Does capitalism always have to be so... gaudy?     


Welcome to the 13 Dec 2000 archive of Stream - you can click the planet to the left to get back to Jimbo's World if you're lost.

   STREAM OF urine
   This is the part of the site where I don't have to screw about with formatting, or layouts, or anything else.  I just bang on the keyboard like a diseased monkey, and *poof* - instant content!  Guess what part of the site's most likely to get updated on a regular basis?  Right.   
13 Dec 2000
20:38 Tabloids + Crazed Anti-Drug Propaganda = Humor (Jimbo)
Am I the only one that sees how truly pathetic this is?  I know Whitney didn't actually pose for her picture in the Enquirer or get consulted for that headline, but Jesus Christ that front page made me laugh my ass off in the middle of the grocery store.  I mean, the chick was caught with marijuana.  You can't get "addicted" to marijuana any more than you can get addicted to fucking breath mints.

Rumor has it she had a coke problem, too, which is somewhat more serious... but you know what?  I work around salesmen.  The kind of salesmen that deal with $10K and up contracts.  Let me tell you a secret about high-contract salesmen: they're not fucking choirboys.  This is not to say all of them are druggies by any means - but it is definitely to say that, whoo-boy, have I ever been around plenty of cokeheads.

And I haven't ever known one who had anything faintly like the amount of trouble kicking the habit that is typically attributed to celebrities.   You know, that fabled willingness to lie, cheat, and steal in order to get more coke?

Well, frankly, I just haven't seen it.


"I've beaten drugs!   Aren't you proud of me, mommy?"


britneydress.jpg (3574 bytes)
wtf is that?

   I mean, sure, I've known pot-heads and coke fiends that would lie, cheat, or steal to get more stuff - thing is, they'd lie, cheat, or steal to get whatever the hell it was they happened to have a craving for at the moment, whether they were high or not.  I've just never really known anybody that pot, or even coke, really "turned" one particular way.  If you're an amoral loser, odds are good you're going to continue being an amoral loser if you do coke or pot - but conversely, you're not likely to become an amoral loser if you weren't already.

It's kind of like how so many different agencies put pressure on the automotive industry to kill ponycars - statistics show that there's an abnormally high number of serious accidents among Mustang and Camaro drivers, so the push is on to kill the rear-wheel-drive ponycar.  What the fuck they think they're going to accomplish by this, I don't know - the reason there are so many serious accidents amongst Mustang and Camaro drivers is that that's what folks who like to drive recklessly tend to buy.  Killing the Mustang and the Camaro in favor of front-wheel-drive sports cars like the new Cougar XR7 won't do a fucking thing to the overall accident rates, because the same reckless drivers will be driving just as recklessly in whatever the hell is left.

This seems pretty fucking obvious to me.  I don't for the life of me understand why most people fail to see this.  They don't understand that "reckless driving", not the car driven, is "the problem with rear-wheel-drive ponycars" - and they don't understand that "reckless drug use", not the drug used, is almost invariably "the problem with drugs."

Anyway, I really didn't intend to turn this into such a long lecture - all I really wanted to do originally was share my amusement at Whitney looking like a mildly retarded child showing off the ashtray she made for Mommy in school today next to that ludicrous "I've beaten drugs!" headline.  Oh yeah, I also wanted to share this with you (also from this issue of the Enquirer)... what the fuck is that shit hanging out of the back of Britney Spears' dress supposed to be?


08:35 I will never understand women (Jimbo)
She:   I can never do anything good enough for you.
He:   Baby, I don't feel that way at all...
She:   (aggrieved) See? I can't even do that right!
He:   :: runs around the room, gibbering madly, setting fire to things with a butane lighter ::


12 Dec 2000
09:55 Sex... Violence...  Drugs... Ninjas! (Jimbo)

That's right, baby it's Haunted Ninja Nun Walrus Fuckers - Episode Two.

Keith and Rob should really like this one.

And speaking of Rob... dude, if you didn't wanna see novelty acts and posers, why were you watching VH-1?


09:45 I can't decide (Baldghoti)

...whether reenacting scenes from Monty Python with your Lego set is cool or just plain gay.

There's also a Matrix knockoff, and a Desperado knockoff.

In other news, Lenny Kravitz is still just a novelty act, and has been ever since "Are You Gonna Go My Way?".::clicks off VH1::


07:05 A Zen Story (Baldghoti)

[ From The Principia Discordia ]
by Camden Benares, the Count of Five Headmaster, Camp Meeker Cabal

A serious young man found the conflicts of mid-20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving withn himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.

One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "Go to the dilapidated mansion you will find at this address which I have written down for you. Do not speak to those who live there; you must remain silent until the moon rises tomorrow night. Go to the large room on the right of the main hallway, sit in the lotus position on top of the rubble in the northeast corner, face the corner, and meditate."

He did as the Zen Master instructed. His meditation was frequently interruped by worries. He worried whether or not the rest of the plumbing fixtures would fall from the second floor bathroom to join the pipes and other trash he was sitting on. He worried how would he know when the moon rose on the next night. He worried about what the people who walked through the room said about him.

His worrying and meditation were disturbed when, as if in a test of his faith, ordure fell from the second floor onto him. At that time two people walked into the room. The first asked the second who the man sitting there was. The second replied "Some say he is a holy man. Others say he is a shithead."

Hearing this, the man was enlightened.

Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia! Hail Yes!


11 Dec 2000
15:55 Rover Rhere Raggy! (Keith M)
Wizards of the Coast recently released a new Star Wars role playing game. From what I hear it's pretty nice, but I had a hard time concentrating after I saw this pic. My heart totally belongs to the Scoobie/Shaggy lovechild wookie... oh yeah...   


15:21 Cryptic? Me? (Baldghoti)

You think I'm cryptic, Frosty? Well, maybe I am and maybe I amn't.

::smokes crack, has sex with Dijon, France::


08:40 It's Monday morning, and you know what that means... (Jimbo)

Smile, motherfucker.   (I actually posted the update this morning around 3AM, I just waited 'til now to pimp it.  Eat that, McNally!)

Incidentally, is it just me, or is Baldie going for the (nonexistent) Jimbo's World Cryptic Post Of The Year 2000 award...?


08:39 WHO's the president? (Baldghoti)

You know, I'm tired of CNN too.   Let those fuckers do the work.


10 Dec 2000
23:04 God, I love MAME (Jimbo)
For those of you who don't already know this, MAME is an acronym for Multi Arcade Machine Emulator.   What MAME does is emulate the hardware from older arcade games - you know, the ones in the mall you dumped quarters into as a kid, and maybe still do.  Why would it do this?  Well, so that you can scan the ROMs from those old games, and then play them on your computer - exactly the way they played in the arcade.  It's not a "translation", because not a single line of code has been altered - it's the hardware that was translated, not the game itself.  You even have to press a key to "put quarters in" - that's how authentic MAME-emulated games are.

The original MAME is a DOS program, but don't feel left out if you're not running a Win98 machine - there are ports to ungodly numbers of platforms that are nearly as up-to-date as the DOS version.  There are ports to Win32 (necessary if you run NT or 2000 like I do), Unix, Macintosh, and even some frickin' digital cameras, believe it or not!

But this is actually just background information.  I didn't really want to talk to you about MAME, I wanted to talk to you about a particular arcade game that MAME emulates... so set the WayBack machine for 1990, Sherman, 'cause we're gonna take ourselves a little trip.

I bet a bunch of you never saw this one in the arcade - I did, but god knows not all that often.  That's right, it's "Michael Jackson's Moonwalker" - not one of Sega's proudest moments in videogaming history.

The premise is that you help Michael - who can make the bad guys do a magic dance (and promptly die of shame as soon as the dance is done) - find lots and lots of children in bondage.  Oh yeah, and if you manage to find Bubbles the chimp, he will magically morph you into "android Michael", who has big zappy lasers.

No, I'm not, repeat, not, kidding.  Not even about the "children in bondage" part - the entire point of the game is that you go touch these little urchins, who are hogtied and struggling and calling your (well, Michael's) name.


help michael find children in bondage!

   I know those of you that never saw this game in real life probably think I'm making this shit up.  You'd definitely think I was making it all up if I told you that I had undoctored game footage of Michael in an alleyway, first deftly avoiding getting assaulted with a five-foot metal cock, then immediately returning the favor to a little boy huddled up against a streetlight...

Well, mouseover the shot to the left.  Think your eyes deceived you?  Mouseover it again.  Think I busted out my m4d 3d1t1ng sk1llz?  Get MAME, go to and download the MoonWalker ROMs...

And never doubt me again.


09 Dec 2000
21:50 Let's go to the moooooovies! (Baldghoti)

moviesign.jpg (14202 bytes)
I really want to go see this movie.


10:27 N3tp1mp! (Jimbo)
For those of you who weren't around for's heyday, one of their features was the "netpimp" section - in which they would spotlight particularly entertaining varieties of net.loser.   All you had to do to qualify for "netpimp" status was 1. be horrendously unattractive, and 2. be dumb enough to post a picture of your fugly self on the 'net.  Preferably on some sort of "god help me, I need sex and I need it now" sort of personals page.

Boy, does this sorry-ass motherfucker here ever qualify... heh.  (Don't miss his "Cemetery Girlz" section... it's special.)


Click here to watch dorkboi pray:
A Dork's Prayer To Satan

09:19 Tamarind!   TamarindTamarindTamarind! (Jimbo)

Ahhh, Keith-san assures me that he has located and is sending me three, count 'em, three varieties of the most horrifying candy in (or out of) Nature, TAMARIND.  (The candy most vilified by!)   God, I can't wait.

My buddy Dave and I used to go to gas stations and pick out the most horrid looking beverages they possessed - you know, the ones that have an odd sort of color, possibly globby bits like a lava lamp (Orbitz!), and don't look "herbal" so much as "conceived by, concocted by, and only even theoretically drinkable by, a person tokin' on some serious herb."  I miss that - somehow, it's just not quite the same without a friend retarded enough to go in search of the foulest soft drinks known to man.  We'd sometimes drive 30 or 40 miles outside of town to some gas station in the middle of podunk, just because one of us discovered it had a particularly good (!) selection of quasi-potable oddities.

What's the point of this rambling anecdote?   That I am prepared for Tamarind, baybee.  Ready and rarin' to go!   And don't forget, I'm gonna share my horrifying experience vicariously with all you fuckers via the new webcam.

Vive la Tamarind!

(Incidentally, the only beverage that Dave and I were unable to even make a noticeable dent in a can/bottle of - much less, god forbid, drink the whole thing, which is what we usually did - was a 12 ounce can of liquid hell, aka Redstone Cola.  You would think that something labeled "cola" would be pretty safe, especially when viewed in the same context as "drinkable" lava lamps - but it's not.  That shit is hideous, yo.)


09:09 Sober men don't write about Haunted Ninja Nun Walrus Fuckers (Chess Piece Face)

I've been smoking a lot of weed lately, partly for inspiration for my Pulitzer-worthy serial fiction and the other reason being that all the cool kids are doing it. Besides stunted lung capacity and a strong urge to vote Nader (wait, did I miss the election? Dude!) I'm experiencing increased clarity of thought and the ability to see the root meanings behind things that were once unkonwn to me. This morning's profound revelation was this:

Flowers are the genitalia of the plant world.

"Duh", you say, "everybody who graduated junior high knows that". True. What really struck me was the symbolism of flowers in relation to that fact. Women the world over think it is romantic to have plants castrated in their honor and to have the remains of those castrations presented to them. Flowers are nature's penises.

Yet I suppose it's only natural to exchange bouquets of reproductive organs as a prelude to the person-to-person bumping of uglies that (hopefully) comes later.


09:08 Professor Stoner's Potential Sidekick - Pastor Nimrod (Baldghoti)

I spoke with Pastor Nimrod over at the Christians Against Humor Homepage. I mentioned to the Good Pastor that I was now posting on Jimbo's World, a popular E/N site, and, well, he was appalled..

This site is despicable, disgusting, and immoral. I cannot believe that such a Good Christian Boy as yourself would become so involved with such a den of iniquity.

So, I made the suggestion to the Good Pastor that he might want to do a tandem column with the (rather slow) Professor St0ner column (totally without consulting Jimbo, I might add), and he had this to say:

I believe that would be a good idea--you owe it to your readers to allow me to try to save their souls from eternal hellfire. And I want a cool header graphic.

So, Jimbo, what do you say?

Jimbo sez:  I say the cocksucker can come up with
his own header graphic.  After that, well, we'll see.


08 Dec 2000
00:39 Chill, pimp! (Keith M)

I've taken a new band under my wing, known across the neighborhood as The Spungos. I'm hosting their debut release, "There's No Such Band as the Spungos", which may seem like a hastily put together piece of shit (that appears to be printed on some kind of cracker), but I can assure you that it's not. Of special significance is their lead single, an extended cover of the famous Booty Call tune "I'm Jake". Download it and bliss out to the smooth, smooth beats...


00:37 The Conscious Beast - weekly update (Jimbo)

Check it.


06 Dec 2000
22:06 Profanity is fucking cool, DUUUUUUUUDE! (Baldghoti)

My grandfather has begun to read this page. I actually linked him--I wanted him to read my novella. He didn't like some of the profanity on the main page, so here's a little post on cursing.

Yes, I use profanity. And I'd like to thank the puritans who make it seem so offensive--without the puritans to vilify those of us who refuse to limit ourself to "godly" language (despite the fact that there is no verse in the bible specifically outlawing use of the words "shit", "fuck", or any other "profanity"), the power that the word "fuck" has would be severely diminished.

It doesn't really matter. In three years, you'll be allowed to say "shit" on national TV. In six, you'll be able to say "fuck". Freudian profanity is on the way out. The new "motherfucker" is "nigger".

Jimbo sez:  Yeah, but I'll still be able to say "shut up, cracker."


05 Dec 2000
17:00 I wonder if he sells gift certificates? (Baldghoti)
Dr. Felix Spector specializes in male castration. It'd probably be funny to trick someone into visiting this guy, if they were looking to get a vasectomy. And, more importantly, would they allow you to take 'em home in a jar? Quality paperweights are hard to find nowadays.   

Dr. Felix Spector
ate my balls!


12:00 New Serial (Jimbo)

That's right, folks - it's the highly-touted, long-awaited seminal installment of Haunted Ninja Nun Walrus Fuckers, by our very own Chess Piece "I have no respect for my fellow posters" Face.   Sex!  Ghetto Rap!  Drugs!  WALRUSES!!!

Okay, so there's only one walrus.  Click here anyway, 'kay?


Jee.  Zus.   Christ. (Baldghoti)

I knew the Final Fantasy movie was going to be great, but I thought for sure we'd see a sort of computer-generated anime theme.

Holy fucking fuck.

Computer graphics always give me a bit of a thrill, whether it's the comically obese Jabba or the great SFX in The Matrix. But this movie is fucking ridiculous. I like to think that I know the difference between computer-generated actors and human actors, but I guess not.

And they actually have some big names--Alec Baldwin, James Woods, Donald Sutherland, Ving Rhames, and Steve Buscemi are the best known actors, and the heroine is voiced by Ming-Na (from Disney's Mulan.

You thought Titan AE had some great space battles.. well, if Final Fantasy continues the graphic precedent of the games, you're in for quite a treat.

The movie comes out in summer 2001. I'll be waiting in line starting in spring 2001.


01:08 Flippin' the script on that McNally punk: where's my Tamarind? (Jimbo)
I got the webcam already - want proof?   Click here (AVI, 201K) for a short editorial comment about Keith's failure to provide me with Tamarind.   

I hunger, coward.


04 Dec 2000
16:11 New Updates (Jimbo)

The latest updates to Smile and The Conscious Beast are posted, with a hearty apology to Rob (and a hearty "fuck you" to that dirty Canadian) as regards my tardiness.

Incidentally, Keith, I agree with that guy in your forum - you should repost Mankind Is Without Flaw here.  I really liked it.


07:31 The Grinch That Stole My Fucking Head Gasket (Jimbo)
I know shit's been running mighty late around here for the past week or so, and I'm sorry, really... shit's just been kinda hectic.   Apparently, my (previous) car decided that right after I'd blown all my money on Christmas would be just a dandy time to decide it's allergic to its own head gasket... and promptly spit the fucker right out on the way home from work.   Needless to say, what with being faced with the sudden necessity of finding a car for $500-or-less, fixing the inevitable shit-that's-wrong-with-any-car-you-buy-that-cheap, and making sure little inessentials like the rent get paid on time... well, I've been kinda busy.   Sorry 'bout that, Butt-Head.

On a somewhat related note and as a partial apology, I bring you this video clip. (mpeg, 1.3MB)   This guy's entire job is to test-drive Ferraris to destruction.   All... day... long.  Where the fuck do I send my application?!

If I'd been driving like that, I wouldn't have been half as pissed when my head gasket blew.  (For that matter, if that was what I had been driving, I'm pretty sure I'd have fixed it instead of buying a new car!)

Anyway, if anybody cares, I'm coming out of this smellin' like a rose - I found a 1990 Ford Probe GL, 122K on the odometer, everything but the AC working, and only spent $500!  (God, I love people that don't know anything about cars. )

This thing is actually going to end up being a better car than my last one, once I get a couple more minor fixes done... thank god.  Just before Christmas is not a good time to suddenly have to buy a new car.

New updates to Smile and The Conscious Beast will be posted later on today.


I want this job so much...


01 Dec 2000
07:18 Support your local cops, support your First Amendment (Baldghoti)

Gainesville, FL recently passed a flyer ban prohibiting the posting of any printed material on public property such as telephone poles. The interesting thing is that the penalty is applied not to the anonymous poster-hanger, but to the person or business that the flyer is advertising for. Two warnings, and then a $1000 fine, and then 30 days in jail.

So, the local members of the SAP (Students Against Protests) (title subject to change) have decided to take action in supporting this flyer ban. We'll be hanging posters and flyers to support the flyer ban, and they'll all say "SUPPORT THE GAINESVILLE POLICE DEPARTMENT AND THE FLYER BAN!".

And if any particular officers trouble us?


Too bad they thought to suspend it for all political signs before the election--GPD might have had to arrest George W Bush, Al Gore, and Ralph Nader. Buchanan probably would have gotten away with a warning.


27 Nov 2000
07:34 Better late than never, right? (Jimbo)

Okay folks, we've got another chunk o' serial fiction goodness for you - it was supposed to go up Friday, but hey, what the hell, it was Turkey Day weekend.  Anyway, our new contender is The Conscious Beast, a novella by our very own Reverend Rob "Baldghoti" Tobias.   A new chapter of The Conscious Beast will be up every Friday, from here on out.   Since it's Monday today, there's also a new installment of Smile up - but that part's not late.  Well, no later than Keith, anyway, which I guess isn't saying too much, but hey...


24 Nov 2000
11:16 Jugs of Juice and Tiger Zebra (Keith M)

I started watching Tom Green a year before he went to MTV, and my friends and I were super fans. I've got the Organized Rhyme CD and everything. The guy just blew me away. When we heard he was going to MTV we knew things weren't going to be the same, but we wished him well. If anyone had earned his fame, it was Tom Green. The amount of dedication he had put into his profession was truly Chan-like, even Foley-esque. We were proud of him.

The first thing he did was a Pepsi ad. We cringed a little, but we got over it. Anxiously we awaited the day when the MTV shows would be aired in Canada, and when they were we weren't disappointed. The frantic entire-season-written-in-two-weeks-by-Tom-and-Derek-on-a-shoestring-budget energy may have been gone, but Tom was still great.

Even so, we gradually lost interest; Tom was a celebrity now, and not our special obscure comedy god, the guy who we'd proudly recommend to anyone who'd listen with huge smiles and rambling accounts of our favorite Tom Green moments. Even though we lost the habit of watching his show every week, Tom Green holds a special place with us, and I know I'll always remember the first time I saw an episode of The Tom Green Show.

But jesus Tom, could you at least try to keep your lips together while you're sucking Right Guard's cock?


smilin' like a donut


20 Nov 2000
20:14 I actually managed to tell this one right today at work (Jimbo)

One day, a bear is chasing a rabbit hell-for-leather through the woods.  Finally, after a long hard chase, it looks like the bear is about to catch him - but the rabbit stumbles over something half-buried in the trail and goes flying, and the bear stumbles over it behind him and falls on his ass too.  Before they can get up and start running again, a great cloud of purple smoke fills the air - they tripped over a magic djinni lamp!

The djinni says "Since the two of you are equally responsible for freeing me, you each may have your three fondest wishes granted - but be careful, for once you have made a wish, it cannot be undone."

The bear immediately pipes up and says "I'm going first!"  The djinni looks at the rabbit, but the rabbit just shrugs, so the djinni asks the bear "what is your first wish?"  The bear replies, "I want every other bear in the world to be female."  "Done!" exclaims the djinni.  "I want all those female bears to be in heat every day of the year," says the bear.  "Done!  And your last wish, effendi?" says the djinni.  "I want to be the horniest bear the world has ever seen!" shouts the bear triumphantly.  "Done!"

The djinni then turns to the rabbit, saying "and your first wish, effendi?"  "I want a motorcycle," says the rabbit.  "Done!" proclaims the djinni, and a rabbit-sized Harley appears.   The bear says "Man, rabbits are stupid.  You get three wishes, and the best thing you can come up with is a motorcycle?"  The rabbit snarls "fuck you, bear," climbs on, and kick-starts his hog.  "Your second wish, effendi?" asks the djinni.  "I want a motorcycle helmet."   "Done!" says the djinni, and a helmet appears on the rabbit's head.   "Man, you just don't get any smarter.  What a retard!" says the bear.  "Fuck off," snarls the rabbit, as he blips the throttle.   "And your final wish, effendi?"

"I wish that fucking bear was gay!"

And with that, the rabbit dumps the clutch and hauls ass down the trail.


19 Nov 2000
10:48 The Tamarind Report (Keith M)

Studies show that crackheads do not lose their sense of taste; my brother and one of his friends wandered into the house the other day, stoned as always and on a search for food. They spotted the bag of Tamarind laying around and asked what it was. Matt and Dan (the two who had managed, just barely, to eat their Tamarind) assured them that it was great stuff. I wish I had been there to see them struggle vainly with the very idea that something that vile was being marketed as candy and that they had just put it into their mouths. More fuel for the "must escape reality" fire. Bwahaha.

I looked around for nude pictures of myself to comply with Rob's obviously homosexual request, and this was all I could find. Don't bother asking if it's fake, 'cause it's not.

And Robby boy! Smile's not ending any time soon, and when it does I'm gonna keep rolling with something new, so I say make with the serial! The more the merrier, and a good segue for me to recommend the other two serials I read: The Sea Became Salt by Laural Bourque, a sci-fi story which I wrote a chapter for (but you have to read it to find out which one), and make no sound by jane burnham, which involves, among other things, firing cum on the face of a girl who's pretending to be asleep. Guess who gets the most hits out of the three of us?



mouseover here to whip it out and here to put it away.


10:47 Where the hell did THAT come from?! (Baldghoti)

Saturday Night Live, a show not usually known for particularly dark humor, was guested by Tom Green, a comic noted for his absurd antics and not his dark humor, this Saturday night.

This television show was perhaps the single most darkly comic hour and a half I've ever seen on television. With a Dog Show sketch gone horribly wrong, an Oprah parody with only a few one-liners tossed in, almost as a concession, and a promised wedding at the end of the show (for Tom Green and fiancee Drew Barrymore) had a totally straightfaced cast abandoning him at the altar as he's jilted, one has to wonder what the hell Lorne Michaels was thinking. I love Saturday Night Live, and I love Tom Green, but... well, I like pickles and I like ice cream, but I wouldn't try to mix them together.



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