If you didn't already catch it, go scroll down to the yogurt post.  Look at the last line.  Look close.   Are you horny yet?

As for all the rest of you foolios, if you wanna pick up the current MP3 of the Week (Just Like You Imagined, from the new Nine Inch Nails CD), you better hurry it the hell up - because something tasty from Mos Def will be knockin' it out the box in the next day or three.

I have to agree with you there - not necessarily about the need to write about yogurt, but just the whole "this should really be a lot ickier than it is" concept.  I personally have been utterly unable to comprehend why all those commercials for "go-gurt" keep making me want to go buy some.

I mean, it's this tube, and when you squeeze it, thick, oddly colored gunk comes out of the end.  Which, of course, sounds like nothing quite so much as Preparation H, or some other substance with properties both medicinal and, somehow, evil.

And I want to eat this stuff?   Jesus.  There have got to be messages involved in that advertising campaign...

Except - for the first time in four billion years, there has emerged a species so fucking powerful that avoiding that species has actually become an instinctual survival mechanism in everything else on the planet.  That's right - homo sapiens, aka you and me.  We're the only bunch of critters as far as the eye can see that don't have to fight for our lives, every single day.

And what the hell do we do with this - literally singular - opportunity?  We choose to live largely as we did when we were just a bunch of weak-skinned, small-toothed, helpless simians.  Yeah, that's right.  We may have our air-conditioned houses, our powerful cars, even sophisticated electronics and the occasional space-going vessel - but as far as living a life immersed in violence, nothing has really changed.

In the absence of natural enemies, we attack ourselves.

And this isn't some late-night Sally Struthers squeaky-voiced infomercial, either - I'm not talking about military action in the Balkans, or starving children in some benighted chunk of Africa, or even the plight of the homeless on American streets.  I'm talking about us.  Yeah.   You and me.  The "enlightened" bourgeousie of the most advanced societies the world has ever seen.  The productive ones.

We pick on people weaker than us.  We pick fights with people stronger than we are, to prove our mettle.  We abuse others - mentally, emotionally, and physically.  We get into arguments instead of debates - you know the ones I'm talking about.  The ones in which each side goes into verbal battle, determined to prove themselves on the side of right, no matter the cost - even if it turns out that they're wrong.

And we all do this.  Whoever you are, reading this, thinking "oh no I don't" - yes, I'm talking about you.   It's funny; sometimes I've been mildly horrified at comments people have left in my guestbook about other people who have been there.  Some of our little community has made fun of that guy that does "Icedmarkland" - which I thought was in poor taste; perhaps the guy's page isn't all that interesting, but he tried.  He's a person.  And one post per guestbook isn't exactly "spamming", you know?   So why attack him?  The same goes for a more recent candidate, Stuart The Web Maniac.  Sure, he's a bit odd.  But he seems like he means well, and certainly he hasn't attacked or made a nuisance of himself to any of us.  So why is Philbin calling him a n3tp1mp?

Which led me to wondering what the difference between Stuart and Mahir really was.  How could I be mildly shocked at Phil making fun of Stewart, when I myself made fun of people like Mahir and the Jesus Rocks guy?  I did figure out the answer - in my own twisted little head, Mahir and Seņor "Jesus Rocks" weren't real - whereas, since Stuart himself had "spoken" to me, after a fashion, by leaving a message in my guestbook - and better yet, one which made it clear that he had listened to what I was "saying" on my own page - Stuart was "real."

Of course, Mahir and "SJR" are most certainly real themselves.  And in the final analysis, I can't say I'm any better than the rest of us hairless apes - we all, in our own ways, find ways to make other people "not real" so that we can attack them with impunity.  It just shocks me, sometimes, how easily we make that transition from "real" to "not real".   How little internal obfuscation we have to employ to make a designated target "not count."

And even the do-gooders of the world seem to miss the point - have you ever noticed how the people who abhor racism insist that "we're all the same"...?  The intent, of course, is to draw all the races inside that imaginary circle of "real people" - to pretend that everyone is "just like us" in order to make them "real" and therefore protect them from the savagery with which human groups tend to attack "outsiders".  But that effort is doomed to failure - because it is quite obvious that yes, Virginia, there really are such things as racial differences.  Instead of attempting to pretend that we're all inside a narrow circle of "reality", we should be attempting to expand the circle. 

::sigh:: Well, there's my rant for the day.  And it won't change anything, in the end - humanity will go blunderingly, aggressively forth as always, attacking everything that doesn't smell like it.  And, in all likelihood, before long I'll have managed to forget the distaste for our narrow quasi-tribal aggressions that I'm feeling now, and there'll be another n3tp1mp gracing the pages here.  But for now, I'm feeling philosophical.

Interestingly enough, I actually came in just above R33T.org itself on that search for r33t at Yahoo - which just goes to prove, once again, that Yahoo is the only search engine completely maintained under the influence of yellow crack.

But I'm not complaining about the free hits, either. 

Yes, that's for real.  A bunch of dungeonmasters in leather tights wielding flyswatters at squealing chicks that they've tied to the cold water tap in the kitchen sink... and they're Christians.  Not just any Christians, but let's-make-a-point-about-this Christians.

You have got to love the keywords for the site...

Oh, and there's a chat room, too. 

No, wait, that was this one dream I had.  So she'll probably start teaching at an actual school after all.

(Oh yeah - as always, rename the file to .mp3 after you download it. )

::sniff:: ::sniff::  You smell that?  Smells like a Jimbo's World redesign in the works...

Why do all those idiots wind up at Jen's page - and why do they think she's Mariah Carey?

If you don't know or read Jen, then you probably don't give a rat's ass.  But if you do - or, for that matter, if you were looking for Mariah Carey and aren't quite sure how you got here - then go get your read on.

Cryptic comment #1: If Trent Reznor produced movies, he'd probably have produced this one.  Are you a NIN fan?  If not, this will mean nothing to you - but if you've ever listened to Trent Reznor's brilliantly twisted lyrics and been deeply, disturbingly struck by the profound rightness of what he's got to say - concurrent with being horrified at how wrong it is at the same time - then imagine having that feeling about a movie.  Twisted.   Profound.  Disturbing.  Yet strangely true...   Fight Club is all these things and more.  (Though you will need to be prepared for one token shot of Hollywoodish bullshit overdone catastrophe-happening-right-next-to-the-main-character-who-is-oddly-unaffected thing at the end.  SUCK!  Why, oh WHY, does Hollywood always feel compelled to do things like show 1,500 degree fireballs with expanding clouds of flame literally INCHES from the fleeing star's back... and, oddly, said star is never even so much as *singed* by virtue of being only inches away from a 1,500 degree heat source?  BAH!)

Go visit SpamCop and bust those motherfuckers.  If you're feeling particularly tired of seeing the spam, you can even pay a reasonable fee for an email address that will be completely spam-free... because SpamCop will make it that way for you, with little or no intervention on your part.  This is a kickin' service, peeps... and the more of us respond immediately to spam with complaints to the admins of the spammer's domain, the quicker we can kill all those little punks.

• I saw a thoroughly kickass movie
• I have all the ammunition I need to do something truly vile to those bastards who aren't supporting that box we're paying them $500/month to support
• I got a firm promise of a four-day weekend in recompense for the lack of a weekend I will be experiencing Saturday and Sunday
• I have been referred to as a "sexy piece of man-candy" by a nubile young female

In the immortal words of Ice Cube, I guess it was a good day. 

There is a rather high-browed intellectual discussion of the problems of modern American society and government; specifically the evils inherent in our current two-party system, the ideals of libertarianism, and the flaws in our culture and populace which allow the current ludicrous political climate to not only maintain a status quo but downright flourish... and that discussion is on the forum over at R33T.org.   Wtf?!

I am not a Unix admin.  I AM NOT A UNIX ADMIN!  So why, oh why, do I keep having to support a fucking Unix-based predictive dialer, when we are paying the vendor who sold us the piece of shit $500 per month in hardware and software support?  What is that, protection money or something? 

Pay us the money, chump, or we send Guido in with the biggest fucking magnet you ever saw.

No, no, I'm not bitter... I like working 12-hour days for no extra money.   On machines that aren't mine and I wouldn't want to claim, set up in odd bastardish ways with oldskool crusty OSes that I would never use.  Really.  And I like dealing with the supercilious, sloppy, biscuit-eating technicians who mangle them even better.

People from my j0b have discovered this page.  What a suck.   Boy am I glad I've always been rather reticent to say much about work on here... looks like that is gonna be one seriously bullish trend...  (Hi Steve.) 

Also by popular demand, the ever-popular BannaKilla™ code - and instructions on its use - are now available at The Ask Professor Stoner Column.   Got free webspace?  Got pop-up ads infesting it?  Want the little vermin dead?   Then go get some!

If you think you could use a few tips about tables and images and HREFs (oh my!), then you know what time it is - It's Professor Stoner Time.

Well, back to work... it's busy as HELL around here.  Nah, the hell with that, lemme share some goofiness with ya first.

I laughed my ass off when I saw this thing... take a close
look and tell me that you don't see the same thing I see
when I look at the detail pic of this beast...

... and don't make me provide a "reference image".

  
   note: reference pic now available
by mouseover due to popular demand!

I also updated the "Quote of the [insert indeterminate period of time here]"... the c00kie cr00k has her own page now, so go visit.   If you don't know Kelly already, you can expect more hazing of information about her to show up here in the next couple of days.  Actually, you can feel free to expect it even if you do know her.  How 'bout them apples, huh?

Oh yeah, and finally on the "minor update" front, I added some reader feedback to the latest answer over in the Ask Professor Stoner Column.

Random Observation: the correct size socket for use as an impromptu bowl is 3/4".  Or whatever the hell the metric equivalent is.  At least, that's what I'm told... heh. 

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