So I think to myself:
car parts
llamas
violenza domestica
rochester, ny
igloos
and I grin
the joke's on her
the moment we share has been ruined
and she doesn't even know it.

I was watching the tail end of a stand up comedy show yesterday
which was unusual, because I'm not prone to channel surfing
the comic who was on was better than most
little things he would say or do demonstrated
that he had a better understanding of his situation
than he immediately let on.
I laughed a few times as I watched his routine
and sat through the commercials that followed
wondering what was stopping him
why he wasn't presenting himself at his full potential
the show came back on and the credits started to roll
the talentless host of the show appeared
then the comic I was watching appeared and took a bow
and then Bill Hicks walked onto the stage

what the fuck?

what are the chances of that?

I grabbed a tv-guide and raced through it
checking to see if the show had a re-run time
5:30 am
thank goodness
I would have to wait for five and a half hours, but I was undaunted
I'd only gotten 4 hours of sleep the night before
but I couldn't go to bed after that
I tried taking a quick nap, but it was no use
Bill Hicks!
about a month ago, I got a tape through a guy in Texas
a recording of about 6 hours of Bill's performances and interviews
me and my cousin Dan watched it all in one day
so now I no longer have that desperate urge
to see Bill in action
I've watched the movement of his face as he speaks
I now have a fuller understanding
of what it would have been like to meet him
I'm sure that if he were still alive I wouldn't mention him so often
alive he could make mistakes
but dead, he's been given a glossy shine
I can admire his struggle with reckless abandon
I'm totally free to spread his name
Bill Hicks
it'll stick in the minds of anyone who reads this
and someday, maybe they'll get ahold of some of his stuff
I'd be surprised if they like it as much as I do
all of my friends like Bill Hicks
but only my friend Terry really seems to like him the way I do
the rest might put him above other comedians
but not by enough
and I don't expect them too
it would be contrary to the way they see things
contrary to the process of thought they bring
to the judgment of their entertainment
they would never wait the five and a half hours
to watch a ten minute routine
while I'd do it every night, if I could
I don't think I see more in Bill than what was actually there
I just think I see more of it
I catch more than other people do
which pretty much sums up the whole life experience for me
I catch more than they do.
I gotta find something else to do
only four more hours left...

I know a lot of kids who are "non-conformists"
they're rebels, they're unique, they don't follow anyone
but there's one thing that's the same about all of them
they all think humankind is doomed
they all think we, as a race or as individuals
will ultimately fail at everything we undertake
and when I ask them about themselves
they say, "Oh, I didn't mean me
I meant people in general."
when I bring the argument down to a personal level,
they can't keep up anymore
their aimless disgust with people runs out of stream
without a broad generalization to thrash around.
they take the fact of someone making a specific mistake
as though it were no different
from everyone making that mistake
you call that non-conformity?

but that argument doesn't work
not because they can refute it
but because that's when they decide to stop arguing.
they don't want to think about it
they don't want to face the fact that their life is in their own hands
that they can make choices
that what they make of their life is ultimately up to them
they claim to be individuals
but they're just another type of cattle running with the pack
just more people who don't want to think.
society told them that we all suck
gave them some examples of past failure
and they all swallowed it down
without ever questioning it
I've found very few of these people
who ever know what they're going to do with their lives
because they haven't thought about it
how the fuck can they not think about it?
is it more important to play computer games
and watch shitty movies
than it is to step up to the plate
and steer your own life?

even better are the ones who inadvertently group themselves.
"Yeah, I'm a non-conformist.
I'm an Anarchist."
I've got news for you pal,
you've just conformed to somebody else's idea.
you can't be part of any group
without accepting it hook line and sinker.
don't group yourself
you don't have to plaster a stupid label on your head
before you can band together to fight for a common cause.
labels are not a prerequisite of forming a group.
if you need a one word explanation of where you're coming from
then why are you even fighting?
your opponents are obviously unconscious.
just steal the ball and take off.
if you can't be bothered to fully explain your position
then don't bother trying to explain it at all.
you can't go halfway.
Sometimes I'll be talking to someone over the net
who calls themselves a communist
and will learn, after finally beating through their stupid label
that they agree with half of the things I say
which is weird, because I don't agree with communism at all
so I guess they must not be very good communists
so why the label?
these labels don't help anything
they just impede the actual discussion of issues
and the sharing of ideas
instead they turn people into opposing groups
who can't even talk with each other
because their labels don't allow any space for common ground.
if all these non-conformists
all these free-thinkers
all these open minds
really understood the amount of bullshit they've swallowed down
...
well, they'd be different.
they think that the idea of humankind being doomed
is their own
but it isn't.
I may have learned the things I know from other people
but I learned them
I didn't just accept them
I can explain all of my ideas and why I live by them
I've thought it all through
because no one can fully teach you anything
they can aim you in the right direction
they can point out things you may not have noticed
but it's still up to you to figure it out
nobody learns how to do math out of repetition or monkey-work
they have to understand it
the individual has to take part in the process
no matter what the subject is
otherwise you get stuck with beliefs
and beliefs are just ideas which can't be proven
you might believe that this world could be more than it is
but I can prove it
I can take the things I know about humankind
I can take my knowledge of the physical reality in which we exist
then project them all into the future
and see a world so incredible
that our current level of progress becomes tiny
the bottom of the smallest foothill
in terms of where we could be
if I could help anyone see that world
giving them reason enough
to see the trueness of its possible existence
for even one moment
my job would be done.
I'm trying to create an image of how amazing our lives could be
though by 'our', I mean humankind in general
because we specifically will probably all be dead by then
but that's no reason to stop
change has to begin somewhere
and I think we're still at the starting gates.
we've made some progress, sure,
but nothing like what's still in store.
I don't know how well this tapestry of writing
will convey the message;
it's hard for me to get a view of the whole thing
as I've been inside for too long
picking away at this thing.
it's also important to note
that the building blocks for that future world are already here.
just because our world could be better
doesn't mean that a lot of it isn't already good
already great, in fact
enjoy your existence
because you won't be here long
don't toss it all away with a few dogmatic phrases
just because you never read anything uplifting in High School.
in grade 12 alone, I read a book about a guy
who refused to recognize reality
and died in a car crash
another book about a former convict
who tried to do good
but fell back in with the wrong crowd
and got shot
a story about a lady who escapes her oppressive husband
to pursue the exciting career of cooking and cleaning!
and read at least six-million poems
about the evils of industrialization
which mentioned nothing about the mass production of medicine
the standard of living increases
or our heightened life-spans
only that there aren't as many trees anymore
that the water is being polluted
never mentioning that trees can be replanted
that water can be cleaned
that all of that can be fixed.
it was all negative, and I didn't learn anything from it
except that the school curriculum
is feeding all of these "non-conformists"
giving them something to sink their teeth into
giving them a catalyst to hate the world and everything in it
without ever, ever showing the positive aspect of anything
and it's what they want to do
that's their aim.
your tax dollars pay for it.
don't ever forget.
the positive spin was never shown
because none of the faculty were aware of it
no one was there to teach that our lives could be great
only that a happy life is automatically impossible
and the message gets passed on and on and on...
that's the fundamental idea that's ruining this entire planet
our officials
our police
our teachers
our entertainers
they all carry the half-assed idea that we're not so great
stringing it across years and centuries
without enough influence from the other side
to break the fucking chain
well, say hello to the resistance
because this can't go on forever
either we'll wake up
or we'll take the prophecy to its logical conclusion,
decide that we are unworthy of life,
and destroy ourselves.
we need to grow up one of these days
better sooner than later
and as a final argument to all those rebels out there
all those angry youth who hate and are disgusted by everyone
think about this:
if we're all such a bunch of idiots
if this really is the best we can do
then why does it bother you?
why do you hate these people
when they're only following their nature?
why are you disgusted by them
when they're doing the best they can?
the reason is because they aren't, and you know it.
the reason you hate them is the same reason why I hate them.
it's because they could be doing better
they should be doing better
and there's no excuse for why they aren't.
that's why so many kids aren't happy with this world;
because there's no reason why it can't be fixed.
I took the time to learn this and they never did.
they just accepted.

Sometimes I get lost
I forget that glint in the eye
that spark in the chest
that smile
but I try to write anyway
why shouldn't I?
I'm still me.
but without that mindset, it's not the same
I've had my head above the clouds a lot of times
and taken a good, long look
before coming down
and sometimes it doesn't help much
stuck in the world of the normal and the ordinary
though the memory of it can keep me going
looking for new ways
to get there again
back to that perspective
back to that world
where everything looks different
even though nothing's really changed
but the arrangement of my ideas.

Everyone should have a guitar
or a piano
or a some pots and a spoon
whatever
just something to make sounds with
my music on the guitar always seems to follow
the same descending patterns
and I can really only play one song
which I wrote myself over the course of a couple of days
it's about a minute and a half long, I think
sometimes when I play it
I stumble upon some way to make a new sound
so the song changes a lot
when I have nothing else to do
I just to sit down and play...

One of the weirdest arguments
one of the ones which fascinates me the most
is the idea that we are inferior to the other animals on this planet
I got a really good view of it last night
I was up late, watching tv
when I came upon a nature show
it looked to be set in Africa
I realized that I hadn't watched a nature show in a few years
they interest me
but not enough that I go out of my way to watch them.
I tuned in at a point where a mother lion had left her cub alone
in some tall grass, in the middle of the night
because she had some business to attend to.
a hyena or a jackal, I don't know which
snuck up and killed the cub
but then had to run away
because the mother was returning.
I bit my finger, waiting anxiously to see what the mother would do
I couldn't imagine a more horrifying thing for it to come back to
but I was swiftly reminded that this was an animal, and not a person
by the way that, upon discovering the cub,
the mother stood still for a moment
took note of the situation
and ate her baby
I suppose it was the sensible thing to do
just business, after all.
then I watched some baby warthogs
who accidentally wandered too far from the pack
get caught and eaten
lone animals murdered and torn apart in seconds
with explanations from the commentator
as to how the rest of the pack benefited from these deaths
as it allowed them to escape untouched
I watched this with a sort of detachment
I couldn't bring myself to hope that the herbivores would get away
or that the lion would try eating some leaves
because it would just mess things up
it's like a big machine
all the pieces working more or less together
but working toward what?
to what end does this happen?
it seems so pointless
it's almost predetermined
and it's all so predictable
individual animals do seem to have certain personalities to them
but ultimately each species acts in its own specific, preset way
while humans can act however they want.
later, a bunch of lions killed a bunch of those hyena/jackal things
not because they were hungry
but simply to cut down on competition
they checked over the bodies, to make sure they were dead
then walked away to go do something else
it was like watching some alien world
totally removed from the world I know
and I have to wonder about the people who idolize this
the people who would rather be hunted by a lion
than to create something new in this world
something no animal could make
though "create" isn't quite the right world
we don't create, but re-arrange reality
animals can do it too, to some extent
they can build shelters for themselves, and things like that
but we can build anything
we have an infinite capacity for shaping reality
all you have to do is recognize the basic building blocks
and you can make them into anything you want
it's a responsibility most people don't want to face up to
because for every good thing that can be created
there's a bad thing too
grade-school terminology, but it's true
you just have to decide what you want to build
instead of sitting around wishing that you were a housecat
because not all of nature is as friendly as that
and speaking of house cats
there are a couple of young cats living in my house right now
for the most part they're generally pleasant
but my pet rat also lives in one of the rooms of my house
we put up a screen door to keep the cats out
and they sit in front of that screen for hours
just staring in
watching the rat walk back and forth across the floor
waiting for an opportunity to somehow get in
one of them did slip in, once
though the rat was with me at the time
so I watched the cat for minute
as it stalked around, head low to the ground
eyes carefully darting about.
I don't know how it learned this behavior
it was taken from its mother early on
and has essentially never been outside of our house
a total house cat
but it knows how to hunt
and it knows that it wants to murder rats
it learned it from nowhere
it's a natural born killer
it doesn't need the rat for food
but it's ready to slaughter it in a second
what exactly is so desirable about that?
how can that be anyone's ideal?
that's not even close to a happy existence
because there is no real happiness involved
no real sorrow
animals can murder rats
or find their own babies slaughtered
and it doesn't really matter to them
it doesn't really matter to a lot of people either
we can decide to be that way
we can work toward it, if that's what we want
or we can work toward something else instead
but all the advice I can give
to anyone who holds animals higher than humans
is, as a first step, to try watching some nature shows
and remember that none of the predators really care that they kill
and none of the herbivores really care that they die
they might play with their victim
or they might run for their life
but in the end, they're just programmed that way
they couldn't act any differently if they wanted to
from that perspective, it's not nearly so spectacular.

"I was once told that you have to have the balls to break down /
Now I'm older, I'm not too sure."

I saw a great music video the other day
which I also managed to get on tape
I've been watching it about a dozen times a day
and I love it
every time I get side-tracked and forget what I'm doing
it's the mental sound of this song that draws me back
it's been playing in my head more or less constantly
for about two days
I love finding songs like this
it's so beautiful sounding
and with such a simple message
but so totally true and great
that I wonder why I'm so long-winded
I wonder why I harp on and on and on
about the difference between life and death
when other people have managed to do it in so few words
I think a lot of it has to do with my shell-shock
of realizing so suddenly
how backward things are
how close we are to being able to change things
and how small an effort is being made toward that end
that kind of thing scares me, so I can't just let it go
I have to flesh it out as much as possible
maybe later in life I'll chill out
I'll gain that "wisdom", that sage quality
which will make my words more powerful to some
but will leave others lost
unable to connect the dots of my sparse communications
but I love it when somebody else gives me the dots to connect
I know that they don't see things exactly the way I do
but a lot of my convictions come down to a fairly easy choice
a fairly broad base
life or not-life
and should any information be presented to me
which should alter my view of things
I'll be happy to change
because I could never bring myself
to purposely weaken the side of life
I might accidentally toss a few mistakes in the mix
but they're just mistakes
not my intention or my end goal
and probably small enough so as not to throw anybody off the trail
I write a lot about this hate and disappointment I feel for people
I don't touch upon the love and joy I feel for some of them
but I hope it comes through
because, while it may be a rarer feeling
it's also much stronger
when I can just relax and enjoy it
but then I move up, past my relaxation
and into a state of full readiness
a desire for action welling up inside me
a desire to create
so that I can show it to these certain people
knowing that they may not dig it completely
but there's a strong likelihood that it'll connect with them somehow
not leaders and not followers
but equals
not by all dropping to the lowest common denominator
but by each attempting to reach the highest level we can
then meeting each other at the top
learning a little more
and going a little higher
or a lot higher
I have no idea how high you can go
I don't know how high I can go
which is why I'll never stop going
I don't want to be one of those people who thinks
in the moments before their death
"If I just had a little more time..."
sure, I'll want more time
but I won't have any regrets
don't believe it?
just watch me
I'm an idealist, but I'm not a dreamer
there is nothing unreasonable or unrealistic about what I want
it is not some far off paradise society
we're so close now that some days I can clearly see it
it amazes me, when I stop to think about it
how many people are doing okay
how many people I like
a huge amount of them know what they're doing
they aren't looking for guidance
because their eyes are already open
and they're always in the process of guiding themselves
taking the things they see and the things they know
and using them to fashion a happy existence for themselves
there are enough that I think, with a little bit of rallying,
the whole world could change
I may not be the one to do it
I'm no leader
but if things were to move that way, I know I could take the wheel
and it's a good thing to know
that if it ever really came down to it
truth or falsehood, progress or destruction, life or death
I wouldn't mess up
I'd make the right decision
knowledge like that doesn't keep things from hurting you
but it keeps the wrong things from hurting you
it keeps you from being beaten down
by this planet's haphazard forces of destruction
the loose, rag-tag of people who want to tear in all down
those people can't hurt anyone who sees past them
because they're busy trying to hurt everyone at the same time
their attacks are weak and generalized
and with a little bit of knowledge
you can side-step them altogether
things might get you down every now and again
but it doesn't last
because I always remember
that the people who understand the world
and who just want to break it
don't actually exist
they don't really understand it at all
they're just confused
like little kids in business suits
although they live in all walks of life
the confused
just looking for some clarity
looking for the perfect self-help book
to sort out all of their paradoxes
which none of their teachers, parents or friends
have even tried to touch
that's kinda what I'm doing
the perfect self-help book?
nope
I work to sort out my own confusion
while relaying the things I've figured out
into this computer
onto these pages
into people's hands
and into their minds
I think there's a definite market for that
I'm part of its demographic
and like I said, I know I'm not the only one
there are tons of us out there
just looking for something to reflect our minds back at us
something to help us ignite that spark
something outside of the loop, all by itself
not doused with the tiresome plainness of the mainstream
something that doesn't ask for anybody's help
because it doesn't need anyone else's help
but it'll get help anyway
because it's just the sort of thing
that our certain kind of people
would love to see grow.

There's a thing that bugs me about people
that I find personified in a lot of cats
some cats are always looking for attention
they always want you to pet them or scratch their head
and even though it's a mostly thankless task
I don't mind doing it
but sometimes I'm busy
and I can't devote the time to them right at that second
so I scoot them off the desk
then scoot them off again when they jump back up
then again
and again
and that's when I finally start to get annoyed
because it's obvious that I'm doing something else
it's obvious that I'm not ready to satisfy their want
and regardless of the fact that it's essentially a one-sided bargain
they keep at it
hoping that I'll finally drop whatever I'm doing
so I can run my hand across their back a few times
cats I can excuse
cats are cats
which pretty much justifies any action they might happen to carry out
but people are people
and I can't believe how many of them
would have me drop everything
would have me stop whatever I'm doing
just so I can give them a little attention
which then stretches into a lot of attention
which then stretches into a lifetime of me paying attention to them
even though they have nothing to offer me.
they keep at it
no matter how clear my signals are
never stopping
until I come right out
and tell them to go the hell away
to leave me alone for a while
which, of course, makes me the inconsiderate one
the mean one, the asshole
because I'm not willing to be sucked in
by every vapid black-hole I happen to meet.
these people weren't born black-holes
and they weren't made into black-holes by someone else
not entirely, anyway
it may have been suggested to them
it may have been drilled into them for their whole lives
it may have been recommended to them
as an acceptable way of living
but they're the ones who agreed
they're the ones who accepted
and it's when I remember that
that they become too much for me
that's when I finally lash out
and find all my built up stress
all my frustration
more than adequately represented
in a few harsh words
which get me a few hurt looks
a few baffled glances
and a few hours of quiet
but I don't do it often enough
instead I let myself get mobbed
while the people I would rather be with pass me by
seeing that I'm obviously busy
taking care of these full grown brats.
it's ridiculous.

but sometimes cats go away
sometimes they just lay down on my bookbag
or a sweater I tossed on the floor
and go to sleep
letting me finish whatever I'm doing
waiting until I'm ready and willing to pay some attention to them
knowing that I'm the one with the hand
and that there's no way they can pet themselves
that's when I really like cats
that's when I don't mind giving them some time
but not too much
because I've got things to do
and the scary truth is that they'd have me pet them forever
if they could just figure out some way to get me to do it.