospital, of course, fired her - so where do you think she'll wind up...?  Uh huh.  If she doesn't actually work at a Catholic all-girls-school within the year, she'll at the least be in another Aerosmith video "disciplining" Alicia Silverstone with a paddle.

No, wait, that was this one dream I had.  So she'll probably start teaching at an actual school after all. /laugh.gif (135 bytes)


08 November 1999
23:48 "Heartburn, my ass," she said
The standard naked-hoochy-genitalia warning applies here. 


02:53 A friendly note concerning The Ominous Main Page
jaggetsit.gif (26490 bytes)     UPDATE, OR

I love you Tracie. /laugh.gif (135 bytes)


01:34 Updateology
Guess what time it is, boys and girls?  That's right, it's MP3 of the Week time.  Today's tastiness is from the new Nine Inch Nails album - the Left side to be specific; it's Just Like You Imagined - a badass ambient track.  Enjoy - and be on the lookout for Pilgrimage, from the same album, sometime soon.

(Oh yeah - as always, rename the file to .mp3 after you download it. /wink.gif (135 bytes))


07 November 1999
04:27 Holy bats, shitman!
Foaming At The Mouth has a new layout now.  And all I can say is dizzamn!  Of course, there's unfortunately not an actual update to go with that truly mad phat new layout... but still.  It's worth going and taking a look-see just to ask yourself... why is this man telling me to go compliment Jimbo's coding skillz...?

::sniff:: ::sniff::  You smell that?  Smells like a Jimbo's World redesign in the works... /laugh.gif (135 bytes)


06 November 1999
17:33 An explanation of perplexing phenomena
In the course of a conversation with Professor Stoner today, I made the mistake of bitching about the stupidity of all the Mariah comments in Jen's guestbook.  The professor was intrigued, and as a result, he decided to answer a question of his own:

Why do all those idiots wind up at Jen's page - and why do they think she's Mariah Carey?

If you don't know or read Jen, then you probably don't give a rat's ass.  But if you do - or, for that matter, if you were looking for Mariah Carey and aren't quite sure how you got here - then go get your read on.


02:30 The first rule about Fight Club is...
Go see Fight Club!   Hot diggity damn, that was one hell of a movie.  Umm, if you haven't seen it yet - you don't know what the fuck that movie is all about.  Really.   The trailers make it look like just another Bloodsport-ish fight flick - um, it not only isn't "just another" Bloodsport-ish flick, it ain't like that at all.  The movie has more in common with Falling Down than it does any other flick I can think of off the top of my head... but it's still very, very different from that too.

Cryptic comment #1: If Trent Reznor produced movies, he'd probably have produced this one.  Are you a NIN fan?  If not, this will mean nothing to you - but if you've ever listened to Trent Reznor's brilliantly twisted lyrics and been deeply, disturbingly struck by the profound rightness of what he's got to say - concurrent with being horrified at how wrong it is at the same time - then imagine having that feeling about a movie.  Twisted.   Profound.  Disturbing.  Yet strangely true...   Fight Club is all these things and more.  (Though you will need to be prepared for one token shot of Hollywoodish bullshit overdone catastrophe-happening-right-next-to-the-main-character-who-is-oddly-unaffected thing at the end.  SUCK!  Why, oh WHY, does Hollywood always feel compelled to do things like show 1,500 degree fireballs with expanding clouds of flame literally INCHES from the fleeing star's back... and, oddly, said star is never even so much as *singed* by virtue of being only inches away from a 1,500 degree heat source?  BAH!)


Unsolicited Commercial Email
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Tired of bullshit like this showing up in your mailbox?  God knows I am.  Well, the bad news is... you're still going to get that crap.  No matter what.  Sorry.   But the good news is, even if you're not an IP trace wizard like yours truly, you can track down the offenders and get their account nuked with the click of a button.

Go visit SpamCop and bust those motherfuckers.  If you're feeling particularly tired of seeing the spam, you can even pay a reasonable fee for an email address that will be completely spam-free... because SpamCop will make it that way for you, with little or no intervention on your part.  This is a kickin' service, peeps... and the more of us respond immediately to spam with complaints to the admins of the spammer's domain, the quicker we can kill all those little punks.


I think I've found my new sports pastime
Would somebody go get me a ferret and five pounds of Band-Aids?  K THX BBL.


Friday has been officially declared a success
Due to the facts that:
  • I saw a thoroughly kickass movie
  • I have all the ammunition I need to do something truly vile to those bastards who aren't supporting that box we're paying them $500/month to support
  • I got a firm promise of a four-day weekend in recompense for the lack of a weekend I will be experiencing Saturday and Sunday
  • I have been referred to as a "sexy piece of man-candy" by a nubile young female

In the immortal words of Ice Cube, I guess it was a good day.  /wink.gif (135 bytes)


05 November 1999
06:25 Non sequiturs (sequiturae?)
If Tina doesn't update her page soon, I'm going to change her link to read That Cracker's Lazy.  And if Tracie doesn't update soon, I'll... I'll... well, I'll whine petulantly and post some really silly shit on my own site.  Hey, wait, I was planning on doing that anyway...!

There is a rather high-browed intellectual discussion of the problems of modern American society and government; specifically the evils inherent in our current two-party system, the ideals of libertarianism, and the flaws in our culture and populace which allow the current ludicrous political climate to not only maintain a status quo but downright flourish... and that discussion is on the forum over at R33T.org.   Wtf?!

I am not a Unix admin.  I AM NOT A UNIX ADMIN!  So why, oh why, do I keep having to support a fucking Unix-based predictive dialer, when we are paying the vendor who sold us the piece of shit $500 per month in hardware and software support?  What is that, protection money or something? 

Pay us the money, chump, or we send Guido in with the biggest fucking magnet you ever saw.

No, no, I'm not bitter... I like working 12-hour days for no extra money.   On machines that aren't mine and I wouldn't want to claim, set up in odd bastardish ways with oldskool crusty OSes that I would never use.  Really.  And I like dealing with the supercilious, sloppy, biscuit-eating technicians who mangle them even better.

People from my j0b have discovered this page.  What a suck.   Boy am I glad I've always been rather reticent to say much about work on here... looks like that is gonna be one seriously bullish trend...  (Hi Steve.) 


04 November 1999
05:00 By popular demand...
I did, in fact, insert a reference image in the post about the Ergonomic Ass Keyboard below.  Mouseover the detail pic if you a. wanna see it, and b. don't mind naked hoochy genitalia.  I find it to be a rather entertaining mouseover effect, personally.

Also by popular demand, the ever-popular BannaKilla™ code - and instructions on its use - are now available at The Ask Professor Stoner Column.   Got free webspace?  Got pop-up ads infesting it?  Want the little vermin dead?   Then go get some!


03 November 1999
22:11 Professor Stoner drops HTML science on your ass
Alyssa fed my ego awhile back by referring to me as "the king of HTML" - and the Professor got so jealous of the attention that his poor ego hasn't been the same ever since.  He's so intent on proving that he knows as much about HTML as he does about THC that he did a special feature tonight, entitled How To Index Images Like A Crack-Smoking Pr0n Webmaster.

If you think you could use a few tips about tables and images and HREFs (oh my!), then you know what time it is - It's Professor Stoner Time.

On a completely unrelated note... Alyssa, you look so much like my ex-wife
that it almost frightens me.  Not that that's your fault or anything, but, you know.
It just kinda freaks me out a little.  Oh well, I think it's time for my shot again... 


13:16 A non-update
Banished October's posts to the archives; not a whole hell of a lot else goin' on.  If I keep updating as much as I have been, I should probably start splitting the page twice a month instead of just once, I suppose.  But DAMN it's a pain in the ass!  I need to find a better way of getting the archiving done, I think.

Well, back to work... it's busy as HELL around here.  Nah, the hell with that, lemme share some goofiness with ya first.


Just what I always wanted... an Ergonomic Ass Keyboard!
(props go out to Dan's Data for the original review and the pix.)

ergoassboard160.gif (10442 bytes)

I laughed my ass off when I saw this thing... take a close
look and tell me that you don't see the same thing I see
when I look at the detail pic of this beast...

... and don't make me provide a "reference image".

reference.gif (15025 bytes)

   note: reference pic now available
by mouseover due to popular demand!

02 November 1999
02:01 A couple of quick notes
I updated the October 30th n3tp1mp's layout a bit, because I discovered those of you who are trapped in 640x480 were lucky enough not to be able to see him in anything VAGUELY like his complete... uh... (what's an antonym for "glory?")  At any rate, click the p1mp (or just click here) if you want to load him in a new window.

I also updated the "Quote of the [insert indeterminate period of time here]"... the c00kie cr00k has her own page now, so go visit.   If you don't know Kelly already, you can expect more hazing of information about her to show up here in the next couple of days.  Actually, you can feel free to expect it even if you do know her.  How 'bout them apples, huh?

Oh yeah, and finally on the "minor update" front, I added some reader feedback to the latest answer over in the Ask Professor Stoner Column.

Random Observation: the correct size socket for use as an impromptu bowl is 3/4".  Or whatever the hell the metric equivalent is.  At least, that's what I'm told... heh. 





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