fuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK

another feeling
when a wave of intense anger leaves you
and you feel like you're floating just above your body
your hands feel heavy and far away
but they still manage to do what you tell them
what's the point of this?
why try to make people understand
with a bunch of stupid words that hardly even make sense?
a language that's nothing but a gross patchwork
of every mistake and miscommunication anyone has ever made
I never figured that I'd ever write poetry
but this isn't really poetry
it doesn't even rhyme
unless you count "poetry" and "poetry"
it's more like... ideas...
hh...
I feel a little better now
it just kills me
the "dark poet"
the "cynic"
the "offensive, dick joke guy"
he even said a few of those things himself
but he knew they weren't true
he knew that he was one of the only ones
who wasn't cynical
and who wasn't dark
he was a fucking super nova
and I wish that he wasn't dead
we could have been great friends
it's so hard to really understand that I can never meet him
everything I know about Bill Hicks
is through tapes
and interviews
that's how he was born for me
and somewhere, mixed in with it all
he died
I talk about him like he was my next door fucking neighbor
but I didn't know him
though at the center of it all, I didn't need to know him
because I've seen, through his words, his behavior,
the simple inflection of his words
that it really meant something when he smiled
he knew about people
he knew all about them
and it's important to understand that he was never driven by hate
never.
hate would have left him silent
contemptuous of all mankind
unwilling to explain
unwilling to expect
that someday enough people will rub their eyes
and wake up
and take control of the world around them
it could happen so fast...
those who didn't take the time to think it through
those who didn't find their reasons for being on this planet
would be lost in the flood
completely swept away
wondering, to no avail, how the world could be so changed
so different
so totally incomprehensible
while I'd be standing by Bill's grave
watching them
laughing
a laugh of joy and release
a laugh pure enough to break all of the shitty days
that anyone on this earth has ever had
but it'll have to be someone else to experience that laugh
because I'll be dead in the ground by then
though maybe not by long
the world is small now
with a tiny effort, you can go anywhere
you can talk to anyone on the planet.
the small group of people
who really understand the concept of liberty
can meet each other now.
they aren't just a scattered few,
separated by continents and oceans
they're all right here, together
and it's only a matter of time
before enough of us become fed up
with idiots and assholes stepping in on our lives
for it all to be over.
how many are there, exactly?
how many people are moving the world
and how many are just along for the ride?
the answer might surprise you
or it might not surprise you at all
depending on which side you live on.

It really is hard to make connections with people
I have to drag it out of them, when I even bother trying
which isn't often
more often someone tries to make a connection with me
but misses the mark
trying to find common ground where there is none
knowing which ideas interest me
but making no real effort to try them out
which makes me wonder why they even tried making the connection
in the first place.

...Love and empathy
or just some company...

I wonder what happened to people's sense of wonder about life?
they treat it as so boring, so mundane, like they've seen it all
when it's not life that's boring
it's just them
they can change any time
or take the first steps toward changing, at the very least.

The thing that bugs me the most about it is that I see my idea as inarguable. Maybe not all the details of it, but the root. People are great creatures, the greatest creatures. With our bodies and minds, we can do anything. Why would anyone want to ignore that fact? And how could anyone possibly argue against it?

But you'd be surprised.

You just can't save anyone who doesn't want to be saved.

I'm reading a book by Nathaniel Branden called Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. In the chapter on raising a child he describes an ideal environment, explaining how each element of the parents' behavior helps the child learn to use his or her own mind, aiding them considerably in the task of becoming a self-supporting adult. It was a beautifully comforting thing to read; not that my upbringing was bad, but it wasn't like that.

Then he laid the big one on me; even in such a nurturing environment, a child still has a chance of not realizing their own potential. They may never reach a functionally high enough level of understanding about themselves and the world to gain a healthy self-esteem; they may never build in themselves a respect for their own mind, no matter what you do. I'd never really thought of it that way, and I found the idea absolutely terrifying.

No matter what you give, what examples you show, what methods you use to communicate the idea that people are an end in themselves, some people just won't get it, because they'll never try to get it. They'll never take that first step toward exploring the depths of their own minds. They just won't. No tact, no method, no formula can ever be used to guarantee that you will reach them. I'm not saying that I hadn't realized this before, but I hadn't realized it to quite that extent. No matter what you do, there are still people who will fail to take control of their lives. It really frightens me, the knowledge that there will always be people out there who simply can't be reasoned with, not because they're incapable of reason, but because they simply decide to disregard it. But then, that's what I've been saying all this time, isn't it? Our capacity for limitless greatness is mirrored by our potentially limitless apathy. Our minds come with an on/off dial, which can be slowly, slowly dimmed over a matter of years, or steadily brightened. Keeping it steady is hard – if you're not moving forward, you're probably moving back. But moving forward doesn't just mean change for change's sake. Moving forward means a refinement of ideas, and change when change is necessary. A lot of people say change is good without knowing what the hell they're talking about. If you're already on the right track, then change doesn't help at all. Those little sayings are everywhere, though; common knowledge, they're called. Well what's so good about the common? At this stage in the development of humankind, I think people would definitely be better off with a nice dose of the uncommon.

"Despairing is basically joining what you abhor."

I don't think I've written anything in the past month that hasn't had some sort of hate or disappointment as its catalyst. I really have to stop this. It's been awhile since anyone's been able to remind me that I'm not just rattling off words on some barren rock in the middle of the ocean. I find these people and I don't smile, but I stare into their eyes, groups of little dots on paper, and I remember that there's a way out of this.

Most people don't volunteer it, but whenever it happens to slip out, I find the opinion of the people I know coming down to humankind being fundamentally flawed. According to them we're all screwed up, there's something wrong with all of us and there's nothing we can do about it.

"Even you?" I'll ask the person.

"Yes."

I want to ask what the problems are and what stops them from changing, but instead I usually say, "So why haven't you killed yourself?"

And some vague, evasive answer is given. If we're all so fucked up, if we've all got so many problems, then why not look for them? Why not isolate them? If there are flaws in our minds that we can't repair, wouldn't it be good to at least know what they are? How can people say things like that without the research and proof to back it up? If people are just going to talk out of their asses, why is it always along the lines of human beings being scum? Why don't any of them claim humankind to be proud and noble creatures? If you're just going to pick an opinion out of the air, you could at least try to be random about it. Isn't one as good as the other? If you're not willing to back up any of your opinions, then go nuts. Why not claim that we're all infallible and omniscient? Why not tell people that we can shoot fireballs out of our eyeballs? Because you don't have the proof? Well, where's the proof that we all have insurmountable flaws, which can never be conquered? It's not the opinion that bothers me half as much as the obvious lack of an attempt to justify it. It's self-evident, it's a given, everybody knows that human beings suck. Talk about your casualties of conformity. So instead of saying that we're all horrible, next time say that we're all wondrous and angelic instead. As long as you're making shit up, go hog wild.

The Holocaust
I just can't get it out of my head lately
there are still people on this planet who remember it
that's how recent it was
and everyone acts like it's passed
like it can never happen again
and when I imagine it
when I watch everything collapse into that state of insanity
not overseas, not in some far off country
but right here in North America
I don't see any resistance
I look at the people around me and I watch them let it happen.
all it takes is the few wrong people in the right positions of power
and a few million blank slates to fill
with whatever garbage idea it takes to motivate them
and before you're even aware of a change
a few million other blank slates are being killed in death camps
and people talk about hate
they damn it and condemn it
and claim that it is to blame for all of this
but hate has its place
hate is one of the things that saved my mind
in the years when I simply assumed that humankind is flawed
and that we are not what was intended
I didn't have any real proof
I was sucked in by the invisible aura that blankets this society
which is not invisible to me anymore
but I fortified my mind against everything
I continued about my life normally
I was not outwardly hostile to people
but in the back of my mind I always remembered
that the people I met did not impress me
that they were making obvious mistakes with their lives
and that somewhere, someone must be doing better
I'm not sure how long I could have kept it up
but it doesn't matter anymore, because I'm out
I've come out of the shell
and while I still can't relate to these people
I don't have to hide from them anymore.
they can't hurt me
not directly, anyway
but if a new Hitler were to come into power
were our police force to turn against the law
and were everyday citizens to follow suit
none of the people I know would stop it
they wouldn't even know how to begin
they're too lazy, too jaded,
too nihilistic to ever try to learn
that Hate is a rejection
a rejection of values that are not your own
it does not have to be a mindless process
done right, its entire base is built on thought
I sit and stare, and I can't seem to get these things out of my head
deep in the back of my thoughts are small pockets of hate
just enough to spread around, a little for almost everyone
enough to ensure that I never find myself accepting
and emulating their frozen mental development.
this hate can be removed anytime
it's far from absolute
but it's all up to them
to change, to improve
to remove the necessity for my continued wariness of them
to prove to me that I can rely on them
that I don't have to look after them
that if things went against the wall
they'd do the right thing
otherwise the increments of my hate slowly rise
as I continue to watch them make no attempt
to learn new things
to integrate new ideas
to practice new skills
all they do is get angry and frustrated
at the stupidest fucking things
and they never question why
or look for the point at which their thoughts became derailed
in order to get back on track
or even admit that they've fallen off.
instead they just lay broken
rusting in a ditch
year after year
letting their days stretch off into infinity
always confident that there's more than enough time
to change things tomorrow
or if not tomorrow, then at some later date
never immediately
never right now
just get comfortable
become tolerant of everyone
no matter what, directly or indirectly,
they may be doing to you
because it's not good to hate
hating is bad
just another state of mind
that's too much trouble to bother dealing with.

I found another little test
to see which side of the fence a person stands on.
I remember, when I was a little kid,
proclaiming constantly that I was bored
that there was nothing to do.
I realized today that this never happens to me anymore
I haven't been bored for years, in that sense
I get bored sometimes watching movies or reading books
which promptly causes me to do something else
but I never sit around, wondering what I should do.
who has time for that?
there are so many things to do in the short time we have
how can anyone squander it?
I think it's because they've convinced themselves
that they'll live forever
or simply haven't taken the time to realize that they won't.
it isn't just an occasional aberration in them, either
but an entire way of life
day after day, a constant battle against boredom
so, here we are again
me vs. the world
how alienated I must be
but it's true
I never get bored.
I've got books to write
comics to write
movies to write
music to write
and a lot of thinking to do
about how these things will be produced and distributed
I'm not trying to come off as some solitary figure
alone on an island full of people
because I don't have to try
there is no melodrama involved here
it's the simple truth
most people I know still get bored
or worse, they endeavor never to spend a waking moment alone
so that their boredom will remain forever unfaced
I try to get this idea across to them, sometimes
if not to change their thinking, then at least to illustrate to them
exactly what it is that makes us different
but it's just no use
there are too many things to explain
things that wouldn't need to be explained
if they had ever made a distinct and persistent attempt
to look.
it's not as hard as it sounds.
in fact, I've always found it harder not to think about things
but in the end I mix in
my smiles are genuine
I really do get along with people
because people, for the most part, aren't so bad
but it can only go so far
and it can only go so deep
because most people come to me
we rarely come to one another
I've never understood how anyone
could have trouble making friends
friends are easy
just act like you don't care if they're there or not
(because you don't)
and they'll never fucking leave
you'll have people all over you like flies on a light bulb
and once it happens I can never come up with a good reason
to ask them to go
if they want to hang around, it's fine with me
it's their life
and I assume that at some point
their lives will take them away from mine
because at some point
they'll realize that they have things that have to get done
or things that they want to get done
we'd become two people exchanging notes
before going back out to battle our futures
we'd be real friends, comrades
but it's become quite clear
that some people will never do this
they'll buzz around the light bulb forever
never thinking about what attracts them to it
or what makes them hesitant to let it go.
how I wish I were just a conceited fuck, making all this shit up
have you ever been trying to read a comic
while someone stares expectantly at you
waiting, with infinite patience
for you to break the connection for just one moment,
just long enough to assault you
with a barrage of pointless questions and requests
which will help them pass the time?
I hate that line, "just passing time"
passing time until what?
and I'm not talking about little kids
I cut kids more slack
these are grown people, just passing time
putting bullets in their head.
there comes a point
when I just can't accept their mental laziness anymore
the whole concept has become foreign to me.
don't they have anything better to do?
if they'd only make an effort
to find something they truly enjoy about life
something which they could do to make themselves happier
which doesn't encroach on anyone else
then devote their resources to pursuing it
human interaction would become so much less strained
we might be able to finally get on a level of mutual respect
rather than just flies
and light bulbs.
but I can't explain this to them, because they won't get it
they'll just get hurt and angry
and wonder why I don't want to hang around with them anymore
so I'm stuck sanctioning everyone
because they haven't done anything
to deserve my outright condemnation
though condemnation is not my aim
I just want to be able to ignore people,
and to have them ignore me back
instead we're stuck in a some fucked-up limbo
and I don't want any part of it
if they refuse to do anything with their lives, that's fine
but I'm sure they can find another planet to circle easily enough
I just have to figure out how to spin them off.
it's always been a rule of mine, ever since I was a little kid
not to impose on other people, unless it was really important
I didn't like it when people bothered me
so I didn't bother them
years and years before I knew most of the ideas in this book
I knew that one
it's like there's two different types of people...
it seems so insurmountable, sometimes
to get people to understand these things
"p-r-i-v-a-c-y is priceless to me"
some people already know it
some people have always known it
while some people never have and never will
and worst of all
worst of all
is that, reading this
a lot people I know will totally fail to understand it
having never realized that it is in fact they who come to me
and that if they were to stop showing up, I would never call them
I would make no attempt to seek them out
because human interaction has to be value for value
though most of mine fail at both ends
I gain no value from them
and I can't even begin to fathom what sort of value
they imagine to receive from me.
then there are others, who's company I actually enjoy
who will assume that this profile includes them as well
because their lives are headed in the right direction
but it's still a hit-and-miss for them
they aren't sure that they'll ever really do anything with their lives
they aren't positive that their minds will ever take them to heights
higher than those they now inhabit
they aren't flies, but they aren't light bulbs either
this is why stupid analogies don't work
pretty soon you run out of comparisons
though the light bulb is pretty appropriate
because anyone who makes it their job
to illuminate things for themselves and others
will be sure to attract a pile of flies.
the only other option I can see
is to become a bug-zapper
but I'm holding out
'cause there's gotta be a better way.

It's strange that almost everyone has tangled themselves
into such a position that the word "work"
carries a negative connotation.
the few people I've met who are doing what they want in life
are like beacons
they stand out to me, as though they're in color
while everything else is in black and white
recognizing this is never a gradual process
it only takes a few seconds
it's in their faces, in their eyes
their times of despair are only aberrations
not the norm
while everyone else seems to have spent so much time
wallowing in their problems and insecurities
that they've become those things
and to them, moments of contentment and happiness
are the exception, not the rule
and they always seem aware that they will eventually slip
back into their sullen, natural state.

I was walking home one day, along the busy street on which I live
when a red, open toped car drove past.
at the wheel was a white-haired old man
who looked unhappy
really unhappy
the kind of look that made me wonder
if he'd ever be able to pull out of it
but behind him, sitting in the center of the single back seat
was a young girl with short black hair
who looked happy
she was only smiling a little
but it seemed genuine
and even though I only saw her for a second, it made me smile
because she looked as though she'd never be able to lose it
no matter what, it would always be there
underneath whatever bad things might happen to her
no matter how deep it might get buried
there's always a chance that it will come back
there's always a chance that she'll re-discover it
and there's a chance that she'll never have to
though I might have read her wrong
she might not have the force of will I've attributed to her
but of all the cars that passed me that day
I doubt it was coincidence that I only really took notice of her
I think I've learned to recognize my own kind
not just those who have the same potential as me
because most people have that
but the people who've discovered enough of it
the people who've seen enough glimpses of what they can accomplish
that maybe, someday, they'll act on it
the best way I've found to help them recognize their own ability
is to exercise my own
in doing what I want in life
because that's a rare example to find
the rarest
and the hardest to accomplish
but once you start, it's almost impossible
to do anything else.