Does capitalism always have to be so... gaudy?     


Welcome to the 25 Jul - 30 Aug archive of Stream - you can click the planet to the left to get back to Jimbo's World if you're lost.

   STREAM OF urine
   This is the part of the site where I don't have to screw about with formatting, or layouts, or anything else.  I just bang on the keyboard like a diseased monkey, and *poof* - instant content!  Guess what part of the site's most likely to get updated on a regular basis?  Right.   
30 Aug 2000


Addressing some questions from the guestbook
entry 601 :  30 August 2000 - 02:40:54
   name:  Tawny  posting from:  Whoresville, USA   
homepage:  Blardeblar  ip:
Jimbo, where are the nudie pics of you? That's the only reason I keep hanging around.

Well, Tawny, I'm gonna have to address this concern in the truest spirit of quid pro quo... mouseover here to see a fake nude Tawny sent me, and mouseover here to see a ridiculously fake nude of me. 

Lighting and coloration issues aside, the "size" issue alone makes it patently obvious that couldn't possibly be me... my arms are much bigger than that.

mouseover here for 100% genuine blank space.

And as far as this one goes:

entry 600 :  29 August 2000 - 23:42:03
   name:  Jimbo 'Chan'  posting from:  Cali   
homepage:    ip:
When I heard there was a site called Jimbosworld. I was like" What the Fuck u talkin about!" then I had to see this for myself I said and thought shy does this fucker usein my family name for his site. I wonder if u could answer my question! huh?

While I have no fucking clue what your question is, the answer is almost certainly "crack kills."


28 Aug 2000


And a big linkbar welcome goes out to...
DNapalm's Dnews, which I just discovered about a half an hour ago (due to the fact that he signed my guestbook).

If the fact that I've been discussing current news lately really pisses you off, and you just wish I'd forget the news and post more skanky pr0n, then there's probably no point in clicking the link... but if you like understated yet biting humor interspersed with plenty of current events and "odd" news, then DNews is the place to go.

Keep the updates coming, DNapalm.



Those wacky Russians are at it again
As if they hadn't already fucked up enough this month, what with an underground passage bombing in their capital city and the sinking of one of their very newest nuclear submarines (with all hands lost), Russia apparently decided it was time to burn down the tallest building in the country this weekend.

To make matters worse - highlighting the issues I discussed on the forum about the lack of training endemic to Russian emergency services - they've been fucking up like a football bat as regards how they've handled the recent emergencies... and this one's no exception.  Three "firefighters" are dead because they tried to use the elevator instead of the stairs to bring supplies from ground level to the area of the blaze.

A Moscow administration spokesman said the fire department might have violated regulations by using the lift rather than the emergency stairs hours after the blaze broke out on Sunday.  "Using the elevators during a fire is not allowed,'' he said. "It's not clear how they ended up in the lift, even though it is a violation of regulations.''

Well, duh?  Color me cynical, but I have a feeling they just decided not to walk - and hadn't been trained well enough to realize what a stupid idea taking the elevator several hundred meters up in a burning building is.  Also of interest is the fact that, even though this was almost certainly an electrical fire, power was still on in some areas more than 300 feet off the ground as of Monday morning.

Soviet pioneer's badge: "Always Ready!"
A Soviet pioneer's badge with slogan: "Always Ready!"

I'm not sure quite what happens when a nation as large as the former Soviet Union makes a technological collapse from modern to pre-Industrial Age levels... but if Russia doesn't get its shit together, and soon, I have a feeling we're all going to find out.  And while that might be wonderfully informative for historians and political scientists... I don't think it's going to be good at all for the rest of the world.  And it certainly won't be good for the average Ivan on the street.


25 Aug 2000


The good, the bad, and the ugly:
Political pundit Michael Moore, (in)famous in some circles for his cable TV show "The Awful Truth", has an awful lot to say about the current two-party political gridlock that keeps the popular vote a mechanism of political action like masturbating is a mechanism of sexual reproduction.  He says a lot of it, and says it really well, in this article right here.   Here's an excerpt:

"You wanna tell me there's a choice here between two guys who both support NAFTA, WTO, the death penalty, the Cuban embargo, increased Pentagon spending, sleazy HMOs, greedy hospital chains, 250 million guns in our homes, more bombing of Iraq, the rich getting richer and the rest of us declaring bankruptcy?"

RIGHT ON!  TELL IT, BROTH - uh... hey, wait up a second.  Let's go over this list again... did he say, "support... 250 million guns in our homes"...?

I can tell you for a fucking fact that anybody that does support any plan to take firearms away from citizens without a felonious and violent criminal record has automatically not only lost my support, but earned my opposition lobbying... no matter how great the rest of his platform is.

I am neither a serf nor a peasant, nor will I be forced into any underprivileged underclass - I AM A FREE CITIZEN.  I will not be forced to work your lands, I will not allow droit de seigneur to be exercised on friends and family, and I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO BE DISARMED.   Even though I do not often choose to exercise my right to bear arms, I WILL DEFEND THAT RIGHT IF IT IS CHALLENGED.

Anyone who believes that firearms magically cause homicide would be well advised to study history - both peacetime murder rates and wartime casualty rates were DRASTICALLY higher in times before firearms became readily available to the common citizen.


20 Aug 2000


If I were to write a personal ad, it would read...
Knight In Shining Armor Heartily Sick Of Damsels In Distress
... seeks Xena, Warrior Princess for that mythical relationship based on trust, respect, and both parties standing on equal footing.  Neurotic femmes expecting instant rescue from bad relationship habits, bad financial habits, bad career habits, or anything other than simple lonelieness need not apply.  (Fighting back-to-back against multiple ogres and/or dragons okay, but must pull own weight.)   Interested applicants please be prepared to demonstrate swordsmanship, gunsmanship, or at the very least good penmanship and a healthy dose of kung-fu.


17 Aug 2000


Who let them dogs out?
Sometimes, all you need to get you in a temporarily better mood is a rousing, cheerful, utterly mindless party bass song. (mp3, 4.7MB)

Unfortunately, all too often that's exactly what your office co-workers don't need to improve their mood.  I don't think I'm too popular right now.


15 Aug 2000


Damn, I'm tired
... but I'm updating anyway, at least sorta.   I added an "About / Bio / FAQ" page... mostly because more and more people are asking me what I look like.  Yes, one of these days I'll put up a picture BESIDES the by-now-played-out Jedi pic... but for right now, it'll have to do.

And now, it's time to play clean-all-the-links-out-of-the-mailbox:

11 Aug 2000


Java: bad for applications, good for stoners
Idly surfing through the web, I encountered an incredibly low-rent banner for an incredibly NOT-originally-English-language site with translations into, I shit you not, about twenty different languages.  It was all java-tastic and looked like entertainment for an impaired mind, so I went and downloaded all sorts of java classes and applets and what-not... turns out that it's the work of an Italian guy by the name of Fabio Ciucci.

Like the title says... unfortunately for Sun Microsystems, Java sucks ass for applications.   But fortunately for us, you can make some pretty diverting animations with it...   I've laid out some of the most entertaining of the applets for you bake-a-zoids and work-avoiders to play with, in two formats:


mainline, baby

I'm on a dial-up, and my computer
isn't exactly a Cray, you know?

My pipe is fat, my CPU is a brute, and I just did
your mom and slapped your dad - BRING IT ON!

Incidentally, if my ad banners seem to be stuck on heavy Flash and Java media stuff, that high-bandwidth area is probably going to be painful no matter what kind of box you're pushing... so if everything runs slow, just switch back to the low-bandwidth side.  And if you want to see the rest of Fabio's applets, or use some on your own site (yes, they're free - but please, use a little restraint, okay? ), you can find them at


10 Aug 2000


Nothing brightens your day quite like...
adoring.gif (10317 bytes) ... tribute from an adoring harem.


And I gotta tell ya, the bit with the vibrator really, really impressed me.

Of course, Keith has an opinion of his own, but fuck that cracker!

(on an unrelated note: the servers at bla-bla are mad fucked up right now - they're working on it, but in the meantime please be patient if both the page itself and my updating of it is slow...  you wouldn't believe how long it took me to upload this.)


09 Aug 2000


You know, any society as big as ours needs police.  But too much of a good thing is a fucking plague.   That's right, I'm talking about traffic cops.  Almost every big city in the South I've been in has had way too many of them - and there's only so much crime to go around.  Problem is, once you've got a cop, you've got a guy who depends on driving a brightly-painted car around and intimidating people for a living.   Take away his car and his license to fuck with people, and you take away his paycheck - and do you think he's going to be down with that?  Fuck no!  As a matter of fact, human nature being what it is - to expand, that is - he's going to do his damndest to make his department bigger and shinier and recruit more undereducated and unskilled laborers, to "secure his position."   Really, you can't blame him for this - he's human, and it's in our very nature to expand and solidify whatever we happen to do to put a steaming dead animal and some nice fresh roots on the table for ourselves, our mate, and our dirty, squalling cubs.  Mmm hm.  Nature at its best.

So why am I bitching about traffic cops, then?  Well, I just don't like getting fucked with, basically. You know the routine - you pull away from a light with authority - no squealing tires or anything, nothing illegal, nothing unsafe, but in one way or another you attract the attention of anything watching the herd - and the next thing you know, Chief Wiggins pulls the cruiser out from its comfortable little spot in the convenience station parking lot and oh-so-cleverly glues himself to your ass.   Veteran of the mean streets that he is, he has all of two possible tactics, either of which he will apply with the native cunning only found in a man given a car, a gun, and a mission to extract money from people:

1. Get directly behind target.  Rapidly close cruiser's front bumper to approximately the width of one red cunt hair away from target's rear bumper.  Pilot cruiser as though it is welded to target by a six-inch steel rod.   If the target is not wily enough, the discomfort of having a vehicle so unsafely close will cause target to attempt to accelerate away, thus violating speed limit.   Pull target over.  Administer ticket and lecture to target.  Lecture may be angry, apathetic, or garbled, depending entirely on temperament and current mood of individual officer.

2. Get directly behind target.  Rapidly decelerate cruiser until target is the better part of a football field ahead.  Cease deceleration, begin piloting cruiser as though it is welded to target by a sixty-yard steel rod.  If the target is not wily enough, he or she will break a law of some sort, having forgotten that a cruiser is welded to it in the same lane sixty yards back.   Pull target over.  Administer ticket and lecture to target.  Lecture may be angry, apathetic, or garbled, depending entirely on temperament and current mood of individual officer.

Well, Our Story today opens with me making a left-hand turn in a busy intersection with no traffic light.  There happens to be a convenience store right there at the intersection, and, of course, Chief Wiggins and his deputy are comfortably ensconced in the parking lot, parked driver's-window-to-driver's-window, sharing tales of True Crime, those cheap little powdered donuts that come in the bag, and juicy wet cop kisses.  When I pull out into traffic, I notice Your Friend And Mine The Traffic Cop pulling "nonchalantly" out of the convenience store with a great growling of motor and falling in a few cars behind me.


Three turns later, Deputy Dawg is still determinedly pursuing me, regulation Approach Two distance of sixty yards behind me and not budging.   I'd had a bad day at work and was in no mood to have the spider-sense tingling the whole way home, so I decided to scrape him off in the time-honored manner: by slowing to five miles per hour below the speed limit, and maintaining that as precisely as he was maintaining his regulation sixty yards' distance from my bumper.  Typically, this works out great: the cop realizes very quickly he's been spotted, he immediately accelerates to fifteen miles per hour over the limit, and shoots a nasty look in your direction as he blows by you in search of drivers less aware of their surroundings.

Unfortunately, this guy wasn't that bright.  So here I am, driving down a major highway slow as dirt, with a cop glued in place sixty yards behind me, no traffic in between us, and an enormous fucking pack of cars behind him, clogged up like Louie Anderson's arteries because they want to drive faster but they aren't willing to (gasp) pass a cop.  Jesus, it's not just that he was busted, I could actually see him behind the windshield driving with his hands in a ten-and-two position, eagerly bent forward over the wheel, just waiting for me to absentmindedly forget he was there and begin speeding.  The asshole kept this up for fifteen miles on the way home, through one turn after another, without a single car in between us to give him cover.

romulan.jpg (14016 bytes)

I'd like to tell you that I finally pulled over to the right, waited for him to stop, and asked him if he was retarded, or just thought that I was.  I really would.  But I have to live in this town, dammit, and traffic cops tend to be vindictive and have long memories for people that pissed them off.  So there's no snappy ending to the story, no come-uppance to the villain, and no triumphant parade for the hero.

Life's like that sometimes.


02 Aug 2000


Free publicity for me and thee
Editor Dink of The School Of Ass has done another 25-question webmaster interview series this month, much like the one he did last month.  The difference?  I'm featured this time, baby!  Also featured this month are interviews with the webmasters of such fine sites as IAmHappyBlue, Newgrounds, Chickenhead, and even The Onion - but don't get too excited; the return from The Onion's webmaster is pretty clearly an idle dismissal.  I'm frankly kinda surprised Dink posted it at all.

Go read. wink.gif (135 bytes)


30 Jul 2000


NeighborSpeak™: A Translation Guide
What a way to start your fucking day... at 9:00 this morning, I get roused from a sound sleep by my doorbell.  "Hang on," I bellow, as I throw on a pair of shorts and stumble down the hall... while my doorbell continues ringing, not quite frantically enough for it to be PeeT trying to piss me off (not to mention how early it is!), but frantically enough that I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to open the door to a little crippled ADD kid yelling "Timmy!"

No such luck - it's a pinched-face old harridan.  Namely, the one that lives next door.


English Translation:

"I live next door, and I want to know when you're going to mow your backyard!"  I'm an angry old crone!
"I'm going to cut the grass today." Just like I always cut it on alternating Sundays, and have ever since I moved in, you old crone. 
"Well neighbors shouldn't have to tell neighbors to cut their grass!" I'm an angry old crone! 
"Neighbors don't have to tell neighbors to cut their grass." It's not my problem that you're an angry old crone.
"Well look here, we've got a rat problem and if you don't keep your backyard mowed-" I keep a small army of yapping poodles, terriers, chihuahuas, and other worthless little quasi-dogs - and I keep a 2-gallon bowl full of kibble for the little darlings under my house in the crawlspace at all times.
"I already told you - I'm cutting it today.  I cut it every other Sunday.  I didn't cut it last Sunday.  That makes today yard day." Every time I set foot in my own goddamn back yard, a small army of your yappy little fucking dogs barks, growls, and threatens miniature canine murder at me until I go inside.  I hate those little bastards.  You know, if you'd quit feeding the fuckers, maybe they'd eat the rats you've gotten yourself infested with by leaving several pounds of kibble in an open bowl under your house 24 hours a day.
"Well if you're not going to mow your yard unless I come over here and tell you to do it, why don't you pay someone to-" I'm an angry old crone, and I'm not done snapping at you!  Besides, you're young and wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts.  I can keep this up all day!
"I've got nothing more to say to you, lady."  ::closes front door:: You suck more ass than the Jehovah's Witless that woke me up yesterday morning.  Congratulations.  What next, are you going to try to sell me a vacuum cleaner?  
:: slams storm door as hard as possible :: I'm an angry old crone, and inside an hour I'll have harangued my husband enough to get him to come over here!

(About an hour later, I get a polite knock on the door from her husband - with whom I usually get along pretty well.)


English Translation:

"I'm sorry to bother you, but, ah, did you speak rudely to my wife earlier?" Jesus lord, I don't want to be here, but she's looking through the blinds at me right now.
"No I didn't.  But I did shut the door in her face." Your wife is a fucking harpy.  You may have to put up with her, but I don't.
"Yes, well, um, she was very offended and asked me to come talk to you about it..." Jesus lord, I don't want to be here, but she's looking through the blinds at me right now.
"Look - the last thing I needed this morning was to get woken up by some woman screeching at me.  In the future, if you folks need something, would you mind coming over here instead of her?  Men just understand each other better.   You know how it is." If your snapping turtle of a wife ever sets foot on my property again, I'll set the dog on her.  Yes, I'm aware I don't have a dog... but I can fucking well get one.
"Heh heh heh... yeah, I know exactly what you mean.   I'll try, but you know how it is." Boy, do I ever know what he means.  Jesus lord, I don't want to be here, but she's looking through the blinds at me right now.  I hope I look stern enough that she'll think I'm really giving this young fellow a hard time.
"OK, thanks - I appreciate it.  Have a good one!" Hope you don't catch the bubonic plague your dessicated hag of a wife and her hairy little darlings are gonna get from all those fucking rats!


25 Jul 2000


Clinical depression
Have you ever felt like there's just no fucking point anymore? Not so much that you're "sad", or "moping around", or "miserable"... but just that, well, it doesn't seem like there's a whole hell of a lot left worth doing, seeing, or feeling in life anymore. That same sort of "why bother" feeling you get with a computer game you used to really love, but that's just... played out. You usually get that feeling before you've quite done everything in the game, but after you've accomplished more goals than are really strictly necessary just to "finish" it.

Am I the only fucking one that gets that feeling about real life?


Using music to cope
Turn the lights off, set Geiss running in Winamp, sit way the fuck back deep in a comfortable chair, and listen to Chicane - Lost You Somewhere... it'll make you feel better.

Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary.


In completely unrelated news
Steve Jobs is an egomaniacal, whiny, ill-adjusted bitch. Seriously.

That worthless sonofabitch drove the Apple ][ line of computers into the ground - deliberately - while it supported his pansy-ass underseller of a Macintosh, back in the 80's. (It's worth noting that the Apple ][ series marked the first and last time that Apple held a dominant share in the business or home PC market.) Why? Because, even though he didn't actually build it, he considered the Macintosh his personal brainchild.

He then damn near killed Apple Computer entirely in the early 90's, by running the company as though it presented the only viable choice for business or home computing - in the face of the fact that Apple already held a very small and still diminishing share of the actual market. His successor wisely began marketing the Mac as a niche product, and brought the company back into the hallowed grounds of profitability and relatively stable market share.

But now, Jobs is back in the saddle - and he's up to his old tricks. That's right; just because he's "upset", he is refusing to so much as speak directly to the provider of the video cards for all new Macintosh PCs, longtime Apple business partner ATI.

The funny thing is - bullshit though it may be - most Mac advocates will tell you that the Mac is a superior platform because it's "purpose-built" - instead of being put together from a hodgepodge of interchangeable parts, the Great God Apple has done all the work of picking pieces for you, and this is supposed to produce all sorts of intangible superiorities to the much more fluid PC-compatible platform. But if this is true, then why is the CEO ditching the video card on a moment's whim?

1. Because he doesn't really give a shit about you, the customer.
2. Because all that "purpose-built" crap is a load of malarkey anyway.

Ironically enough, this may actually be good news for you Macophiles out there - the ATI Rage series of video cards has long been known for being just competent enough to get reviewed with the "serious" contenders, and just crappy enough to inevitably be the whippingboy at the bottom of the heap. According to the article, however, you may wind up with Nvidia or 3dfx cards coming standard in the next generation of Macs - and while 3dfx has really lost the king-of-the-hill title to Nvidia, even 3dfx is a tremendous leap over ATI.

The real question is, why didn't Jobs make the switch a long time ago - for the reason that Nvidia and 3dfx both make superior products, which would considerably enhance the prowess of his "purpose-built supercomputers"...?

Because his fucking ego is more important than your equipment. Bah.


Click here for 16 Jul 2000 Stream



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